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male
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anonymous
writes: PLIZ HELP!!!follow up to the earlier question about my girlfriend and male friend. You see I've already approached her and asked for moderation of the relationship between her friend, but shortly after she's saying I miss you to the guy, saw the message in her male like you said she exhibits moderation but in actual fact she just cant let go of him. I finaly gave her an ultimatum to chose between the two of us she becomes evasive, insists that he's just a friend she goes on to say she luvs me but she wont stop talking to him because he's just a friend. These are the people who go on to cheat one day and fall in luv at our expense. If there is a special bond between them, then I dont see any reason why I should evean think of marrying her coz her heart is divided, she simply doesn't fully luv me to give up this friend. If she cant let go, then what do they plan to do with the relationship what is the point. I'm giving her the ultimatum again, if she choses her friend, I'm simply going to asume that she luvs him more evean though she wont admit it, then move on coz realy I cant be always paranoyed about this guy. If she wants to be with me its me and her alone just the two of us no one else, thats what I've done for her, why cant she do the same for me. she's being selfish. OPINIONS PLIZ!! Am I on the right track?
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (22 October 2006):
 "stina the female writer must learn to respect other writers' answers and replies and for her to make sarcastic unwanted remarks is uncalled for."
I don't really understand if you meant that I was the one who was being sarcastic (there was missing punctuation in the above sentence so it's hard to tell), but I wasn't. Please feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk about this, the place to do so is not on someone else's thread. I would have pmed you; however, you chose to remain anonymous. Thank you.
(Feel free to delete this message, as it does not directly pertain to the post but I felt the need to respond. Thanks!)
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (22 October 2006):
 You don't need help... just validation that you should break up with your girlfriend.
Forget the ultimatum, just get it over with. You're not married to her, so why continue the self-torment? Let her go so that each of you can find someone who has a mutually compatible concept of trust. She clearly does not comply with your concept. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2006): i think you're on the right track, to me it sounds like this guy just isn't any friend, they're getting too close for your comfort. eventually they'll fall in love and you'll be left alone, hurting. but i think your gf is not worth your love, it shouldn't be that hard to choose between a boyfriend and supposedly a "friend". they can still be friends but not be so attached, you know.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2006): i believe that everyone's reply/answer is entitled to his/her own thougths and opinions. there is no right or wrong answers to any situations.the replies are simply suggestions, input, thoughts and recommendations. it is up to you to make that decision. other replies may not be acceptable to other writers but it is certainly a freedom of speech and must be respected. stina the female writer must learn to respect other writers' answers and replies and for her to make sarcastic unwanted remarks is uncalled for. :-)
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (20 October 2006):
as stated by anonymous below: "you need to know and hear from your gf that this relationship is between you and her only"
dude, his girlfriend did tell him that - she said the guy was her friend.
"love = respect" EXACTLY.
look, you've already made up your mind, anon. just find someone who doesn't have the need to choose her own friends already and be done with this mess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): i'm glad to see a man who speaks his mind and has full of energy to express his honesty. truthfully you are right in your own ways. you are an individual with senses and feelings. you need to be heard and understood. you need to know and hear from your gf that this relationship is between you and her only. you need to communicate this to her and if she's being stubborn and bias about it then that's when you stand firm and make your decision. is this picture acceptable to you and her or NOT. being played by the situation (meaning the drama between her and the close male friend and you) is not healthy for you and her. two (not three) people in love in a relationship is about caring, understanding, giving, respect and trust.
you see, if my bf talks to a close female friend or his ex gf constantly and regularly i'd be angry, feeling insecure and heck really mad... love = respect ... you know what it's really common sense... peace
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (19 October 2006):
Hey,
I found some info that you might want to read over from a newlywed magazine (obviously I know that you two are just dating, though.) I thought it might be of additional help.
(http://www.thenest.com/articles/article_love.aspx?articleid=A60626182957)
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Maintaining friends of the opposite sex (we like to call them FOS) is probably one of the biggest cans of worms you'll open in your marriage -- especially when the FOS is an ex. You may know your honey chose you, but it doesn't help when you hear him laughing with the ex about high jinks they shared in college. How to avoid bad feelings? Arond and Pauker suggest the following:
Include your mate when you hang with FOS. After all, if all three of you are together, your spouse is likely to see the friendship is strictly platonic.
Alternatively, keep FOOS friendships separate from your marriage. Your honey may think it's cool that you chat with your exes from Texas, but she may not want to hear how great their new jobs are. Don't hide your friendship with the ex, just don't talk about it too much, and definitely avoid comparing your ex to your mate (for life, remember?) outloud.
If it causes too many problems, you can always break off the friendship. Is it really worth jeopardizing your marriage to hang out with your ex for an hour each month? It's probably not worth the hassle.
Talk, talk, talk. One good conversation (or three or 20) may relieve any jealous feelings your spouse harbors of your FOS.
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And I just have one thing to add. If you do break it off with her, it will be in the best interest of you and her. That's not a bad thing. I just think that people shouldn't dictate who their partner is friends with, but we all have different opinions and I understand that.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (19 October 2006):
Anon,
No, you're not on the right track. It seems like you have a problem with insecurity that needs to be addressed. Have you tried counseling? Did something happen that makes you not want to trust people?
Just remember, if you break up with this girl, then it's because of *you* and *not her*. She is doing nothing wrong. You have no right to make her choose like this. She said she missed him because he is her friend. I miss my friends when I don't see them as much, too (although my husband doesn't ban me from seeing my guy friends).
Have you tried getting to know him like several people have suggested?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2006): first of all i cannot believe u gave ur gf an ultimatum. are u trying to control her and who her friends are? if she wanted a relationship with this guy or be intimate with him, do u think she would be with u right now. u as her bf should not force her to choose between u and her best friend. the fact that u need to give the ultimatum a second time means that its not an easy decision. think about it, if she was going to chose u then she already would have. u need to stop being so insecure and trust her if she can be trusted. if she cant and its creating problems then u need to find anothergf who is not so emotionally attached to another man who she claims is just a friend. oh and FYI she is not the one who is being selfish its u
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