A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey readers, I think I'm falling out of love with my bf and need some help to understand my emotions and what to do to preserve what we have, or whether we should preserve it, please.We've been together 1 yr 5 months. I no longer get excited when I think about seeing him. In fact, I have been avoiding seeing him for the last few days. When I speak to him, or see him, the feelings of love and attraction rush back to me. When I'm away from him, I feel I think more clearly, more logically, and I don't miss him or want to be around him. I'm not sure if this is a phase and we'll get back to normal soon, or if it is the beginning of the end of our relationship. What makes me feel bad is that he is trying to get me to move into his apartment with him, says I'm the girl he wants to marry and have children with, that he's never been so happy. Problem is, I'm not as happy as him. I don't 100% trust him, because of several things that he has done in the past, like sexting other girls, telling workmates about our personal business (my pregnancy) when I asked him to please not do that, and not discouraging his ex when she started texting him a few months back. He's done nothing else to make me doubt him, and has never cheated on anyone before, but what has happened has shaken my trust in him, and despite me trying to forgive and forget, and nothing else happening in the last few months, I feel it has shaken my love for him :( He is a handsome, popular guy, and girls generally flirt with him...he thinks it's ok to flirt back, which is ok with me, unless it goes too far, i.e., sexting.I feel I am the one putting all the effort into the relationship, like, I am the one who takes us on surprise trips out, arranges dates, etc. If it was up to him, we'd sit in watching DVDs every night, which is ok for a bit, but not every night. And when I see him, I am happy, smiling, give him a big kiss, ask him about his day....but again I feel it's kinda one-sided. He never asks about my day, or how I am, and doesn't really listen if I ever do talk. We also ended up losing our baby (miscarriage) and I felt left alone to deal with it. He is also trying to push me to move into his apartment with him, when I want to stay in my own place (where I feel secure), which is nice but I'm not ready, and he gets sulky when I tell him so and makes me feel I am treating him badly by saying I don't want to move in yet, although I would like to when the time is right.On the plus side, I do love him, care about him so much, would never betray his trust, would support him through anything he faces in life, get on well with his family, like his friends, and we do still have a great sex life, and I would like to work through this patch so that we can get back to the happy, loving couple we were. He has no idea that anything is wrong, and I don't know whether I should ride it out and hope I can recapture what we had, or whether I should say something and risk ruining our future.There is noone else that I am interested in, and I do want to make it work with him if I can. What do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): If you're not enthusiastic and comfortable about your partner, the doubt is by itself a sign that there are big problems in your relationship.
And if there are big problems, it stands to reason that moving in together is only going to make problems worse by magnifying them or by putting more at stake. Moving in wont' solve the problems.
when you're with him then you feel OK because you are distracted by the here-and-now.
but when you're not around him, then your gut feeling takes over. Your gut feeling is the result of all the "little" nagging doubts that have built up and are not going away, and the subconscious issues you are too afraid to face or admit.
don't move in with him. and if you feel you love him, ask yourself if that is enough.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): This is you isn't, isn't it?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-im-being-pressured-to-move-in.html
Well forgive me for doing so OP but I used your question as an example to a different poster in their question. Have a look at what I told that person and see if it gives you a bit of insight.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/bad-experiences-with-men-should-i-continue-being.html
Please don't think I was trying to mock you or your situation by using it as an example for that other girl. I was using it as a warning to her. Read her question and read our responses to her because I think you may find the advice useful.
I don't think you ever imagined you'd be in this kind of situation and as I told the other poster it's exceptionally easy for us to criticize your judgement in this but it is something we've all done in relationships because love makes fools of us all.
Two important points I see in your post here.
1. When you're away from him and your feelings are in check, your rational mind tells you to run away, doesn't it? That something's not right here and you need to do something about it. What happens when you're with him then is he's able to disarm you and turn to mush because you love him so much and you pretty much become completely weak at the knees.
OP the fact that you don't miss him when he's not around and actually don't really like the idea of being with him when he isn't, is a pretty big sign that you're not happy with this relationship, or him for that matter isn't it?
2. It's all you and you kind of get that but you don't get what it means. You're the only one really working for this relationship OP. You're the one doing everything for him, in essence you have him spoiled. What you don't get is that you're the only one here trying to make this relationship work. He's betrayed you a number of times and gotten away with it every single time. He's a flirt and he has gone too far loads of times, you know what we call people like him, players OP, and he's playing you for a fool, and honestly when it comes to him you feel like a fool don't you?
You failed to mention the time you caught him cheating on you with two other girls in this question OP, are you trying to hide that one or dismiss it so you don't get a barrage of "leave him's"?
I honestly think you've been his doormat for so long now he just will never gain any respect for you. You're too afraid of losing him, you're so afraid in fact that you you'd rather be unhappy in a relationship with a guy you can't trust, who's trying to emotionally blackmail you into moving in with him and even has your "love conquers all" idiot (forgive me, but in this matter she's a bit of a fool) friend, backing him up.
Think of what I said to that other poster in her question above, see what I said about ignoring red flags? See what I said about hoping that everything will turn out fine? Well sitting and hoping didn't help the Jews In WWII, sitting and hoping didn't prevent the Rwandan genocide and sitting and hoping isn't going to fix your relationship. The only thing that ever fixes anything is action. Now you want to make this work but how are you going to do that? Are you going to burn his face off to make him ugly and get less female attention, the attention that he loves ad craves enough to cheat on you over and over again with them? Because he's not going to stop doing that, why would he? You believe every bullshit excuse he uses and you let him get away with doing some pretty nasty shit. You see you mistake what he feels for you as love, it's not, it's convenience. He's not going to find many saps out there that he can as easily manipulate and control as he can you and he definitely won't find many that he can so easily mess over and be forgiven over and over again.
You're not happy here OP, you're just a slave to your emotions and franky of you ask my opinion it;s going to take you a long, long time and catching him doing something pretty bad (which he will eventually) for you to walk away from this.
All I can say is you're doomed in this. This is not going to work out the way you want it because you don't have the strength to get what you want out of this. A stronger woman would just say "No, I'm not ready to move in yet, I do see it happening in the future, I like the idea but I'm not ready yet, please don't bring it up any more, I'll tell you when I'm ready but I won't bow to any pressure." But you won't stand up for yourself because you're too afraid, when you see him you become overwhelmed and turn to mush.
As I told you before, grow a pair of balls OP, when you were a little girl playing 'house' with your dolls. Did the husband in that house go around fucking around with other women? Did the woman of the house act all afraid and be his perfect little doormat that forgave him all his "mistakes"? No OP, when you were little you dreamt of a guy who not only make you weak at the knees but never even considered other women, only had eyes for you and respected you, didn't you? Correct me if I'm wrong like. Well the situation is this, you're currently in a relationship with a guy who has no respect for you at all. None, he pressures you, he cheats, he has betrayed your trust numerous times and he's made you afraid. Where's the respect there?
Well you know what OP? It's very hard to respect a doormat, so in a sense you've brought all of this on yourself. Stop being a doormat, stop being afraid and find some strength to stand up and get what you want out of the relationship, to get your happiness and fulfilment, if he can't give you anything other than good sex and deep emotions, then he's nothing but a pretty cock and there are fuck load of pretty willies out there.
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