A
female
age
36-40,
*urora Childs
writes:I am sure I am not alone in feeling this way, but has anyone ever felt like they weren't supposed to be loved? That it was something that was meant for others but not yourself. I guess it is a different way to feel. I don't know what to think most of the time. I have always been scared of men. The only positive thing in my life is that none of them are interested in me, so I have been able to avoid dealing with them in a romantic manner.I feel a need to run from any man asking questions about my personal life. Actually any person generating questions about my personal life scares me. Most of my friends think I am weird because I am not interested in sex or being in a relationship. I keep telling them that relationships aren't for me. They don't want to listen. I have recently had nightmares were I was in a relationship and I was so extremely unhappy and the guy was so horrible that I ended up shattering my heart with a hammer just to keep him from doing it first. My closest friend believes I should give a guy a chance to be in a relationship with me and then I can make a decision about not wanting a relationship. I just can't ever imagine being in a relationship where I would feel valued or worthy. Part of me hopes I end up alone. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to be held. I don't want to be kissed. I don't want to be loved. I just want a eunuch, a good friend who will not try to change me or hurt me but be supportive of my dreams. I will be honest, I was taught that if you can't be beautiful, be clean. I have tried to be as clean as I possibly can be. The only positive thing to being ugly is that, God blessed me with some intelligence. My self-esteem survived only because I made good grades in school. Am I wrong to feel this way?
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female
reader, Aurora Childs +, writes (14 May 2009):
Aurora Childs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSometimes, I can't really decide whether I want to be devoid of contact from people or have friends or family that are really close. I understand that I will never be alone. I have my Mum and my immediate family who I am always in contact with. I don't think I want to be alone. Part of me wants to eventually adopt children that don't have homes or live in dire living conditions. I realize that I can't be devoid of love and still want children. I think I just feel sometimes that I deserve to be alone, but I am deep down thankful that no matter how I feel about myself, I have a wonderful Mum who supports and loves me unconditionally. I am eternally appreciative to God for her and other members in my family. I guess part of me really just needs to work on calming down all of the negative thoughts that run through my mind and make me feel as though I am not worthy.
Thank you for writing to me. I hope all is going well with you. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): What you are feeling sounds very much like what I used to feel on a daily basis, and still sometimes do.Having high standards can be a good thing, but it can also hurt if you feel like you don't live up to them. It is interesting you say you realise that humans are prone to making mistakes. This suggests to me that you can tolerate and understand when other people make mistakes, but it is unacceptable for you to do so. Is that how it is for you?You say that people around you don't seem to want to deal with you at the moment. Maybe they don't know how to help. Or maybe, because you are sensitive to the views of others, you are taking it more personally if someone is unavailable at a particular time. I am NOT trying to suggest that you are being paranoid, but I know that I can often take things very personally when I am worried about the opinions of others.As for wanting to be alone, as I said before, I don't think that is a bad thing. And I can understand it. If you were totally isolated and away from everyone else, you wouldn't have to worry about how other people were judging you, whether they were pleased with you or not. It would be quite a relief I suppose. But you will still have yourself, and you won't be able to escape from your own judgements and opinions of yourself. Also, do you really WANT to be alone? Or do you just think that you should be alone? Would being alone truly make you happy? If so, that's fair enough, but if not, then this definitely needs some work on.I know you said that you have low self-worth, but I just wonder how strong that feeling is for you. Do you ever feel like hurting yourself, "punishing" yourself in some way? I used to feel that, and again I sometimes still do, so I was concerned incase this is an issue for you too.Take care in the meantime. x
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female
reader, Aurora Childs +, writes (12 May 2009):
Aurora Childs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. I can't really tell you how I feel about myself from day to day. It really just depends, but if I had to think about it. I feel that overall, I am just not good enough. I try to follow the teachings of my Mum and Grandmother who raised me. I try to follow the teachings of my faith. I just don't feel like I measure up as what someone would call a good person. I help people whenever I can. I really do try to be the best person I can be. I understand as humans we are prone to erring, but my feel like my flaws just show through in everything that I do. On a good day, I would rate myself as almost decent. On an off day, it can range from bad to hideous to lower than dirt. I guess deep down, I have never considered myself worth much. I had so many expectations growing up that I had to have high levels of everything to succeed in life. I find that I have been able to live up to many expectations but not all of them. When I don't live up to and meet the standards I have set for myself or my friends or family have set for me, I don't handle it very well. I feel like they have a low opinion of me. Like I let them down. Part of me thinks that subconsciously I do believe that I am not worth being cared about or loved because I am not a good person as far as I am concerned. Right now a lot of my friends and family seem to not be happy with me at the moment. They don't seem to want talk to me or deal with me anymore. Strangely enough part of me is sad, but the other part of me likes solitude and doesn't mind. I think I just have to learn how to be completely comfortable with being alone and then I will be okay.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): I don't think you are wrong in the way you are feeling as such. Everyone is free to live their life as they wish. If you don't want a relationship, that is your choice, and people shouldn't try to force you into things that you don't want. However, I did find your question quite sad. I do understand the feeling that you are not supposed to be loved, I really do. But I just wonder why exactly you think that? Do you really not like yourself? Do you feel bad about yourself? Do you think it would be somehow selfish if someone loved and cared about you? Your friends surely care about you, how does that make you feel?I suppose I am just wondering if this feeling stems from anything in particular. It is difficult for me to advise though, as I don't know the situation more fully.But you are not alone or unusual in the way that you feel. If it is causing you pain though, hurting inside, then I think it might be helpful if you could reach out to someone for help, like one of your friends, or keep posting here for people to support you.I hope that this helps somehow. x
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