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male
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*ase
writes: Hi all!. I have a huge problem. I am 21 years old and i am a virgin ("kinda"i will explain). I had 2 sexual experiences in my life. One was when I was 14-15 with a prostitute and could not cum! And the other was when I was 18 with my gf (we had a 2 month relationship) which I had a premature ejaculation although it seemed normal since I didn't use a condom. Where's the problem now?I have a relationship now for 2.5 months. I thought it was time to actually have sex etc. But I couldn't get hard. We tried 4 more times same results ( I even used viagra). The thing is I get a bit hard when I kiss her especially when I was on viagra I had a huge erection, but by the time I removed my pants and proceed to intercourse I lost it. I thought I had an ED but it's highly unlikely since I wake up with strong erections every morning and it's hard for me even to piss. Although I still think about ED sometimes.The problem must be psychological. I used to masturbate too much (like 5-6 a day) and I think I have lost a bit interest in sex and women too. My friends start calling me gay because I reject way too many girls and makes me feel bad. I think of sex a bit too personal as well and makes me a bit uncomfortable. The main thing is I don't know what the problem is. Is it because i could be depressed? Is it because I have an ED problem? Why I dont have the same sexual apetite as my friends? Or is it because I am actually still a "first timer"?I went to a urinologist and made some lab tests. Although I got the tests back I didn't have time to go back to my doctor. The tests were blood-tests and ultra sound tests. I have a cyst in my kidney but I don't know if that is the problem? I am very stressed about this is since I will see my gf in 1 week and I can't stand the idea of not getting hard again. Can someone pls tell me what is the problem? I am willing to go to doctors if it persists because I dont feel very normal! But it bothers me if I have to see a psychologist. Has any other experienced this? There are actually numerous thoughts that passing through my head at the moment and I can't concetrate to identify the problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): It sounds to me like you are both nervous (answer below has same problem). If you have tried the whole foreplay thing and still nothing then you will need to see a doctor.
Maybe if you speak to your girlfriend and have a nice romantic meal in doors, a few drinks, and let your girlfriend blindfold you or something this might make you less nervous, ask her to talk to you and tell you what she wants to do but to be gentle.
Just keep trying and go see a doctor!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): I have read the question and answer.. i have the exact problem tho i am 18. I have confessed to my girlfreind and have even done the whole 4play thing. Hard for so long then nup as soon as i go for penitrive sex i go floppy. I have told her all and she truthfully doesnt mind at all but i still feel i need to have sex with her. I no longer look at porn all the rest (i used to masterbate a lot) and dont feel the need to cum or "ejaculate" never mind keep it hard. I am not gay etc i even tryed to think i was but i am def not. I need help and it is driving me crazy.. can more people reply as much as possible, this isnt very pleasent experience.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 October 2005):
 I don't have a medical background and I'm not a man, but I wanted to make one or two observations anyway.
You seem to have been doing all the right things: you're looking at your whole-health picture, you're trying alternatives and you're seeking the help of a urologist, all of which I would have suggested to you. What's left (besides - yes - going back to the urologist to discuss the results of your tests) is to relax and not concentrate on your problem so much.
You're putting an enormous amount of pressure on yourself to perform on command, and given your sexual history, I think it's self-defeating. You worry that you won't be able to get hard when you want to and you get so obsessed with the worry, that it manifests itself in the very thing that concerns you. Like worrying so much that you'll do terrible at a job interview that you, inevitably, do. Relaaaax.
Trust me on this. I can tell you with confidence that your girlfriend won't be anywhere near as bothered by your problem as you are. Most women would prefer a long, slow build-up to sex anyway, and that's precisely the position that you're in. Think of how much pleasure you can give to her in the meantime, using the rest of your body! Wow! She's going to impressed.
Because you say you wake up hard, you're unlikely to have an organic problem, suggesting to me that what you have is "performance anxiety" (I hope men will wade in and confirm my suspicion that this is very common. I think it is).
My suggestion is that you get creative in giving pleasure to your girlfriend. Obviously, you can use your mouth and hands, but you can also think outside the square! Take a long time kissing and caressing her. Explore. I promise, she won't complain.
The longer you take to warm her up and the more aroused she is by your attentions, the more likely you'll be distracted from your problem and that it will resolve itself. When you find that you are hard again, don't feel like you have to go immediately for full-on sex. Try oral sex for a while, let yourself have an orgasm if you like, then start all over again. You shouldn't feel like you're rushed.
In other words, take the focus off the usual penetrative sex for a while. Do other things that are equally pleasurable, but above all, DON'T WORRY. If you feel close enough to your girlfriend to have a sexual relationship, then you should also be intimate enough to explain that you're anxious because of your history. She WILL understand. Genital sex is not the be-all and end-all for most women, and if you're prepared to be creative for a while, she'll likely as not be just as satisfied. If not moreso.
Give yourself a break, and if necessary, explain what's going on to your girlfriend. Maybe she'll see that as a challenge! ;)
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