A
female
age
41-50,
*armaladeTrousers
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for a year. We became friends through my ex-boyfriend - who was his friend - while I was living abroad. My new boyfriend and I started dating a week before I was returning home. Shortly after I'd moved back, it just sort of happened that we thought it would be a good idea for him to get a VISA and come and live with me despite only a week of proper being together, 3 years of casual friendship.'Home' wasn't exactly home anymore. My family no longer live in the city and I've been away 6 years so I quickly felt that abroad seemed a lot more like home.While I was abroad, my life was generally quite exciting and I had an interesting albeit not altogether financially lucrative job but that I was passionate about. I learned a lot, worked very hard and had a good time. Partway through a lot of really awful family crap went down and though I've never been depressive, I found myself depressed - trying to fight through the depression for almost 4 years - so 3 abroad - still trying to care enough to do what I do, well. I only recently, 4 years on, after coming 'home' to sort out things face to face with my family, feel resolved. As of literally, this week and now want to live as the person I really enjoy being again. My boyfriend is younger than me by 7 years with no real prospect of any financial security - and still trying to figure out what he'd like to do. He's very sweet and a great companion. I really enjoy his company. But there are a few problems. One is that though very initially we had nice sex, I'm having a bit of a tough time being sexually interested. After the family debacle, elements of my libido became kind of weird and though previously I'd always had a very healthy approach to sexuality, had few long term bfs and a good sex drive but no need for a lot of sex. I can't explain what happens other than that though I'd like to be inclined, I'm not. And I know it doesn't make either of us feel good.Additionally, I've taken the year off to develop new skills - so spending a lot of time schooling myself - actually unfortunately learning what I'm not so great at as well as things I can be better at, living off of my savings and when those ran out, working idle jobs to pay the bills -Two months ago that ran out and I was working flat out to finish a project - I had two pretty great jobs lined up for now - I had enough to pay rent and bills but not enough to pay for food stuffs so my boyfriend kindly offered to lend the money by buying the groceries.He loves cooking and says it relaxes him while I do like, sometimes really enjoy cooking - so he cooks 90% of meals. I do about 75% of chores. However he's disgruntled. He feels like he's paying all the money and is not appreciated though I try to say I REALLY do genuinely appreciate it and have the whole time. Problematically I asked him his figures - he doesn't pay any real attention to finances where I am pretty much totally on my accounts so know hom much I spend on food as a single person to the last dollar p/m. His figure is grossly inflated and I sort of rue doing this arrangement - which only happened because I was working flat out on trying to complete this series of projects to increase future earning potential.We're moving back abroad in very little time and we'll live with his family for a few months while we ease into life in the crazy big city.My question is, have I been cool? Is my behaviour rational and can anyone else relate to not being sexually into your partner but really wanting to be? What is up with that?Any thoughts?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, shellycg +, writes (28 August 2012):
 HIYou need to ask yourself is he the right person for you? where do you see yourself in say 3 years time, still with this person? Sexual side of the relationship is important as any other part of a relationship and if you are just not feeling it for him is it because of your projects, your work or your finances as they can have quite a fundamental effect on the sexual side of relationships, or plain and simple you just dont fancy him enough and deep down you know and cant say anything.As for your question are you being cool, well I think your being totally fair considering he has no job and doesnt pay attention to finances I think you are being more than accomodating...you wouldnt go to his parents and not pay your way would you or do chores or cook so why should he be any different? Personally, I think you should sit back and think what it is you really really want from this relationship.Hope this helpsx
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