A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone. I need your help. My partner and I split up in February after just over 4 years together. After quite a few conversations in between then and now, we decided to try and make it work again. He was the one though that texted me quite a few times after the split and was desperate to try and sort things out between us. I really didn't know what to do as although we get on really well, I'd lost something from the relationship and in my feelings for him. He was the one getting in touch with me asking to meet up to discuss where we went wrong etc and I guess I felt I a duty to do that instead of sticking with my original decision.We didn't live together but both have children from other relationships. He's also 46 and I'm 39. It seems so daft that I know we get on really well and he really does think the world of me but I really don't know if I can give him the same back. He says he loves me and I really can't say it back! We've been quite a few times together over the last few weeks and we have got on really well but I just can't seem to get all the feelings back that I need to make the relationship a success - nor am I convinced this is the right relationship as hard as it sounds. I really don't know what to do - hw can I get to the bottom of my feelings - I really don't want to hurt him but I'm not sure I could spend the rest of my life with him either. Many thanks.
View related questions:
split up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (19 October 2007):
 Only you can figure out what caused you to pull away. Was it a loss of attraction? Too many differences? Fighting too much?...etc. You really don't mention what kind of mate he was, but since you got along fairly well, he must have been a pretty good man. That in itself does not always solve problems when a woman become bored in a relationship. I stumbled onto a webpage one time, written by a lady named Michelle Langley and she talks about how women's feelings can wane at the 4 yr. mark and cause her to pull away from the relationship. This was the case when I was married. After a few counseling sessions and some soul-searching, I was able to determine that I had married my husband because he was good to me. He took care of me. He was kind. He was thoughtful. But he didn't knock my socks off sexually, or passionately and it caught up to me. I remained in the marriage a number of years, tellng myself that it was just a phase I was going through, but the fact was, there was something missing in our marriage. And it only got worse with time. Perhaps you could try a few solo counseling sessions. It sometimes helps to have a total stranger to talk to -- someone who doesn't hang out with you, who is not partial to you because they are your friend or co-worker, someone neutral that will help you map out your feelings and figure out which direction you should go. In my case, I had to end the marriage. And it was devastating for both of us because I should've faced up to my feelings years before. I still have alot of guilt over what happened but I couldn't keep pretending anymore. And neither can you. Good luck!!
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 The fact that you are questioning the relationship and your feelings for this man is significant. You should not commit to the relationship but rather move things back a bit and start over. Try just being friends with this man to see if you can develop the feelings you think you need to sustain a relationship. Was there something he did to make you loose/change your feelings for him. Was it a gradual loss? Perhaps if you could answer these questions you could figure out if it is even possible to get back the feelings. Quite often when the feelings vanish they are difficult to get back. A good friend gave me advice that you should always go through life in forward, never reverse. I don't think you can go back to what you had but maybe you can move forward and get what you need? Also, don't give in to him wanting to try again out of guilt. When you do this you aren't considering your feelings and you are the most important person in your life. Good luck.
...............................
|
