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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I guess I'm just really confused at the moment and would like an impartial view on things! I've posted on here before and had some really kind words and useful advice.Basically... (here goes!)... My boyfriend has been in prison for the last year, and got out a couple of weeks ago. I'm at university at the moment, and I went back to my home town to surprise him on the day he got out (he didn't know I was coming over and thought he'd see me the day after he got out when he came to my uni to see me). That day was so perfect... until we went out with some of his friends in the evening. I told him to have a drink and have a good time as I would have him to myself for the next week after that (as he was coming back to my uni with me), and tried not to be too clingy so he could have some time with his friends.He ended up drinking too much, and all his insecurities came spilling out when we got home. He got quite angry and started accusing me of cheating on him while he was away (I never did), and saying that I was constantly lying to him. I remained calm and explained to him that I have never, and will never, cheat on him (as far as I'm concerned if I feel I could cheat on someone I might as well break up with them). He then started to cry and tell me how he is a failure and that I must be lying when I say I love him as no-one could possibly love him as much as I say I do as he feels he's not worth it. (He's been through every type of abuse you could ever imagine when he was a child).We have been together for 3 years and he cheated on me right at the start of the relationship. I managed to forgive him and we moved on. I understand that his accusations of me cheating of him may stem from the fact that he cheated on me and so he feels that he 'has it coming'. I try to explain to him that this is not that case, and that if i felt this way I would simply break up with him.He claims to not remember anything about his first night out, and when I explained to him how he'd treated me and what he'd said he couldn't stop apologising and promised to give up drinking.When he was over visiting me, everything was so amazing and we enjoyed each others company so much. Now he's gone back home. He's been out with his friends a few times since he got back whilst they've been drinking, whilst he's refused to touch a drop of alocohol. However, tonight he's gone out with them, and ended up drinking. I phoned him to say goodnight, and I ended up getting another load of abuse down the phone about how I must have cheated on him and I'm lying about it. My main concern about when he got out was that he'd carry on drinking heavily and get into another fight (the reason he was in prison in the first place). He got counselling to deal with his anger whilst in prison, and he no longer seems to be physically aggressive whilst drunk. Although his paranoia seems to have got worse, and I'm recieving the brunt of it.I can't go on being accused of things I haven't done, I don't deserve it. I don't want to leave him as we're so in love, he just can't seem to accept that he deserves to be loved and have a faithful girlfriend... I don't know what I can do....
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female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (7 December 2006):
 Being abused as a child and come out of prison has naturally affected his emotionally leaving his insecure and in need of a lot of reassurance.
If he really wants the help, he may want to consider councelling again.
You also need to sit and talk about this. He needs to understand the strain on your relationship and that his paranoia might push you away not the fact he is a failure. he is only a failure if he decides to do nothing about it.
Good luck
A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (7 December 2006):
 Hi there,
You poor soul. I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of drunken abuse and it ain't pretty, especially when you have done nothing to warrant that abuse!
This is entirely his problem, you do understand that right?
Basically all I can say is this. If he loves you as much as you say he does, then he would do anything to stop from hurting you. If that means giving up drinking altogether, then so be it. He obviously cannot handle alcohol, especially after a rough up-bringing and obvious psychological problems, so you need to encourage him to seek MORE help for this. Okay, so he isn't physically aggressive right now, but how do you know he isn't going to fall back into that later down the track if he doesn't continue to get help?
He sounds very fragile, especially just after getting out of prison - i bet that experience alone would make anyone feel like a failure. The fact that you waited for him shows how much you love him and believe in him - perhaps that is thought is just a little scary and almost too real for him? You know what I mean? Like, he has had a terrible childhood, has a very aggressive nature that got him in trouble, and yet he still has this amazing woman that has stuck by his side through all of it. I think you need to write him a letter pouring out all your feelings. Write a list of 100 things I love about you - or less if you can't think of 100! Keep doing little things to make him feel like he is deserving of that love. But be careful, because he also needs to be made aware that he can't continue to abuse that love and you anymore. He needs to SHOW you this by stopping drinking (or setting himself a limit of 2 beers) and continuing to get help.
Hmm...not sure if this advice has really helped reading back over it.... please let me know how you get on, as I would like to continue to give advice if you need it. Take care okay - you are your number 1 priority - remember that. xxx
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