A
female
age
41-50,
*arah-seeking-help
writes:Dear all,After 3 years of misery in a really bad marriage I finally decided to separate from my husband. I have no doubt that the marriage was bad and that this is the right decision but my problem is that I’m so afraid of the future. I’m 33 years old and I’m not sure I will still have a chance at marriage and having kids of my own. Quite frankly this idea of being alone for the rest of my life is what kept me in this marriage for this long. I knew after 2 months of marriage that my husband was a really bad person ( Verbal abuse, sometime physical abuse, emotional abuse, etc) but after every fight he will beg and beg and I end up forgiving him.Why am I feeling this way? Why this weakness ? I’m not in love with him but for some reason staying with him sometime feels better that facing the unknown.I live in a city where I don’t have any family (family lives overseas), not a lot of friends, but I have a great job that I love so I don’t want to move from this city. Please advise me ??
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 January 2012):
 The measure of strength and character is not doing what is easy, but what is very difficult. You're far stronger than you realise.
All this stress and unpleasantness will pass and you will overcome your fears. I promise you, in a matter of months you will feel like a new woman and look back and wonder why you didn't get out sooner.
You're a young woman, and obviously educated so you have options.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): your prospects are good, lots of people these days either get married later, or else get divorced and are back on the market for a new partner.
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A
female
reader, Sarah-seeking-help +, writes (28 January 2012):
Sarah-seeking-help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks you all for your support and answers.
For the "anonymous writer" who suspect that I grew up without father, I have to say that it completely the opposite. I grew up with a wonderful father and my parents stayed together until last year when my mother passed away. My dad paid for my education until I got my MBA.
My dad , although is out of the country , he is very supportive of my decision. He wanted me to leave this marriage since the begining. I have only myself and my weakness to blame not my family.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): "Why am I feeling this way? Why this weakness ? I’m not in love with him but for some reason staying with him sometime feels better that facing the unknown."
Hubby aware of your fears and insecurities, knows exactly what buttons to push, also quite frankly your priorities and standards are very low, you knew after two months he was a "really bad" person yet still with him nearly three years later as the lesser alternative to being "alone" as opposed to "independent" and "free" and "happy." Not a very flattering reflection on you, and an easy target for him to exploit and manipulate.
If you made the break at first sign of abuse, as any self-respecting female would, you'd have an almost three-year head start and would unlikely be "alone" today. Doesn't take much for him to drag you back down to lure you back, gets easier every time with more practice. You're willing to sacrifice much (self-esteem, dignity, pride) for little gain at very high emotional cost, with not much effort required of him.
Wild guess, pure speculation so apologies in advance but have to suspect you grew up without a father, desire for "family like the one you had" overrides judgement in choosing proper partner and co-parent, you want what you didn't have so no real idea of how loving family functions, that you are so easily wooed into taking him back every time suggests he can always appeal to ego and vanity over smarts and morals, and I'm sure he'll quickly convince you this time as well.
Suggest you talk to mental health professional, obviously you have huge void(s) in your life if you let this creep walk all over you just to keep a dick nearby.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): I appreciate why you feel the way you do, but really, you must try not to dwell on the worst case scenario.
These days, 33 is NOT old to still be single. My wife and I got married last year (my first, her second) and we're the same age as you. After the break up of her first marriage when she was 30, she also assumed she'd always be alone. My point is that none of us can possibly know what life has in store, and a person's situation can change very rapidly.
A couple of women where I work have just had babies, and they're in their late 30s.
And finally, you absolutely did the right thing by leaving your husband. It's always preferable to be single than in a bad relationship, and as things stand now, you have a chance at being happy in the future. Had you stayed with him, there would have been no chance of that whatsoever. Well done :-)
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