A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need serious advice on how to handle this. I am in love with someone who makes me so happy yet so miserable at the same time.I lovemy girlfriend. Infact she is everything I could ever want right now. Problem is she fucked things up at the start.Shehad an old boyfriend who took his life about a6 months or so before we began dating. She was 18 and so was I. I lost my virginity to her and she 'claims' she lost it to me as well.The only reason I say this is becuase she was so quick to be sexual in our relationship that it just does not add up. Plus she had first said she never did anything before, and as the relationship dragged on Ifound out she has messed around and done things withplentof pastex's.The first 6 monthswere pure shit, she cheated on me, wouldtalk topeople and just cryabout her dead ex, andwouldflirt with people online.I know for a factshe kissed oneguy and played around with another guysdick. here's the problem, beside all of the rampent cheating, she talked about her ex's dick size afew times and during messing around even tried to tell me how much bigger his was. She is obviously a fucking idiot about this topic. Problem is I know they messed around while we were together, she just won't admit that she had sex with him, although I think it is totally obvious, as well as other people and I doubt I was even the first.Since all of the fights she has stoped everything, its been 10 months of faith fullness. She is alway saround delted myspace, phone numbers threw out any photo's stopped talking to friends, is giving up everything so she can stay with me.Yet the whole dick size, esp how she would talk about it (I didn't bring it up, I didnt want to know) and even tellingme how much bigger and shit and the fact that she wont admitto having sex it drives me nuts. I feel as if I will never trust her again, I have crazy computer skills and totally check her phone and computer and eveyrhting all the time. I know she hasnt done anything since then and its been almost 10 months now, and I truelydo love her.Problem is I am so insecure and want her to admit the truth, although if I bring it up I know shes going to egtangry and even try and make me out to be the bad guy for bringing it up and ecusing her.What do I do? Iam the type of person who will cut a friend oranything if they cross me.Yet I cant leave her, becuase I know I will regret it right away. Although I hate driving myself crazy every day with these sick thoughts in my head. I hate her becuase I love her, and wish I didn't love her this much.She has given up everything, her social life, andher own free time just to prove how much she cares. Shes taken every fight, every name I have called her and will continue too if it means she can stay with me. tells me every night she loves me, as well as during the day, before I see her and when Im at work or school, she even wrote me an entire book filled with notes, pictures,drawing and paintings she did herself for me,so I know their is true love now. it's just that until things got really bad,and she realised how good I was to her, this part of her hadnt come out. I love who she is now, problem is I cant get over my hatred of who she was.The last time we had a fight about this was 2 months ago, the fights have gotten farther and farther apart, and I feel like I am goingto start another. I do knowthat she admitted to me that she did this in all her old relationships and its a problem she hated about herself and has sworn to stop,and that she never realised how much I cared or that anyone would again from herlast ex who took his own life, I know she was fucked up but can she really change? Also don't I deserve the truth,as bad as it sounds when she finally admitted to me she messed around with the guy whos dick she wouldnt stop talking about I felt sobadyetlikeIwas finally breaking through with her. I just feel like I havent gotten the whole trut hand that I deserveit, aswell as it being a piecein fixing the whole in our relationship.
View related questions:
at work, cheated on me, her ex, insecure, lost my virginity, myspace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): if the same guy makes u happy n same time feel miserable,take my advice DUMP him.....i suffered the same situation for a long time n at last i had to dump him for my happiness...its hard but it will soon get better..
A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (30 September 2007):
 Right i'm going to tell you what i think and you might think it's aload of crap, but here goes anyway....
You are both still young and when you got together maybe she did not want to open up about her past relationships because she was worried about what you would think of her, but hey when we are young we are niave.
She had been through alot and was in a bad place emotionally even if she did not freely admit it to you.
I think she has proved to you over the last ten months just how much she thinks about you, like you say she has given up alot, it might take her along time or she never be totally honest about her past, but at the end of the day it is her past and maybe she just wants to forget about it and concentrate on her relationship with you.
What you have to do is work out now whether or not you can deal with not knowing or think about whether you really need to know, if you love her that much it really should not matter as it is the present and the future that should count.
I think we spend too much time dwelling on the past and that can be such a big killer in relationships, after all it is called the past for a reason.
Sorry if i have gone on abit too much and if i have not made much sense it's just my opinion.
Take care.xx.
...............................
A
female
reader, lisa21 +, writes (29 September 2007):
i feel sorry for your gf it mustv'e been tough losing her ex, i still don't believe thats an excuse to cheat but at the end of the day you chose to stay with her, yes you deserve the truth but maybe she's just not ready, she needs to talk to someone and i don't think you can help with that. take it easy on her she'll tell you in her own time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was 2 years ago, they dated for about a month. It wasn't serious. His parents used to contact her and recently did, she told them alla bout me and how she ahs moved on andaskedthem to also since theywould talkto her sometimes.
When I say social life I mean guyfriends.
Also yes she did see a counsler for about 6 months. Stopepd when we first started dating,t hen went backfor 2 more and even told ehrcounsler what she did to me when shefirst started andthe counsler told her to try to apologize to me and to stop taking me for granted.
She did this to prove herlove becuase I was so hurt whenI finally got her to admit her truths after she stopepd wewould fight often. She knew I would be jealous around any male friends she had so shecut them all off. Shegot rid of myspace so I didnt worry about her sending messages anymore.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was 2 years ago, they dated for about a month. It wasn't serious. His parents used to contact her and recently did, she told them alla bout me and how she ahs moved on andaskedthem to also since theywould talkto her sometimes.
When I say social life I mean guyfriends.
Also yes she did see a counsler for about 6 months. Stopepd when we first started dating,t hen went backfor 2 more and even told ehrcounsler what she did to me when shefirst started andthe counsler told her to try to apologize to me and to stop taking me for granted.
She did this to prove herlove becuase I was so hurt whenI finally got her to admit her truths after she stopepd wewould fight often. She knew I would be jealous around any male friends she had so shecut them all off. Shegot rid of myspace so I didnt worry about her sending messages anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (29 September 2007):
 Hi,
I think your girlfriend must be in a terrible mess if her boyfriend killed himself. It is very recent too. It seems to me that maybe she is trying to deal with her sorrows in this strange way. Sounds to me that she is not really ready to have a "normal" relationship just now. If I were you, I would back off a little to not have my own heart and mind messed up, and to give her some space to heal. Did she see anyone for professional help after her ex:s suicide?
It is absolutely not sound of her to give up all her social life and free time to prove her love for you, it is not proof of love to do that. It is also not proof of love to ask someone to do that. It is only manipulating and controllong and it will hurt both of you in the end. Why do you think she must do this to prove her love for you? She needs her social life and her own time to come to terms with herself and to come over her loss. After that she needs her own space in life to remain a good and sound person.
I think you should leave her in peace and give her the time she needs to heal and get back on solid feet again. It will be good for you too because if you let the girl you love have her space, you will get so much more in return than only her acting out of fear of your rage. In the meanwhile, work to improve your own self esteem. It will give you more trust and confidence as well. You ask her to do a lot for you and to understand you, what are you giving her in return when it comes to understanding and trust?
Take good care!
...............................
|
