A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I posted about a month or so back about a situation with my boyfriend. In the mist of an argument i took him to his old roommates place to check his mail and after about ten minutes inside i finally walked up to find out what was taking him so long and come to find he was chatting it up with the butt naked chick his old roommate moved in. It caused a big fight between us but i eventually forgave him and things have been mostly good between us otherwise. The issue I'm having with it though is that it's not been easy to forgive and forget such a thing. He gets upset if i mention it, so i try not to. But his mom owns the house and everytime we see her she rambles on and on about the old roommate and how awesome him and his chick roommate have been. It stirs feelings up in me everytime and my boyfriend gets mad at me for still being upset over it. He says he told his mom he didn't care to hear about the people, as she knows what happened but she i guess didn't hear him. I kinda feel like its a topic he only avoids in my presence etc. I'm just stressed out and not sure the best way to handle the situation moving forward. Any advice is useful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): It's not my point to dwell on this; you need more time to decide what you really feel you have to do about it.
If he does it again, trust me; it won't be out of stupidity, it would be deliberate. If he knows it really upsets you, and he doesn't seem to care; then it's up to you let him know you're going to do more than fuss or nag about it. If that's all you're going to do about it, he's right! Get over it already!
If he stands there talking to a naked girl and doesn't care if it upsets you. He's not stupid. He just doesn't care! Men grow an immunity to nagging and idle-threats.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm the op. I think what really bothers me the most is that i can't trust him to handle situations like that now. He seems to think i shouldn't have gotten upset and even had the nerve to ask for a ride there the very next day to check his mail again. I never got a real "sorry, you don't deserve to be put through that" from him, Just a bunch of "it's in the past, drop it" and i feel like even if i forgave him, he'd do it again because he's dumb like that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2018): Miss OP,The nudie incident has really got to you; you have let it get to you. Your boyfriend’s mother is inconsiderate of you. You are mad as hell. But why? Do you know why? Deep down do you really know why? Take a piece of paper (I’m being serious here!) and at the top write, “I’m mad at My Boyfriend Because.” Then sit and list the reasons. Take your time, think hard, don’t give up, list them all. You can’t do anything about it until you know what is bothering you. You’re doing this for yourself, so be honest with yourself, there’s no point in lying to yourself, let it all hang out! You need to establish very clearly in your own mind why you are mad and deep down come to understand why this is bothering you so much. That is where you have to start. When you finally know what is bothering you, then maybe you can do something about it.Now if the extent of your list is, “I’m mad because he talked to a naked girl for 10 minutes,” that’s not good enough. You have to say why it bothers you so much, I repeat – why does it bother you so much? This is where the hard truth must come in. I will pretend to be you for a minute: 1. It bothers me because the inconsiderate bastard kept me waiting 10 minutes, 2. It bothers me because he found that girl more interesting than me. 3. It bothers me because I love him and I don’t want that girl to steal him. 4. It bothers me because he is always inconsiderate of me. 5. It bothers me because he is always leering at other girls. 6. It bothers me that he never says I love you. 6. It bothers me because I don’t know how secure this relationship is. 7. It bothers me because I hate these living conditions.I think you catch my drift. Figure out what is bothering you and then maybe come back here again for advice if you need to. Good luck…
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 December 2018):
 Forgiveness takes time. REAL forgiveness.
You won't ever forget. We just aren't wired that way.
If you KEEP starting arguments or conversations about the issue (whenever his mother brings it up or it pops into your head) you NEED to nip this in the bud and NOT beat this dead horse any further.
YOU have CHOSEN to STAY with this guy. Which means you NEED to choose to let it go. While I do NOT condone his actions and behavior, or understand why you want to stay with him... THAT is the choice YOU have made. Now you need to make another choice, and that is to NOT USE this for ammo for further arguments or disagreements. It's been discussed, he has no done XYZ since...
But real forgiveness will take time. Both forgiving HIM and yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2018): It's not your fault OP. It's his. Whatever breakdown this relationship suffers is because of him. You have no responsibility in your breakup if that's where it ends. Why wouldn't you resent him? Why wouldn't you want to make him feel bad? You're trying to help the guy grow a conscience which he obviously doesn't have. I think it's best you leave him because it's only going to get worse. He has shown you his lack of character.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2018): Depending on how long ago this happened, I guess you just need some time.
I presume that it would upset me too; if my significant other was chatting on and on with somebody naked! Yes, I would visualize that for some time; because there was nothing left to the imagination! Especially, if they happened to be close age-wise! If she didn't cover-up, she was likely trying to entice or tease him! He had some big balls to leave you waiting; while all this is going on! So he deserves some of what he's getting!
You can ceremoniously forgive him for the sake of peace and harmony; but if you're going to be a constant pain over it, you haven't forgiven him at all.
Don't falsely proclaim forgiveness; until you've reached that point. You've only called a truce; until you get upset again. The thing about his mom is silly. She can talk about whomever she pleases; and you can just get over it! Don't project your nonsense and relationship-issues onto her! Nobody is forcing you to keep that boyfriend!
You're carrying a chip on your shoulder; and you're very insecure and distrusting. If he has a good history of being faithful up to now, he deserves a break. Control yourself as best you can. You can forgive, but nobody says you have to forget. That's one strike against him; but don't feed this thing too much energy, or he just might dump you first!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2018): You say you forgave him for this incident and that his behavior has changed ever since. You really need to stop bringing this issue up going forward, if you have truly forgiven him for this. If it is still nagging at you (apparently) then you may want to try to talk with someone, a therapist or social worker, to help you work through the feelings so you don't have to keep re-visiting them with your boyfriend.If you find that you really cannot get over this, and cannot truly forgive him, then you really need to separate. It is unfair and wrong to keep punishing him for this over and over, when you originally claim it is past. If you cannot stop bringing it up, or using it to hurt him during arguments, then you are just not compatable in the long run. It is a tumor that you continue to feed, which will ruin (or has already ruined) your relationship.Best of luck.R
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