A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am struggling initiating sex with my girlfriend, I'm very self conscious, and prefer to let my partner initiate (that's not to say I never initiate it), atleast then I know she wants to have sex, I have an incredibly high sex drive but don't want to over do the 'pestering' I hate the idea of having to beg or be needy about it. Been together for about 8 months now, and early on we where having sex everytime we saw each other, tearing the clothes of each other, normal for the start of a relationship in my experience, how ever its starting to feel forced, like we have to force the issue, so to speak. It doesn't help that when i get tired, usually 9-10 pm I feel like I've hit a wall and am out for the count, and the last time I initiated it although I felt turned on I couldn't get an erection,, wich in turn is starting to put me off initiating, I see the time and stress over it, almost feels like I am putting myself under pressure and now nervous incase i can't get hard . She is very sexual aswell and has initiated quite alot, but I don't know what to do about it, I guess I could talk to her, but I don't know ow what to say or how to go about it, I can only presume what I am experiencing is normal and happens to alot of men, but it doesn't make me feel better, when I have a beautiful woman under me and I can't get hard, it's happened a few times and I've made a joke over it, and apologised the next day, figuring it won't make her feel good that I don't get erect! I also would like advice on how to go about talking about our turn ons and offs, since I get a turn on by getting the other person off, I feel this might help, we haven't discussed anything like this, as I prefer to explore and kind of find out for my self.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2023): Communication is a really important part of any relationship, sexual or not. Saying, “Can we try ___” or, “That doesn’t feel good to me,” or, “I don’t feel comfortable with ____, can we ____ instead?” can actually make your relationship better. Talking about what you do and don’t want to do is a chance for you to be honest with each other and become closer. So ask questions and speak up!
It’s also important to be a good listener. Letting your girlfriend know that you respect their boundaries and feelings will make it easier for them to talk to you. Ask questions if something isn’t clear or you feel like you’re getting mixed signals. Don’t make assumptions. And never pressure or manipulate them into doing something they don’t want to do.
Talk with your girlfriend about sex when you’re both comfortable and thinking clearly. This means before you start fooling around, so you don’t get caught up in the heat of the moment. But talking doesn’t end there - keep talking during and after being sexual so you know you’re on the same page.
If you aren’t talking about sex with your girlfriend, you won’t understand each other’s expectations. Not only can this lead to frustration in your sexual intimacy, but it also weakens your emotional intimacy because you aren’t communicating your thoughts and desires.
Sexual intimacy is a gift to explore.
Talking about sex with your girlfriend can strengthen your sexual and emotional intimacy.
During a sexual encounter you can:
• Let your fingers do the talking: Stated simply, you can put your partner's hand in the right place, guiding it with yours.
• Offer brief instructions: You can use words to convey your sexual desires, such as to touch here or there, harder or lighter. “More,” “faster,” “slower,” and “harder” are words that can be quickly and efficiently used. Of course, such simple instructions can result in miscommunication. You could say “faster” and your partner could think this means “harder.” So, it’s important to be willing to continue to give ongoing instructions. And, then, when a partner hits it just right, you can give positive feedback, saying for example, “That feels great, “Yeah. Just like that,” or “Oooh. Keep doing that.” If giving such instructions sounds awkward or uncomfortable, you aren't alone. Women commonly worry that telling male how to touch them will be perceived as pushy. However, just the opposite may be true. men said they genuinely want to give women pleasure, but are often at a loss for just how to do so. And, again, the fact that every woman needs something slightly different to reach orgasm makes it even more important to tell a new partner what you like.
• Combine these skills: These sexual communication skills are best when combined. For example, couple your words (“faster”) with your hand coaching (put your hand on top of your partner’s and demonstrate what fast means). Once your hand is removed, if they have it right, use words or moans and other sex sounds to give positive feedback.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 January 2023):
 "I guess I could talk to her"
Yeah, if you can have sex with her you can TALK to her!
Sometimes simple touches can SHOW your partner that you are attracted to her. But it doesn't really say:" I want to jump your bones".
TALK to her. If you can write this down, you CAN tell her that too, right?
I bet you she feels awkward about asking too or when to ask.
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