A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 30 year old woman who has recently started a new relationship. We met through an online site, and on the first date I thought 'well I don't fancy him, but he makes me laugh and I feel very safe with him' We went on some more dates which were really enjoyable. After about the third or fourth date, we were intimate, even though I tried so hard to wait and really get to know each other first, My labido wouldn't let me, after being single for 2 and a half years. Which I guess for me is a long time. Anyway, now we are practicaly living together in my flat, and although we have much in comman, and we get on well. When we are intimate I feel so bad and I shut myself down, and when he wants a straight answer I am just silent, because I know he is going to leave and not come back, and all our good plans will dissappear too. My heart aches and I feel I am evil or something!! I even said to him 'Does fancying you have to be important?' The thing is I do like him, but that isn't enough for a true relationship, but he is contantly checking in on me, and how I feel, I have an inability to just be frank with him! Why is that? Help! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): You say you find it hard to be frank with him. I'm not sure what it is you are finding it hard to be open about though. The fact that you aren't physically attracted to him? Is that what you mean? Or are you having doubts about the relationship in general? Do you feel like this is all a bit rushed, and you would like things to slow down a bit?
I think I can relate to some of those feelings, as I have been there myself. I understand that loneliness, and wanting to be with someone, can have a very strong influence though. However, from my experience, if you are having feelings or doubts like this, it is probably a good time to say, "Whoa, I think we need to stop for a minute here" until you know what you want.
I think it may be difficult for you to be honest with him because you are afraid of hurting him. Or maybe you would feel bad for telling him something he may not want to hear? Whatever the reason though, I do think that it is better to try and be open, if you can. Not just for his sake, but for yours too. Otherwise, you could just end up feeling a bit trapped in the situation, and you will both have different ideas about where this is going. It may be difficult, but I think it might be helpful to sit down with him, and try and tell him honestly how you feel, and what you want.
Even if you aren't sure of what you want at the moment, it could be that you need a bit of a break right now to think, and decide what you do want. But I wouldn't advise carrying on with the situation as it is if you are feeling this way, just to please him. Your happiness is important too. x
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