A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I started interning for this company about a year ago. That's were I met him. He was my boss and a solid 18 years older than I am. There was no immediate attraction. I knew he was married and the thought of us being together never ever evvvverr crossed my mind.I loved working with him he was a fantastic boss, and we shared the same sense of humor so we spent the entire day laughing. I even did side projects at his house, met his wife and babysat his children. Him and I would stay up all night talking online quoting movies and telling jokes back and forth and I developed a little crush on him.And I say a little crush because...to me, it was the same as having a crush on a celebrity..fantasize a little but there is an understanding that nothing will ever happened..Until, of course, alcohol becomes involved.We went to the company Christmas party, and a party it was, Drinking, eating, dancing, the whole nine yards. I stayed close to him because, he was really the only person I knew in the company. A few drinks led to more drinks and more, and finally, somehow..we kissed. Without flirting, without..anything really. It just happened.After that my drunken honesty came flying out of me like "I have had the biggest crush on you for so long" blah blah blah and he, of course, said the same about me. But I kept saying "You're married with 2 kids, you're married with 2 kids".. That night, we only kissed.The next morning, I felt absolutely horrible. On top of my severe hang-over, was a pile of guilt and embarrassment. I am the intern and my behavior was completely unacceptable. I cannot believe I let that happen.I spent hours and hours just silent, soaking in a hot tub. Scared that someone would find out, ashamed of what I had done hoping that I could just..pretend it never happened. Then, he sent me a text message saying "Been thinking about you all day...when can I see you again?"I'll admit, my heart dropped and it made me smile a little and I simply replied "that can never happen again" and he then replied, "that's ashame, thought we could have a little fun"..With that comment I felt like such a cheap whore, a cheap thrill...just cheap. I had always prided myself in holding my morals and claiming that a man is only as faithful as his options and as females we need to stick together. I come from a family that was completely torn to shreds by infidelity... I can't be that girl.But, I fell victim again. I tried my best to not make this situation weird or awkward between us, and it wasn't at all...in fact, the sexual tension grew stronger and stronger and eventually..more happened.I couldn't resist him. All we did was laugh. We'd go out to dinner, movies, shopping. He became my boyfriend. Everyone at work found out, and everyone was surprisingly ok with it. My friends thought it was a great thing because he treated me so well, and especially since my last boyfriend damn near killed me, he was like breath of fresh air.Everything was PERFECT. And he told me he loved me. and I ran. I couldn't believe I let a married man fall in love with me, I let this go on for too long. I felt even more guilty and I couldn't allow this to grow anymore. So I tried breaking it off again. But without made me realize... I loved him too.So here we are 8 months later. I don't know what to do. I don't want this to end and at the same time I can't bare the thought that I am hurting his wife and children. This can't end well. I've been in therapy trying to cope with the situation and now I'm even having nightmares about her coming after me. I know she knows...what do I do??
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at work, cheap, christmas, crush, drunk, flirt, infidelity, married man, my boss, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): "I can't bare the thought that I am hurting his wife and children."
Well, perhaps you should think about them since obviously nothing else has worked in weening you off this scumbag of a person, not even the fact that you are seriously jeopardizing your future career.
Please stop this now. Nothing good will come from it. Find another position at another company ASAP, and cut off all communications with this low life, and Do not start any more relationships with someone who is not 100% single and abusive-free.
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, califnan +, writes (13 September 2009):
 Being in love with a married man is the world's biggest trap for a single woman .. They can be more rounded, confident, sweeter, Considerate than any single man that others would tell you to try to seek - out there. He is using you to enrich His life. With the knowledge that his marriage is sealed by God - you must back off. Keep your relationship without sex, without touching, without improper innuendos. Talking about business related things or even clean joking can still exist.. But remove your self from his marriage - and forcing him to Deal with his life. You remain a beautiful, complete, woman who must Build on your life as God has created you and meant for you to do - and not for the mortar for someone else's marriage..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): lets talk about your career for a moment. As an intern i am certain you want to be known for your work ethics and for your professionalism - not for lieing on your back for your boss. I also think you are sadly mistaken that people are not ludging you for your affair with this older married man. jus becuase they do not say snide remarks to your face doesn't mean that they are not gossiping about you and your boss. realise this- they are NOT OK AND ACCEPTING of your affair. they know that you are getting away with murder just because you are lying on your back for him. is this the professionalism you want displayed in the work environment? think about your future and think what you have become . this mans wife trusted you and you have been privvy to his home life and with his kids. how do you repay her- by stealing her husband?? and by stealing a child's father?? you come froma dysfunctional family so you are used to betrayal and deceit and perhaps lies. i am not judging you but trying to show you that perhaps because of your own family situation you care NOTHING of destroying a marriage and family. you are such a yound person but you have started your life with this drama. where will it end. only with you being out in the cold once this married man is finished with you. he is having his fun with you because you have shown him that you are freely available and that you do not have any issues giving it to him, anywhere, anytime and without any qualms. think about what you are doing and the REPUTATION you have created for you in the workplace. you are definately the talk of the tea time sessions and just because you are naive enough to belive that everyone is ok with you sleeping with the married boss, think again.
if you want some semblence of a decent life, a life that is not overshadowed with your extra curricular activites in the workplace, then you know what to do. You have a repuation now of lowering yourself and keeping your boss happy in the sack. NOTHING, NOTHING you now do in the workplace will bring any credibility. nothing you say, no matter how important it is will be credible. you will be judged for your affair and being an intern, well, your actions seaks volumes, doesn't it. it is not what you have to contribute to the company but it is your sleeping partner you have chosen that is making everyone talk about you. you have no career, only thing now you are good for is pleasing your married boss. it this what you have become. a homewrecker with no professional backbone.
girl, take your work situation very serious . You do not want to be known as the work slag, you need to have a career and you need to decide how you are going to deal with this horrible repuation you have created for yourself.
i have not gone into the other merits of not having an affair with a married man, yet alone your boss. The other aunts have given you advise. I am advising you about your work situation and the relaistic view of what you have become in the workplace. we are in an economic crises , safeguard your work, and professonalism. do not think that just because you are doing it with your married boss you are safe. in fact, if HR is made away of it, you can be facing major major trouble. don't think your boss will protect you. he will only want to save his bacon when th sh1t hits the fan. also realise that if onother employee reports you to HR, your career is doomed. think carefully before you open your legs again. i am not being crude , merely trying to show you the severity of your actions especially durig this economic meltdown. save your professional reputation. in the end it is akl you will have left when this married man fininshes with his fun and throws you away like yesterdays garbage. you need to ensure that you add value to your company not by doing the boss, but because you are worth it as a valued employee. go find a single man who does not have a wife and children. there are plenty single decent men around. you just have to be willing to do the right thing.
you need to make wise decisions regarding your life. don't let your unwise choices determine your future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): theres a thousand obvious reasons why you should quit your job and never talk to this man again, so why go into it. what it comes down to is do you have the will power to do what is the obvious, all be it hardest thing to do. do you have the self respect to cope with the inevitable hurt sooner then later. Leave him with the mess he had complete control of creating. other wise become another femine cliche, an object of male pleasure
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (13 September 2009):
 Gina is right although not because of any requirement for feminine solidarity with his wife or because what he is doing is despicable but rather because as you know already this situation will not end well for you. Move on, move away and if you feel you must, then meet up with him for one great fun weekend every year.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): I am sorry but he is just using you for 'some fun' if he truely loved you he would have left his wife.
You feel guilty because you know what you are doing is wrong. You need to quit your job and cut all ties with him. I know its going to be hard but he is not yours to have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): The clue is in your words "my last boyfriend damn near killed me". When you are a victim of abuse (which is what I assume you are saying)it affects your sense of self esteem and self worth. I think this has altered your perception of who you are and your place in a relationship it has also made you vulnerable - it kind of sneaked up on you. You have settled for second best (the 'other woman' always is) and this is another symptom of your low self worth. Yes, what you have done is wrong but there is always an explanation, a root, and you need to find this. The answer will help you break free and see this for what it is - futile. Do you want to be hanging around for the small amounts of time he can afford you? You will start to feel used and its a road to nowhere. You talk about yourself with shame and disgust and this will not help you. This guy, I guarantee you, has siezed his opportunity with you for some 'fun' and has since got away with it quite nicely. If things got ugly at work or home - really ugly - you would be dropped like a stone. My best advice if you can is to leave your current place of work at the earliest opportunity and stay away from this guy. This will serve two purposes - you will not have to see him and so not be tempted to continue it and secondly you can start your career focus again with renewed pride without office gossip and stigma and put this down to lifes experiences and something you have learnt from - stop torturing yourself. Despite everyone being ok about it.. lets face it when they think of you they think "she's the one going out with a married man", not "she's fantastic at her job and such a great person". You want the latter huh? Work on your self esteem before you end up with a 5 year affair that gets ugly and a ruined professional reputation. Let your head rule your heart. I speak from experience and the advice I give is the advice I wish someone could have given me.
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