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age
30-35,
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writes: hi, advice please. i'm 19 and gay. i'm with a 44 yr old guy (dont judge) for a couple of months now. i love him and he says he loves me, i've loved him since i was 14. he split with his long term girlfriend 3 months back, i took a chance, he responded favourably and now we have a discreet relationship (i'm not out) including sexual relations 2 or 3 times a week if we get the chance. Hes a good man and kind to me. ok, heres my problem (if it is a problem!). he has got lots of pictures of female celebrities on his computer. i asked him why and he was totally honest and said that he masturbates to them. i said even now and he said yes. obviously i have always known that he fancies women and i cant give him that but we're doing each other and should that be enough? yeah ok i wank too but i think about him or some faceless bod. am i being too critical or jealous or what?
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (20 December 2013):
He's not gay, he's bisexual. Either you choose to accept him for who he is, or you end it. Jealousy is harmful to you, to him, and to your relationship.You're still very young and impressionable, and your emotions and hormones are incredibly strong. Yet, I urge you to take a step back and look at this logically. You can NOT change him. His sexuality is already very well established as he is a middle aged man. It is normal for ALL people to fantasize. Whether or not you do it is irrelevant, most people do have fantasies. It is very normal to look at other people while in a relationship. Also, the simple fact that he is bi doesn't mean that you can't have an exclusive relationship with him- bi people get into monogamous relationships/get married/stay faithful/etc all the time. Best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): You are very young, and completely gay. You need time to gain more understanding about your older partner's bisexuality. There are mental adjustments he has to make. He is now going full-time male on male; after hetero-sex.
Now, regarding masturbation and computer images.
You yourself masturbate; and you select or choose your own material for fantasy. Being jealous of another person's fantasies, or the material they like is silly.
I think you already know the answer to whether just having sex with you is enough.
Masturbation is a normal/natural alternative to having sex.
Even you will still do it, no matter how much sex you get.
You have a natural urge to touch yourself. The mood can hit you unexpectedly.
Trust me, you would much rather he masturbate; than to cheat on you with somebody else. In any case, you would be foolish to expect him to stop. You will never delete what is wired in his brain. He will never make you desire women.
Your mate is attracted to both men and women, and he is going to alternate his fantasies. You may even be one of his fantasies; but fantasy is fantasy. Don't start making unreasonable demands. He's much older and wiser. He will only tolerate so much "boyish" nonsense. There will be a point when it isn't "cute" anymore.
Most men (yourself included) prefer a visual-aid to enhance (or to feed) our sexual arousal during masturbation.
I hope you don't think you're going to stop him from masturbating, or should have any control over what he chooses to masturbate to. Reality check!!!
Some things you just aren't going to change.
If his masturbation becomes too much of a habit; and you begin to feel deprived of sex; then you have a legitimate complaint.
Jealousy about masturbation is childish and futile. You may need time to get used to a few things. It's normal to be jealous; and it's okay to tell him how you feel about it.
He may make some adjustments in consideration of your feelings. Do your best to be fair and compromise.
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