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female
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anonymous
writes: I am feeling a bit down and frustrated with myself because of the way I let people treat me, mainly regarding my boyfriend but also a few of my friends. I was quite hurt by the way my boyfriend treated me on his birthday (he initially invited me to his birthday do but then his plans altered without him informing me and he went out to his birthday treat without me. I wasn’t the only one that didn’t go though - the rest of his family didn’t go and they had initially been invited too). Now, I know I can be over sensitive so I tend to put things down to that because I can’t tell what is me being over sensitive or what is bad treatment on his part. I think in this case it was disorganisation on his part but then I would’ve thought he would have missed me!!! Anyway, I figured it was just a misunderstanding so I thought I would let him off that one and just asked if he had a good time. It was annoying though because I had changed my plans to go to his do.Anyway, my birthday do was last night and yet again people let me down on the day. A couple of friends cancelled on me because she had had a heavy night the night before and felt unwell (even though she knew weeks in advance that she was seeing me the following day - what is that about?!?!?! and I had also got into a little trouble for cancelling my voluntary work again so I could see her but me being me I didn’t want to rock the boat so I didn’t say anything. However, the thing that really annoyed me was the fact that my boyfriend cancelled on me hours before the event because he forgot about another function that was on. He phoned up to apologise about it but I just felt second fiddle because I imagine he was going with his best friend (my bf only seems to see me if his best friend (male) is unable to see him) His mum went to this function as well. Anyway, my bf said did me and my friends want to come out to his function instead of going to the event that I had arranged but because I have had some now ex ‘friends’ trying to control me recently and kept telling me what I should do for my birthday just because they didn’t want to do what i wanted for my birthday, I asserted that ‘I have already booked this event so no we cannot go to yours’. I just felt like my bf was trying to control me like my ex ‘friends’ were. He kept saying that he wanted to come out after his function to see me because he needed a cuddle but I texted him later on saying we didn’t know what time we were going to be back (although that was true, really I needed some time to simmer down a bit). He said that he wanted to see me the following day and I said that I didn’t know what time my friends were going to leave. Anyway, I ended up in tears after his phone call because I was really looking forward to having him and his mate come along. After all the cancellations I ended up with just 2 people coming out for my birthday!!! I just felt abit sorry for myself (although I didn’t show it and had a really good time) thinking even my own bf can’t be bothered. See I don’t know how to deal with negative feelings constructively. I hate arguments and confrontation to the point where I split up with my ex-boyfriend rather than try to sort things out. I can see the same pattern emerging here. Do you thing I am reasonable in saying I have been badly treated - I think I am. Why are they doing it? It seems like these days people say yes to an offer and think nothing of cancelling on the previous offer, usually on the day so you can’t offer the places to another person, if a seemingly ‘better’ one comes up and that really annoys me. How would these people feel if they had it done to them. See, I see my bf going to another event as a sign of him rejecting me even though I think he may genuinely have forgotten about it. Everytime he does these things it actually diminishes the feelings I have for him. If someone treats me badly, I don’t know how to express myself so I tend to withdraw from the person in question and it also avoids me getting hurt again but I need to sort this out because my bf is going to think he is being punished without knowing why and whilst I was really annoyed with him I don’t want to punish him.I am reluctant to see him tonight because I feel like withdrawing from him but I realise that will achieve nothing. I need to be mature and confront him about this but just don’t know how (because in my experience people are very sensitive and as soon as you mention negative things they either go nuts or want nothing more to do with you). So, how do I express these feelings without getting too heavy about it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): Dear friend after reading your text I felt very confused, I think you have a bit of a problem, you do not clearly communicate what it is you want, you do not really say what you mean first off, so maybe this is a problem and a pattern in your relationships. You sort of wait to see what moves the people in your life will make before you make your move, which is no way to manage things.
You teach people how to treat you....if you allow your boyfriend and your friends to get away with cancelling your plans and functions at the last minute and continue to be their best bud without "confronting" how you feel about their inconsiderate treatment of you, then effectively you are telling them it is alright for them to take you for granted. You have to be a bit more assertive in expressing your expectations of the relationship...if these people do not treat you with dignity and respect then you need some new friends, and a new boyfriend.
You deserve to have people in your life that want a relationship of friendship based on mutual understanding and respect and concern for your feelings in short a reciprocal relationship, and if they don't want that with you then cut them out of your life because they will continue to hurt and dissapoint you.
I agree that people in general today are very self-centered and much ruder than they used to be, in general people are lacking in the social graces. You either have to "teach your friends how to act by example" and if they are unteachable, look for a higher calliber friend they are out there, but perhaps you are over looking them because they may not seem as cool as your oh so busy and selfish posse....something to consider.
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