A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a issue getting the past out of my head. This is long, but I think I need to tell the whole story to put it in perspective. My wife and I have been together for 15 years and married for 11. We were each others first loves, and were young when we got together (her 15 me 19). We thought we had everything going for us, except her toxic family, who hates me. We moved in together a year later and were happy. After being together four years, we had way more responsibility thrown on us than we were ready for. She had a young cousin that was taken from home and put into state custody because of her step brother. Instead of sending her to live with strangers we took her in. We had no idea how much of a burden it would be, we couldn't do anything as a couple due to the rules put down by the state. As well as the stress from that, my wife's aunt was telling each of us that the other was cheating on the other. Neither of us confronted the other about it, we held it in and stayed hurt. Coupled with the fact I was working 12-16 hours a day to try and save money for our wedding, I was never home. Well my wife plans on leaving me for a few days, and her aunt talks her in to taking all of her stuff and moves out. She left me her diamond and a nasty note. I'm so hurt I don't know what to do. I spend the time apart depressed and drunk ( it kills me now I didnt chase her ). Fast forward five weeks. I get a call from her, she found some of my things she took when she left, and wants to return them. So she comes and sees me. We talk, she kisses me then I ask about us. She breaks down and tells me she's with someone. I ask who, and she tells me. ( it's a real scumbag drunk old enough to be her father who was living with her other aunt) she has to leave and I have to go to work. I spend the rest of the night crying. Wondering how she could move on to him so fast and why him? We text back and forth the next couple of days then I see her again. She moves to another aunts house ( the one who spread the lies) away from him and we start seeing eachother again. Dating all over. This goes on for about a month, then she tells me to leave her alone she needs time to think. I try to chase her this time, but she won't answer my calls. I call her house and her aunt tells me she left and went back to her other aunt and him. I'm devistated, I feel like she left me twice for him. Four weeks go by and I get a text from her "I'm 6 weeks pregnant". I call her and she tells me she wants to come home. I pick her up and we get married three months later, even though I question the paternaty of the baby ( I have no doubt now). This was 11 years ago, we are now happy, have two beautiful children and the toxic in-laws have been out of the picture for a few years now. I never gave the situation much thought, and we never discussed it. A couple of months ago her aunt and uncle came to visit for a week. These are the ones that him lived with. That brought back the whole scene for me again. I've talked with my wife about it for the first time, and it hurts like it happened yesterday. I'm glad in a way it came up, because a lot of my assumptions were cleared up. This is what she tells me:She hooked up with this guy two weeks before we got back together ( I always thought she jumped right in his bed or was before) , and it turned her stomach. She said she threw up and cried in the shower for an hour after. Both because it was him and because it wasn't me. She did not want to have sex with him again but did she don't know why she let it continue, she just did. (I don't get this) She also let it slip about him being well hung and other details I didnt want to hear. ( just enough to get bad ideas in my head). She said she stopped after she saw me that day and left him that weekend. She also never went back to him. That was a lie and I concerned that with many people. She told me she stopped talking to me again because she knew she was pregnant, and she didn't want me to question it and didn't know what to do. I love my wife dearly, and I know she loves me as well. I don't like talking to her about this as I don't want my insecurities to come across as a lack of trust. I know we had forces against us and she was young and regrets it. Now years later this is eating me and I don't know what to do. It's not fair to her either. I know we were separated, but I can't help to feel like she cheated and the details about them play in my head over and over. Please help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): I really don't know what to do? I need to clear my head, and make myself understand that a mistake from 10 years ago dosn't matter. I can't help but feel betrayed, and wonder if I'm doing it for her when we make love. I'm now trying to accept the truth in what happened and not what I made up in my head. I still hurts to know she was with another man, and to think he satisfied her. I know I can't keep going like this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): I'd like to thank everyone for the responses so far. First off, the kids are my kids, DNA test was done 10 years ago. My wife had always told me she had no doubt I was the father, because she did not go back and forth like I thought she did. She insisted on a DNA test for my piece of mind. Trifling doesn't even begin to describe her family, thankfully most of them have been out of the picture for a couple of years now. I think the biggest problem now is my head. I was too busy trying to get her back and keep her then, we never resolved it. Now that I've had all those thoughts triggered if feels like it happened yesterday. It doesn't help that my wife has seemed to black most of this out. I know now that she never went back to him like I thought, she left him the day after she came to bring my my things. We have been very happy the last 10 years, I need to deal with this and hopefully forget it, the thought of seeing her be with him is driving me insane.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): I believe u r a really good guy. That's hard 2 come by. For the record u were wronged by EVERYBODY! Ur wife didn't know what she wanted going back and forth. Her family is trifling. 4 ur own peace of mind get a DNA test and seek out some counseling so u can heal and move forward. U deserve some peace.
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A
female
reader, lalina +, writes (28 August 2012):
you sound like a very nice man. you said the both of you were young and when her damn relatives intervene, thats when things got messed up. the best advice i can give you is to pray and forgive, hopefully this will not happen againg because the both of you were young but if it ever does don't look back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): I lost sympathy for your wife when she committed paternity fraud. Step #1, you need to test the kid and then see where you are. It costs very little. I know you don't want to break up with your wife, you want to heal things. But what is broken is your self-respect. You cannot heal that by just continuing to do what is good for everyone else except yourself. You were wronged by your wife, not just the aunt. If you bullshit yourself about this it will continue to manifest itself in your bad feelings that you are trying to fix.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): This is very confusing isn't it the way I see it is it's in the past now you continued to chase her knowing she was obviously going back and forth with you and him are you 100% sure the child is yours did you do a d&a test? I skid think you rushed into marriage too but that was your decision it's not nice Shen you see someone that brings a load of regretful memories back but you need to try and move on or end it?
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