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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm with a partner and I was always happy to stay at home and be housewife and mother. Then my life changed. I had a affair which only lasted a while until I finished it all. He was married.Now I don't feel the same anymore, as if i'm a different person. I've been on the net and joined this web site for married people and met a guy on there who is single. There's no love between us and I just meet up with him for sex, god knows why.Well, he has asked me to go out with him at the weekend and stay at a hotel for the evening. I'm worried of getting hurt, as I did with the affair, badly. But I like this guy and don't know what to do.I've just turned 40 and I don't know why I am doing all of this.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 October 2005):
 Don't you have any sense of responsibility? Do you realize what your wanton behavior could be doing to your husband and children? Sneaking around and having sex with married men and guys you pick up on the internet is inexcusable. It's not "all about you". Think about the hurt you may be causing your husband and children before you worry about your getting hurt! Get a divorce if you need to but stop setting such a slutty example for your cheldren.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 October 2005):
 You're bored, you miss the thrills of a new sexual partner, and - at age 40 - you need reassurance that you're still attractive.
Those are the usual reasons why women of our age go out and have affairs... but that doesn't excuse it! And that doesn't make it a good idea.
You say that you don't even know why you're doing it, and you don't give any indication that you have any feelings of affection for this guy that you're meeting, so I'd suggest you Just Say No. Tell him you've changed your mind and get rid of your listing on the website.
Not only is there the concern about STDs, (which is distinctly a valid point), but there is also an inherant danger in meeting someone you barely know for something as intimate as sex. And what about your self-esteem? Having meaningless sex with someone you don't care about is so seamy... so grotty... You should only be doing this kind of thing with someone you care for, someone you trust and who's been screened for blood-borne diseases! Yeesh. It scares me to think of the potential for harm.
Please give some thought to re-devoting your time and energy to your relationship. Try to get into marital/couples' counselling and at least give things another try with your partner. You owe yourself that much. If you really try to fix things, and if it still doesn't work out, then you can consider ending your relationship, so that you're free to have one with someone else and to give him all of yourself, all your love and all your time.
But sneaking around with someone for no-strings sex is just a sap on your self-esteem; it just makes you hate yourself.
Be strong and make a good choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2005): I replied to another letter very similar to yours, awhile back and I am going to tell you the same thing. How can you degrade yourself so much? Perhaps this "different feeling" you feel for yourself is a deep lack of self respect and self-degradation. Going on the net to find men tells me, you don't uphold much value for yourself. Having sexual relationships with this man, will eventually take it's toll on you, emotionally. Why are you doing this. Because it's easier than really admitting your marriage needs work and because you have a desire for closeness and intimacy, a desire for attention, to reaffirm your desirability, to re-experience feelings of romance. Boredom, loneliness, and the need for sexual excitement are likely the reasons you are doing this. If you are craving the "romance/ emotional bond", I'm not sure if your going to find that emotional aspect with this man. Hun, he's likely 'using' you for sex and why are you allowing this? This man will never set a higher value on you than what self-value you place on yourself. He might have sex with you because you tumble so easily into bed with him, but he’s not likely to take this relationship any further. Why should he? He’ll always be wondering whom you might tumble into bed with next. He will tire of you soon. Sexual relationships do run their course and tend to fade quickly, because their is NO intimacy and bond. So I have to wonder WHY you are doing this to yourself and not merely telling your husband you want a divorce and begin life anew for yourself, where you could find someone who will give you love, committment and respect.
Honestly, you really have to wonder..how wonderfully romantic is it to stand buck-naked in front of a man who doesn't love you & doesn't really give a damn about you?? And how romantic is it, knowing this man just wants nothing else from you...just a good roll in the sack?? The only time sex is romantic & intimate is when you can be completely vulnerable to a man with whom you can feel safe, secure and loved by. This man off the net could give you a disease (STD's) which in turn you could pass off to your husband. Because if this guy is doing you, you can bet, he doing a lot other married woman. He will eventually leave you because he doesn't actually care about what’s truly good for you; he cares about himself. Being vulnerable to a man like this, really is not romantic and fullfilling. Only a true loving, committed relationship can offer that kind of close emotional bond and intimacy.
My suggestion-stop degrading yourself further by having menaingless sex with this man from website and get you and your husband into marriage counseling and see if you can rebuild what you once had. If that's not possible, get a divorce and start working on yourself. Strive to regain a healthy balance of self-respect in yourself, by truely achieving some personal values & some self-love.
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A
reader, pops +, writes (5 October 2005):
Obviously your partner at home is not giving you the attention and love you crave. Is there some reason you just don't end that relationship? Affairs are always tawdry, even today when most people don't care. You just are not going to feel good about yourself if you have to sneak around to have sex. Talk to your partner( spouse?) and see if he/she will go to marriage counseling with you. If you cannot find a way to resurrect that relationship, then end it for your own sanity. You will feel better about yourself if you aren't dragging a dead relationship along with you to the hotel. Have fun.
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