A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am nearly 50 and I am often lonely. I'm a 'high achiever' I suppose. Very highly educated, employed, fairly healthy but very low energy and a history of depression (which I've never told anyone about, but tended to hide, fearing rejection).I have a daughter who I have a good relationship with, but she is grown up and lives far away now.I have no living family except two sisters - one is older, very mentally ill and violent, the other (10 years younger) has basically copied my mother's role as my abuser - she kept psychologically abusing me and kept trying to 'frame' me, just as my mother did, to make others reject me, so eventually I had no choice but to cut off from them - the older one would bombard me, in every possible way, with her anger, her extreme neediness, emotionally blackmail me if I didn't do what she needed. The younger one is so manipulative I wouldn't know where to begin to describe her. I learned very young, from my mother, not to show any need at all or all that would happen would be that I would be made to feel selfish and be made to feel even worse than I did, even if I was despairing with lack of love and just asking for a small sign of affection. Both sisters have basically ignored my daughter since birth, as they somehow see me as the capable, giving 'mother figure' even though my younger sister abuses me like my mother did - it's like if I don't provide for their needs absolutely, then I get abused. There was no room in my family at all for my needs; I was the strong one, the good natured one to be taken from. I've had a lot of counselling about my background. I am a fighter, I've fought hard to overcome this and make any sort of life for myself, but friendship has always been an issue. I always, always end up being treated badly and rejected if I show need.In terms of friends, I have one very good friend that I really click with on so many levels. She is highly intelligent and lives a very full life and is happy, but she lives in a different country, so I see her maybe about once a year. She would not be everyone's cup of tea, because she is very choosy about things, but completely honest and trustworthy. We Skype fairly often and we genuinely get on. I trust her more than anyone and it is she that I feel most connected to, but I am aware she has lots of other friends, so I am in no way her closest friend, though I trust her more than anyone in my life.I have another friend who I'm kind of close to, except we are not really intellectually matched. She has ADHD and dyspraxia, so I find talking to her quite hard at times because she can often seem like she's not listening and she also has a slight selfish and greedy streak. My mother had similar conditions, so I know how to handle it, but it takes patience. We worked together for about 9 months, 20 yeas ago, and we got on because we share the same humour and she basically has a good heart; we meet up for lunch about once a month. If I had to turn to someone for advice, it would probably be her. She has a kind heart, up to a point - she's let me down on some things when we were younger - But our lives are very different now, so, on paper, she wouldn't really seem like a person that would be close to me. I love the history of our friendship, but I don't feel intellectually matched with her - my colleagues and acquaintances would not understand why we are friends - I don't mind this, but it does indicate to me that I haven't 'fitted in' with a particular friendship group ie. intellectuals. Like my other friend, she has lots of other friends and a very supportive family, so I already know I am in no way her 'best' or closest friend.I have another friend who I used to see a lot as we studied together at uni. We've been friends for about 10 years. We used to meet up a few times a month, when we lived nearer. Now, although we still live in the same city, she works in a different city and commutes a lot, is incredibly busy, so it is more like a couple of times a year. I thought we were closer than we were, but she let me down when I had a serious operation that went a bit wrong - she didn't come to visit me, even though she knew I was very bed-ridden. It put a strain on our relationship, because at that time when went to visit another friend (one that I actually introduced her to but who ultimately rejected me), just to see her new house in a different part of the country, but knowing I was recovering from an operation. I am still close to her, but not as much as we were.Other than that, there are a couple of people I would meet up with for a coffee or a drink once in a blue moon - maybe once a year. These are people that seem to like me, but it isn't very deep.I know that my family history and being a working single mum has made it hard for me to make friends. I know I could choose to go to more counselling to see if this will help me to make more friends - but I've already tried it and it just led to me inadvertently getting used by messed up people, by trying to make the effort and be more outgoing (as counsellors suggested) I know I get drawn to abusive partners because of how my parents and family originally treated me. However, looking at this from another perspective, I also think I'm at an age now where people my age simply are not interested in making new friends. I know it sounds defeatist and possibly defensive to say it, but I wonder, honestly, is there any point in me even trying to be friends with people who are already 'taken' by others? I say this because my lovely friend who lives abroad told me how she recently met a really nice guy (she is gay, so there was no sexual thing going on) who moved to her workplace and was obviously needing new friends. She was friendly with him and helped him to fit in but also said "It's sad, what a shame, he is a nice man but I am at a stage now where I literally don't have time for new friends. I have all the friends I need for my life now". I told her how this made me feel - because I am thinking of moving to a new county and one fear is that I won't be able to make new friends, especially given my history. She said she understood, but it was a fact that making friends when you are older is much harder because most people who would make 'quality' friends have made their friends by then. She is sometimes almost too honest, but is such a nice person, and meant no harm to the man at all, but she has such a busy life that she was simply being honest - she can't fit him into her life. I felt so depressed about this. She has no real idea of how few friends I have, although I think she suspected a long time ago. The other thing I've noticed at my age is that there IS, definitely, suspicion if you don't have many friends and suspicion if you come across as even slightly too friendly; people seem to see a lone woman who is also lonely as inevitably 'messed up' or worthy of suspicion, and maybe that is the sad truth.It sounds awful to say, but I am worried that at my age the only friends I may make now will be messed up people. And I know that I myself must be somewhat messed up, if I haven't got more friends by now. I can be sociable, chatty, people like me, there is nothing about me that would make you think I'm so lonely. BUT I have a history of a. attracting abusers and messed up people into my life, who use me for what they need and then discard me (I cant tell you how many hours of my life I've given to trying to make friendships like this work and be functional, only to eventually realise the other person is simply using me) OR I keep 'quality' people away from me, because I fear I will be ultimately rejected. Another thing that's made it very hard was being a working single mum at a young age - there were no support groups like there are now, and there don't seem to be any support groups for older single mums whose children have now grown up and flown the nest, so I feel like I've missed out on that front.I'm highly educated but I also know I don't fit in. All my life I've been just about clinging onto having any friends at all. Viewpoints like my friend's scare me. I don't want to waste time going to counselling - I've been several times before and all I've found is that it helps me to understand why certain things are the way they are, but it definitely does NOT help you to move forward and make changes to your life and it does NOT change other people. I've tried 'reaching out' as counsellors have suggested and I think people have simply found it strange. Like when my mother died whilst I was at university and no-one asked if I was okay - so I actually asked the two women I was closest to if they would come over and visit me, because I was finding it hard - and they did, but you could tell they found it weird that I'd asked. People seem to see me as ultra-strong and then use me and / or find it strange if I ask for any kind of help or support or even just friendship. It would really help if others could say whether they hold the same kind of view as my friend, that, after a certain age, people who already have friends just aren't interested in making more. I went to college as a mature student and the very few mature students who were there found me interesting, but made it clear they already had their lives sorted, so I was very luck to make the couple of friends that I did make. I made lots of other temporary, younger friends, but they just used me for career tips and guidance and for my ideas and brain and help with their work and then moved on and dumped me - so many times I can't tell you. I know all this indicates that I'm not a good friend, but it honestly is usually always the other way around - I give and give and the moment I ask for anything in return it causes problems. I don't think counselling is the answer for me. I think it would help me to know which, if any, kind of groups to get to know and which are most likely to even want to be friends, without being overly selfish people who will simply use me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2018): Do you have Aspergers? Just a feeling I get from you post.You keep harping on about your intelligence, this could irritate most people and affect friendships. Your a Teacher, so am I, It's not rocket science. I think at 50 there is a world waiting for the brave, how about a parachute jump, or group hike in the mountains? travel is a great way to meet new people and gives interesting conversation, where intelligence and high achievers meet head on, their equals. the climber who reaches the top of the mountain, the jumper who falls a little further before he opens his parachute. Living life on the edge, no time for past pity parties, they get out there and live life to the full. They won't give a monkey's nuts about your brain or find anything to use from you, but they will want friendship. Someone to share the breathtaking views, someone to share the wine with on a sunset evening until sunrise. You may only be friends for one day but these memories last forever and tomorrow brings new friendships. Tip..don't bore them with brains, we all have one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2018): Also, I wanted to add WiseOwlE I'm already a teacher and I go way beyond the call of duty to help my students eg. to prepare for interviews and to apply for further courses and jobs etc. It's ultimately only added to the feeling of being used - after years and years of giving to others I am afraid I'm still waiting for the 'give back' from them to me. I know that sounds cynical but I've now reached a stage where I'm really trying to put in place new limits and boundaries re. my giving. I'm honestly grateful to be alive - I practice gratitude daily, and love life, but do have an issue with how selfish people - especially younger people - have become these days. I think the inroads of capitalist culture are a huge influence on the "me me me" attitude so prevalent today.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2018): I confess I read almost up to the first half of your post and I got bored with its repetitiveness and checked and saw still there is still plenty to read so I stopped reading. Unfortunately in these modern times the doctors and researchers have put a tag on every pecularity or individual trait a person can have so labeling everyone with a certain fault or flaw. According to them no body is sane, we all have some sort of insanity tagged to our collar .In the good old days we were classified either sane or insane and thank god most people were classified as sane unless we showed or did a bizarre behavoural flaw. Look dear poster don't analize people so much and don't dwell on what your sisters or mother did or said. Be grateful you are highly educated, highly intellegent, high achiever and be grateful you have a daughter of which you haven't said a thing other than she lives away from you. My advice don't befriend those whose company you don't enjoy. Choose only those with whom you enjoy being and whose company don't pull you down. You don't need to have many friends. One best friend will do. Just stop over analizing things and enjoy life as it comes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2018): Hi All
Thanks for the input from everyone.
I really like the suggestion about dancing and will bear that in mind.
Just to point out I did not come up with the title - so it was not me who said I "need" new friends. I would like some, but I'm not needy - if anything, that's part of the problem as I've always put others first.
WiseOwlE I definitely do not lack any social skills. A huge part of my previous roles has been looking after very demanding clients and my current role is totally 'people facing' - anyone would say that about me. It's not social skills that are the issue.
I do understand I may seem judgemental - although I could also say that the respondent who said this is also judging me. However, if I related more of my back history you'd see the problem is more that I do NOT judge people and I've made the mistake of over-empathising with very messed up people, gone far too out of my way to help them and basically been walked all over. If I seem judgemental now, it's because I'm probably trying to find a way to get a more balanced view and learn how to put up healthy boundaries - currently - as another respondent has intuited - these are probably coming across as barriers.
I've admitted I am 'messed up' because I was abused in my original family and I also attract abusive 'messed up' people. The thing is though, I've also got an extremely sorted aspect to my personality - far more sorted than most (and not being judgemental, just saying). The other respondent who was a single mum completely gets how this happens and I really appreciate that input.
But what this has resulted in is a highly socially skilled, welcoming, non-judgemental, genuinely caring and very 'leading' woman who attracts loads of people to her, especially extremely needy people, but who is still hurting, even at the age of 50, over original abuse and years of bewilderment about how this set in motion a habit of attracting further abusers. It's very hard to commit your life to never repeating what was done to you and to refusing to ever be abusive to people because you know what that feels like, and then find that you keep attracting abusive people who seem fine on the surface but who, when you get closer to them, are only using you. Either that, or I attract seemingly strong (but often superficial) people who are attracted to me but then realise that I am struggling underneath, sometimes, with things like self confidence, and they then dispose of me. And yes, it is much, much harder to attend groups etc as a single woman and it was even harder when I was younger - it took me years to understand that women felt threatened because they thought I was very attractive and could steal their man - I grew up with no-one in my family ever telling me I was pretty, so I had a complete 'blank' about that, as if I was invisible. It literally took someone - a gay man - to spell that one out to me.
I guess I'm also slightly taken aback to references that suggest at 50 I'm 'old' or nearly 'old'; I know none of you mean any harm at all by that at all. I am so used to associating with people much younger than me, through work, that in some ways I suppose I feel more like 40 than 50. Maybe part of what I am coming to terms with is how to do 50 in my own way - I think this is a question a lot of 50 year olds, especially women, are asking these days - there is a stereotype that I think so many women just do not fit at all and, if anything, actively want to rebel against it. I'd love to meet like-minded women like that, who don't fit stereotypes and refuse to 'give in' to old age. I think that's why the very straightforward idea of dancing - and a specific kind of dancing - seems so appealing. I used to absolutely love dancing on the very rare occasions I could go out as a single mum. I am going to research a group and give it a try !!
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (29 November 2018):
 I think you are thinking too much into this friendship thing. In my experience friendships form very slowly and usually over some common bond. You are probably best joining a group of some sort. Walking is a good way of getting to know people, you walk and talk. Another thing is to go dancing. Modern Jive is the thing to do and especially if you are single because you go along on your own. They teach it by moving you from partner to partner and very soon you will get to know loads of friendly people. If you are on Facebook have a look at Dance yourself Dizzy and see all the dancing that's going on. I think you are wrong that people don't want new friends - of course they do and especially so in the singles groups. You need to rise above the negativity of your sisters and not involve yourself with them too much. I agree with you that counselling is not worth bothering with. The best sort of counselling you can have is to get out there amongst loads of single people and before you know it you will be swallowed into the dancing world and have loads of friends. Please, give it a go,it will change your life. I was like you, but a lot more shy ,and I did it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2018): Perhaps it's time to teach, and/or to mentor others. When you reach the pinnacle of life, and you've found the crest of your success; it's time to giveback.
It's easy to feel sorry for yourself, look back at how miserable your family or past life was. Setting yourself up on a pedestal; feeling high-regard for your education and accomplishments, but never pursing what everyone on the planet needs. Connection. To feel connected to others; and to feel we've contributed something to make the world a better place. It doesn't have to be profound, just useful.
Going beyond your job-description; and actually stepping out of the box, to show other folks the ropes.
How do you assert that friends you meet now would be messed-up? A little judgy are we? A tad hypocritical?!!
We've all got flaws! It's all a part of our humanity. I'll pretend I don't see yours; if you'll pretend you don't see mine! That's how we make friends! Then you offer a little constructive-criticism with heart and sincerity; and we gently help each other to grow. That's just how simple it is.
You don't want to waste time going to counseling, but you need it. You haven't gotten over your childhood traumas. You get depressed, and you don't have a clue how to make friends. Citing your age as an obstacle; instead of an advantage. You have wisdom and experience. You've had exposure to life. The good and the bad. You've overcome barriers and ducked many bullets. You're an achiever.
You sought ways to educate yourself academically; but you avoided making human-connections. You're older now; so new tricks conflict with your "set-ways." That's a weak excuse. Connecting with people demands you to be polite, sweet, and interesting. To bite your tongue. That ain't your thing huh?
If you prefer running-around in those well-read groups, with large shiny foreheads; they're too geeky to be friendly. Most of them have Aspergers; or look down on folks with average IQ's! They're hard to call friends! They're "colleagues!" They find algorithms sexy and speak in six-syllable words! BORING!!!
Your avoidance of people and limited-contact (or shall I say, restrained emotional-availability) has made you awkward. Your social-skills are limited; because you're an "intellectual." You've spent most of your life creating a persona, rather than a personality. I read your post, you said so; in so many many many words.
Too snooty and too serious to make fun of yourself; or have a laugh with a total stranger. You're stiff. You wrote that long narrative describing just how stiff and emotionally-stagnant you feel. Do you ever just let-loose? Must you take life and yourself so seriously? I can only imagine what being your daughter might be like! You smack of perfectionism and structure. You never color outside the lines.
If you're successful, you should have the financial-means to travel, and keep a journal of your exploits. Eventually pursue writing. Not for snobbish intellectuals, to share your wisdom and experience. Even a bad-life is a story. If you're credentialed and diplomaed; you've been published? Anything beyond research, or some cranial academic publication? Cold, smart, and to the point? No fun, no pun?
You said younger-folks used you for career tips and guidance. It's wonderful that you were there to be a resource. That's a compliment. They used you, because you were a good resource. Getting back to the "giving-back" thing I mentioned earlier.
Devote some of your time to helping the less fortunate. Go on the college/university lecture-circuit; and let those young people pick your brain. That's why you were blessed with it; to share it with the world. To teach, to mentor, to help others grow. To give something back. It's rewarding, it gives you purpose, and you're a natural-born resource to help people. You'll make friends, gain allies, network, and you'll feel useful. Regardless of your age, or imperfections!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2018): You state several times you are intelligent, come across as strong and an achiever so that is how you come across. If you come across that way and i have no reason to doubt you then you have placed yourself in that role and people will be miffed by anything less from you.I am self employed and go to elderly people's houses, while you are not in that category i know that they join groups and seem more than happy to make new friends. But one thing i do think as i have been a single parent many years is that women who are without a partner are not welcomed so much into new groups. That is just how i felt, when i had a partner we went out on double dates or with groups of friends, that tailed off when i became a single parent. I don't know if you feel that to be the case but it did for me...Like you i became strong after my ex left me, it took time but eventually you do because you are the remaining parent bringing up your child. But somehow you have to let those barriers down if you want to be your authentic self and let others in. So can you not look around at local groups or hobbies that may be of interest to you? Try and join a group where you are all equals learning together and try and step back from being the adviser and the clever one, learn to act upon how you actually feel inside because you have said that how you are is an act to protect yourself from your abusive family. Well strangers are not your family, they don't know you so learn the difference between being aggressive and assertive so that if you feel someone is taking advantage you can react accordingly.It isn't easy, i understand that, i have been with my partner 18 months having been on my child for over 18 years, it is hard to break down the barriers but just learning to show your softer side and that means thinking about those feelings you have and bringing them to the open as opposed to the strong traits you display you will come across as more approachable and this does apply to friendships as well as relationships.I wish you all the best
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 November 2018):
 You don't want to try with people who you think are messed up yet you are messed up by your own admission. My guess is that you are judgmental when it comes to people and you rate yourself as highly intelligent which can come across as ignorance and rudeness. I would recommend going back to a counselor and if you want to make friends then don't be so judgmental off others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2018): I found your question really interesting and I think a lot of people are lonely in life.Its extremely difficult because as you so correctly point out many people have their group of friends sorted.And yet life is very fluid and there will always be new people to meet.My advice to you is not to push it.Once you get that self conscious feeling of 'being lonely' well-meaning people come up with the worst advice.Being alone in a crowd or with couples is a very unfriendly feeling and yet people are only doing what comes naturally to them by associating with people they already know.I think that if you take the pressure off yourself to meet people you will be in a better mind frame to actually do so.You can pick and choose things you feel you would like to do.But also you can spend time alone without being lonely if you develop a peaceful mindframe.There may be someone in your area or on your future life path who is destined to become a proper partner for life.But don't force it.As you are older you could join a walking group at weekends where you walk a few miles and stop at a pub or restaurant for a drink together.This is a low pressure activity and pleasant form of socialisation.And other similar low pressure activities are also good for socialization.Although you have had a tough life with a difficult family situationI think you are feeling that this has impacted your ability to make friends.I don't see it that way.I think you have just highlighted a difficulty that comes with the fragmented society we live in these days.And once again I think you should not blame yourself for the inevitable factors that you have no control over.Listening to the radio chat shows and occassionally contributing can also make you feel involved socially with society and the beauty of this is that you can turn it off when you want your own space.Also a cat or dog can sometimes fit into human life in a very rewarding way.Many people with dogs say that it is a good way to meet people!And I think the person who told you that it is unlikely you will meet any friendly people abroad is perhaps being misleading.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2018): Counselling IS part of the answer for you. You’re too stubborn to do the rest of it because you’re giving up. I know what that’s like; I’ve been there, but you have to find a group therapy that works for you.
You want friends who aren’t “messed up”, but YOU are “messed up”. It’s hypocritical. Almost EVERYONE is “messed up”, even if it’s behind closed doors.
Join clubs, start new hobbies, go travelling (doesn’t have to be abroad) with a group of strangers (but using a safe agency!), etc. It’s not easy, but you have to put the effort in.
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