A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm trying to figure out how to deal with my mother. Quite a bit of the following is venting, so you may want to skip to the question at the end.I'm in my mid 40s, but she still tries to tell me what to do constantly. There are many things about her I despise, and I really cannot stand her as a person. She's never had a job to speak of, and she was never willing to put in the time and effort to get an education. She's unwilling to work at an unskilled job (the only ones she'd be qualified for). She has always had financial problems, and she managed to get by for years by guilting her parents into supporting her. She also relied on my siblings and I to support her, even while we were working and going to school, paying our own tuition, rent, etc. She would still come to us and lay on the guilt when she was having a financial "emergency" of some sort. She basically spends every dime she gets on clothing and nice restaurants, then cries for help when her power is about to be turned off, etc. Her formula is to spend her money on things she doesn't really need, then cry for help when she has no money for the important things. (It's taken me many years to fully recognize the pattern of behavior for what it is)She is very manipulative, and she'll say things like "I can't believe you are unwilling to help out your own mother! I've had such a hard life, you just don't understand what it's like!" (her parents have provided her with a house to live in free of charge for 40 plus years, she's never paid rent once in her life, and she's never even paid property taxes)She's also a huge boor and spends most of her time spouting her own opinion about how the people in government don't know anything, her parents didn't know anything about money (even though she was completely dependent on them for financial support for 40 plus years). She tries to tell me how I should dress, she criticizes my career choices (and any other life decision I make). She criticizes my siblings' spouses, her own sister (they are no longer on speaking terms). She constantly spouts off about he she knows so much more than others, even though she has no education or work experience of any sort, and she doesn't read anything other than a few magazine articles in Cosmo and such. Although she attends church and thinks of herself highly, she has been carrying on an affair with a married man for many years. She spouts off about other people, but she apparently thinks she gets a pass because her life has been so "hard".She takes no responsiblity whatsever for her own situation, and blames everyone else.She is also extremely nosey and tries to figure out what I'm up to in my personal life constantly. Her stated reason is normally that she's worried about me. For example, about 5 years ago when I was in my late 30s she started asking around to figure out what was going on with me and my girlfriend of the time. She somehow found out I was having sex with my GF, and she called me very upset that I had not told her I was having sex with my girfriend. (I'm not in any way close to her so she would not have any basis to think I'd tell her)If I tell her to keep her nose out of my business, she says I have psycological problems, that it's really sad that I push her away like that, that we should be a loving close family, etc.All of my other siblings have moved out of town, in large part to get away from her. She has no friends, so she relies on us for social interaction. She calls us constantly wanting us to do things with her. Doing things with her involves her suggesting eating at a nice resturant. At the end of the meal she will announce she's "a little low on cash" (for the 100th straight time) and ask us to let her "borrow" money to cover her meal. If we refuse, she gets extremely upset and says something like "I can't believe you are being so ridicuous!" Dinner "conversation" consists of her launching into boorish rants about how everyone else on the planet is so stupid compared to her. She is not in any way shape or form interested in anyone else's thoughts on anything. In short, I absolutely loath her and I would prefer to never have any contact with her whatsoever.Here's the problem/question. I have a 6 year old son, and I do not have custody. My mother does love him, and she wants to see him constantly. I have very little time with my son under a court order, so my only choice is to spend some of my limited time with both my mother and my son, or to give up some of my time with my son and let my mother have my son while I do other things. I've tried (through legal action) to get more time with my son, but I've had very limited success with this. My son's mother absolutely hates my mother (not without reason, but that's another story) and she's completely unwilling to let my mother see my son during her parenting time. So far I have chosen to have my mother spend time with my son infrequently, typically while I do something else. My mother is extremely angry about the situation, and she leaves numerous voice messages, etc. berating me for being so evil and heartless. For the most part, I never answer the phone when she calls (which infuriates her more), and I delete her voice mail rants without listening to them. She drives by my house and leaves notes, and I've seen her driving by at other times as well, apparently trying to figure out who is at my house, etc. My mother will absolutely not respect any boundries whatsoever, and trying to reason with her is a complete waste of time. I'd prefer to simply never have any contact with my mother at all, but I do feel a "moral obligation" of sorts to let her see my son. Am I being a heartless SOB for not letting her see my son more? Do I have a moral obligation to promote a relationship between my son an his grandmother? For the most part, she is friendly with him and so on when she's with him, and I know she does miss him when she can't see him.
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affair, grandmother, married man, money, moved out Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 January 2011):
 i am very sorry you have had to endure such a toxic/manipulative mother. And can understand why your ex wife is so hostile to her. And the idea that all mothers are amazing maternal paragons is untrue. I have a wonderful mother in law, but she had a toxic mil (A) who made her life hell. And who, in the end, my mil had to stand up to (A).
On another note, it is my belief that children are influenced to a very strong degree by every interaction/persons they spend time with/place they/what they see. Therefore as much as possible they should not be exposed to the equivalent of toxic interactions/influences/values/attitudes/places/persons/events etc.
As such I would suggest that you should put your son first and re-order your life in such a way that you see/interact/be with/talk to/listen to/do things with/impart your values/impart your attitudes/demonstrate your ways of living and communicating/relate your memories/cook meals for/teach - all these things - 100% of the short time you have with your son.
His memories of your influence should be paramount.
Think about what values, attitudes,ways of communicating etc that your Mom can teach your son? None that will bring a good influence on his life.
There are (sadly) millions of children around the world who do not have the influence of their still alive grandparent in their lives. Most times due to estrangement of their parents. But occasionally because the grand parent is viewed as a toxic influence.
I would wager that your mother only wants her grand parent for reasons that help portray her in a positive light. How many other grand children in her family still willingly attend on her?
Stop being manipulated by your mother.Moved on in your life. Your mother will stop you moving on. I have no doubt that your poor son is subjected to a forensic grilling by your mother on what you (her son) is doing.
You are under no legal obligation to give up your precious parental time with your son.
You are under no obligation to keep enabling your mother. She must surely by now be aged over 65-70 so her demands will escalate now as she going to be less able to interest a sugar daddy to help her finance her lifestyle. She has never been taught, by tough love, to live within her means. She is an adult without empathy and with poor life skills, and an ignorant arrogant attitude to what life is all about. She should face the consequences of her actions.
In what way, besides bringing you into the world, has she earned the right to teach your son about life?
I applaud your siblings for moving away. They have said enough is enough.
The thought of her thinking she has the right to judge you and how you live your life and who you see and your actions is laughable.
When you start to distance yourself and your son further away from the influence of your mother I suspect your siblings will ask, ''what took you so long?''
And don't get into long diatribes with your mother about your decision.
And if she still pushes to go out for lunch with you then drive her to Subway instead and order there. Tell her you have a New Years Resolution(NYR) to eat healthy and another NYR to not waste money on expensive restaurants. She will soon tire of asking you to be her compliant meal ticket if she realises foot-long-subs are all she can look forward to with you.
Put your son first in 2011 and enjoy good times with him. Away from your mother's influence. Next time she whines, cajoles and manipulates make sure your phone is on answer machine and that you and your son are out and about enjoying quality father/son bonding time. If your Mom complains tell her your time with your son is precious and that you will decide when and where he goes, and if and when it is convenient you will consider her access, but that now is not convenient. You may like to retain a copy of any of her phone rants to you, in case she subsequently tries to undermine you further, trying to jeopardise YOUR access to your son.
Your mother sounds like a very manipulative sad woman. My commiserations. Pat yourself for turning out so well, despite her best efforts.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers, they were helpful.
"If it's for her own benefit to see him, well, what has she done to deserve this privilege?"
That's an especially good point! This is ultimately all about her and what she wants.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 January 2011):
I think you should distance yourself from your mother, cut off contact with her. Simply don't respond to her voice messages. Or respond by saying you don't have time to see her. she's a pretty toxic person, that's pretty obvious.
You may want to follow in your siblings' footsteps and leave town. It sucks to have to do that but with her driving by your place leaving notes, that's extremely intrusive. Are your siblings 'happier' than you are now that they've moved away from her? If so, then why not do the same too.
I don't think you have a moral obligation to let her see your son. You're his parent, not her. You get to decide who you do and don't want him to be influenced by.
If it's for her own benefit to see him, well, what has she done to deserve this privilege?
there's nothing inherently magical about a kid having a relationship with grandparents. Many kids grow up with no grandparents at all (grandparents are dead, divorced, estranged) and the kids grow up just fine. Don't feel like he HAS to have a relationship with her just cos she's the grandmother, if doing so comes at your expense.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 Sit her down.explain to her of her 'wrongs'...also tell that if she doesnt stop interfering in your life you will cut all contacts with her, including her seeing her grandson.unless she has/ its a disorder of some kind,then she'l need some therapy
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A
female
reader, Secretlife  +, writes (31 December 2010):
You just have to stop helping her so much. Your mom has to realize that nothing in this world is free. And that you have your own life. You have to help yourself first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOrignal poster here. I forgot to mention that my mother probably sees my son about 1-2 times per month, roughly 2-3 hours each time. She also takes care of him during the day for 6-8 hours for a couple days every 3 months or so when school is out. I just can't stomach interacting with her any more frequently than that.
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