A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a state of confusion, the story is long and very complex but for this purpose I will try to keep it short. Last November my boyfriend and I had been together 5 years when I discovered he had had a one night stand, I was alerted to it and asked him over and over until he finally admitted it. We were living and working together in a very intense situation, we weren't getting on at the time, the arguments were a vicious cycle of me disapproving of his behaviour when out socially (he can't handle his alcohol, and various other issues, for him it was my inability to commit, which for me was due to his behaviour, though I loved him dearly, like I say vicious cycle) However, when I found out I was absolutely distraught, so was he, I flew home the next day on a long flight and spent the next months in a daze of betrayal and hurt. I gradually agreed to see him again, to talk, for the first time in February this year. After an hour or two he got on his knee and proposed, I cried and tried to explain the timing was terrible, I was still hurting over his betrayal. Gradually we got back together on the understanding we would see how it went with him working on his behaviour issues (that he agreed were a problem both to himself and in the relationship) and my part of deal was to be more committed, which I did by agreeing to work together again (oh how my friends and family warned me against that, in any relationship that is a non-starter) anyway, we took on a new job together that turned out to be so much more intense than the last, our time off was scarce, mostly a couple of hours at the end of a 16 hour work day, when he would drink more than he could handle and the result was arguments, I felt I had been tricked into the situation again having been adamant it was the worst thing we could do (as a team he stood a chance of a better job with than without me). We were so busy we had to hire another girl to help, the rest is a painful blur. I know now, that he slept with her 10 days after she joined us - though she is not entirely to blame her behaviour turned out to be that of the most poisonous and selfish person I or any of my colleagues have known - we were so busy working I buried myself in it, every time I tentatively asked if there was something I should know about she and he made me feel I was going mad but denying it, to know this after destroyed me. She even befriended me and encouraged me to leave him, they had sex a handful of times during the summer, all the time I thought there wasn't time to repair our already under stress relationship with a rare night away, or a night of passion to remind each other we were a couple as well as a professional team, it turned out he was doing it with her. I discovered the affair on the last day of the season, through being a shadow of my former self, 14bls less in weight and what felt like mentally tortured, I found a hotel booking she had made for the two of them, I called the hotel dreading the worst and when I heard his voice in the hotel room my whole world fell apart. He says he had a breakdown, he has been seeing a counsellor to try to understand how he could have done what he did (This is true) and he is truly remorseful (I believe that much) but I am torn between wanting to delete the pain of the last year and start over in new, healthier circumstances, and not allowing myself to enter into his world again. Please help me, I never imagined I could be in such a state of confusion.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 January 2009):
 I would have to agree with rhythmandblues on this one. There are several issues that need to be teased out and examined and as she said, you are too close to it to be able to do this without some help.
The alcohol use (abuse) is a red flag. The cheating is a red flag. Under stress, we revert to behaviors that are intended to alleviate the anxiety and tension we are feeling. Some of these behaviors are very damaging, like drinking to get drunk and essentially medicate oneself into a state where one doesn't care. The problem with that is you can't go through life drunk all the time. There is a need for your body to be sober for a while.
I don't know this for certain, but cheating can also be one of these behaviors, I think.
I'm not trying to excuse his actions, but I think that the situation is so stressful that you both need to be out of it in order to make any rational decisions, or for treatment through counseling to be of any effect. You said you didn't want to commit to him because of his behavior, and he ran off and continued doing exactly what it was that gave you concerns in the first place. I'm sure he doesn't want his life controlled by someone else, but he does have to take responsibility for his own actions and not blame them on anyone else. If he's an alcoholic, he needs to get help, no matter what happens in your relationship. Go to the al-anon website to see if he qualifies; it might have some information that will help you.
So as I think about this question, it seems to me to be obvious that you have to relieve the stress on both of you and on the relationship in order to make sense of things. The whole tone of your post is one of desperation and busy, fast, work, toil, worry, no time, must go, can't stop and think let alone sleep. I'm exhausted just reading it.
What would I do if I were in your situation? I think I would immediately start looking for other work. If you two are partners in a business, then you might need to consult someone to amicably split it up or one buys the other out. If the job is over and you two aren't working together, that would be for the best, I think.
I think I would want both of us to examine the actions we took, with special emphasis on the alcohol. The drinking would have to stop before I would even contemplate working on the relationship. The counselor is all well and good but until he learns some new coping skills that actually are healthy, that wouldn't be enough for me to come back and work on it.
If he does dry himself out, then you can start to deal with the damage the arguements, the cheating and lack of commitment has done to the both of you, and with a counselor. His betrayal of you, and his denials about it would make me angry at HIM, not her. She may well be a snake, but he chose to get into bed with her, and then try to brazen it out with you. What would he have done if he hadn't got caught? Carried on? So shift your focus from her to HIM. He's the one you're contemplating the future with, she's just a symptom of the dysfunction.
I don't see any reason to rush this; I would get on with my life and see lots of friends and stay busy and see how he gets on with the alcohol dependency. Then after that, you can deal with the trust issues you have as a result of his cheating, as well as understanding why you couldn't commit to him. (Perhaps your subconsious was doing you a favor?) Sorry to be so bluntly matter-of-fact about it, but all I see in your future if you two do get back together without working on this is a cycle of bad behavior while drunk.
Take care, and I hope things work out for the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): You are asking some tough questions, but there seems to be a couple of constants here that I think you would benefit from paying attention too. Sometimes things seem complicated because we are too close to the situation and we have strong ambivalent feelings about it.
For starters you admit to having intimacy and commitment issues. I think you do too because you are choosing men who can't really commit and aren't faithful and are cheating with other women right in front of your face (the hired girl) which is not only disrespectful but also is cruel and shows a deep lack of character.
The other constant in this is your boyfriend's bad behavior due to drink. It isn't going to change, he has a dependency on alchohol and those things are progressive, meaning they worsen over time....he is in an addictive cycle and you also seem to be addicted to this pain that this man causes you.....Clearly you don't trust him with your heart and for good reason, he is a cheater. He can make this about you and your refusal of his proposal, but he is taking himself off the hook once again for his behavior and putting the blame where it does not belong....on you. This man does not take responsibility for himself and why should he, he has your permission because you keep hanging on to this dysfunctional relationship.
I don't know what kind of professional team you are, but would it be possible to break up with him and break off contact until you can get over the break up? Can you find another partner to work with?
I think you would benefit from individual counseling without him. You have a decision to make and you may discover that you have some issues that you need to work on to be a healthier person in your own right and find out why you pick a man who is inappropriate....you have some fears, find out how to banish them and to make better choices. That is really what it comes to, choice. You can choose to change your mind and leave a painful relationship. What would be worse is to spend one more day suffering in something you can't control then it would be to agonize over the 5 years that you have invested and now seem lost or wasted.
What you are losing is yourself and the price is too high if a relationship causes you to lose yourself in the process. Take care of yourself first and things will look up for you sooner than later.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo add to my initial post, he is pleading with me to work through what he did to us together, counselling together to help us with our cycle of arguing, he wants what he says he's always wanted, he just never felt I was committed to us enough - I admit I was always one foot out the door because of his behaviour, but he says now more than ever before he wants our future to be together, he says it killed him to have his proposal turned down, and now he sees the timing was all wrong, is this really all a question of bad timing? Or am I holding onto something that isn't real?
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