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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend seems to be the best thing around,there really don't seem to be any decenguys around and I don't want to break his heart by staying with until I find someone new, that would be wrong. I love him, but there I times I really feel we are not right for each other, but am I jumping out of the frying pan into the fire if I break up? Tomorrow Is our 1yr. anniversary, and it seems our feelings are constantly teetter-tottering. It started when I first fell hard for him, he acted like he was totally love struck and would do anything for me before, then when I said I love you back he walked all over me. And since then I have broken Up because of such, and we've gotten back together, but when I start feeling stronger for him, he gets this way again and acts inconsiderate. He says he doesn't realize it. Then when I get tired of it and act like I don't care IF HE"D DIE AND GO TO HELL!, he's suddenly in love again and sweet as can be. But all the time he swears he loves me and wants to get married, but then again he's never dumped a girl, and I'm afraid he would stick with anyone and marry them, because he says he doesn't break up. He even still admits that if his other girls hadn't left he'd still be trailing behind them like a beaten puppy. What do I do? It hurts to break up, but it will hurt us BOTH even more to spend our lives with a person who wasn't really right for us when we both could have had someone who really loved us. What do I do? Help, please, it hurts so bad to feel like this.
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (17 January 2006):
 I am sorry for your pain. I think there are solutions short of a break-up if you want them. Would I be right in assuming that you do not really assert yourself in this relationship either? When he starts treating you badly do you say anything before the 'go to hell' stage? One way to help this situation might be to assert yourself before this stage. If that changes his behaviour then all to the good, if it doesn't then you will reach the go to hell stage again but this time with a sense of finality.
The problem with torturing people is not just the immediate pain it causes but the legacy it leaves is habit forming and that seems to be what has happened with your partner. Oppressed and badly treated people in power and a postion they feel is secure often flip over to their opposites. When you say you love him it reassures him and he flips his mode of behaviour because he feels he can. Its entirely possible he is not conscious of it. If you assert yourself then that will make him aware and if he is sincere he should modify his behaviour.
Having said all that you do have to be prepared to make the break if all else fails. You should not allow yourself to suffer and you will find somebody who will treat you well consistently. I wish you well with this. Take care :)
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