A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I would realy appreciate your thoughts on my situation as I am very confused. I have been with my boyfreind for seven years, I have two children and he has two grown up and a seven yr old. He proposed to me early on giving me a gorgeous ring but although has talked on and off over the years of marriage it never materializes.I have often asked him if he wants the same things as me i.e I'd like to have a child together and he says "I'm not saying no, who knows what the future will bring" but I am not getting any younger (he is older than me).He now wants to possibly rent a property somewhere (I have my own house) but I cant help thinking "why does he get to make all the decisions" everything is down to what he wants and he is always changing " what he wants". Also I cant help feeling " why should I move from my home (yet again as did this before) into a home with him when he has never tried to fulfill any of the things that I want from the relationship?I hope this doesnt sound selfish, its just that I have always tried to make him happy but something tells me he has no intention of ever committing properly, although he swears this isnt true. he made me have a termination about three years ago and he takes this so lightly. He is never wrong and if I try to talk to him he gets angry, twists my words and turns it into a row which ofcourse he says "I started"... Is this a waste of my time? I dont want to waste my life .Thank you for listening Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (17 March 2012):
 "maybe im destined to be just a girlfreind forever"
No, you're not destined for anything. If you end up being his girlfriend until the day you die, it's going to be because you CHOSE that route. You can't play the victim card forever OP. He cannot force you to do anything. You're allowing him to have control over your life and that's on you. It's not his fault, but yours and yours alone.
He has no power to make you sell your house; he has no power to make you have an abortion; he has no power to make you stay wit him. YOU are letting this man run your life. Why? Are you that weak to rid yourself from a man, who always has to be right and in charge?
You claim h is loving, but how is he loving? How can this man be loving if he demanded an abortion? How can he be loving if he manipulates and puts all the blame on you when things fall through? If you stay with him, you will be that weak, pathetic doormat cliche. You will let him walk all over you and will loose all self-respect and dignity by the time you're done. Don't be his girlfriend for life. Choose a better life for yourself. Choose a life where you get what you want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): thank you for all of your answers I really appreciate them. He is pushing me to live with him and his child now but I am scared. He moved in with me 3 years ago but left aftr being down (ofcourse blamed on me at the time) and I feel that he shouldnt be able to just leave /come back when he wants so I said no, especially as I dont want my kids mixed up. I told him not discussing house till I get what I want and he said when do u wanna get wed then? but I know nothing will be arranged. its hard when you know really that its not going to happen but at the same time he is loving and says is working hard for our future? well when will that be? he is in mid fourties already and I dont wanna have kids too late? the longer we dont live together the more i dont think we will, also its got to be the kids treated all the same and i am not sure he can do that although he is fab with mine ..... maybe im destined to be just a girlfreind forever
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): please dont waste anymore time on this man after 7 years the answer is no he is never going to commit
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 March 2012):
 He made you have an abortion??
Short of a 100 piece choir and neon lights, that is a massive statement of non-commitment. He has children. You have children, yet he didn't want a child with you together.
Seven years is more than long enough to decide. I would have ended it three years ago (not a statement on abortion, but an ironclad answer of his intentions).
This guy will string you along until the end. Of course it's on his terms! There's a saying that the partner who is the most unattached is the one with the most "power". Given that it's you feeling the most off-balance and that everything is always on his terms, I'd say that he's not wanting to be more attached any time soon.
If you don't leave, it'll be 8, 9, 10, 11 years of wasted time on your part. Keep your home. Keep your life, and stop giving to him.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 March 2012):
 It certainly sounds like your boyfriend has strung you along for 7 years. Amazing how fast time flies, no?
At this point, I wouldn't call your engagement an "engagement". Sure he has stuck around, but when push comes to shove, he isn't willing to sign on the dotted line. Also, from what I gather, he made you have an abortion several years ago indicates to me he isn't ready to have a child with you and probably never will.
I think you need to face reality here. After 7 years this man is not ready to commit. The question here is whether you are strong enough to sever your ties with him and risk finding a man who will want to be with you 100% of the way. I think you need to find the courage to give your man an ultimatum. Insist on a date to get married and start making plans towards it. The sooner the better, in my opinion. He needs to make an honest woman of you and he needs to be honest with himself as well. Anything less than that and I think we'll be hearing you after 3 more years asking the same question here (and likely receiving the same advice).
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 March 2012):
 That 'something' is the 7 years you've been together with nothing to show for it.
Do NOT sell your house. It would be a very bad idea to leave a position of security for one of uncertainty. Especially when you know it will be even easier for him to call all the shots if HE is the one renting the place. And why would you want to rent if you already own a home? Just because he can't own one doesn't mean you shouldn't.
You're not being selfish. You're being prudent and you're raising valid concerns.
He is not the one for you. Give him back the engagement ring and send him on his way. You aren't happy with him now. Getting married isn't going to make it better.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (16 March 2012):
I am not quite sure what you are saying. Does he want to rent a house for you to live in together? That sounds committed. I can understand him not wanting to move into your 'old' home. Its hard to define commitment when you are both divorced, you know it can change. You sound as suspicious of him as you think he may be of settling with you. You have a ring and seven years together, that is pretty committed. Don't spoil it by making up doubts and finding faults. He should be your best friend, talk to him!
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