A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a woman for my first time. To make the story short, I broke up my engagement with my 8 year fiance not only because he was cheating but also because I felt l for this girl. We've been dating for about 4 months now. I never actually took time off or space from my previous relationship before I started seeing her. It has been a tough road for me. I can't really adapt to the gay scene and I haven't really tell anybody about my relationship with this woman. We see each other everyday, and we literally live together which scares me sometimes since I just got off of a big relationship. I wanted to start things slow with her, but she is very intense; and we spend most of our time together. She now wants me to move in with her; but I don't know if that is a good idea since I still have this panic attacks about being gay. She wants me to make a decision, and I don't seem to be making one. She also does not want our relationship to be hidden or be a secret anymore. Sometimes, I feel ready to move on and live in with her and tell the whole world that I love this woman so much; but then my thoughts bring me back to reality and I start questioning myself. I panic, I cry, then I just want to go back to my ex and just be normal and acceptable. I sometimes think that I might still love him. My ex and I were together for 8 years; I sometimes miss him too. I think about him too, but i think it's normal. I am so confused and indecisive. Tonight, I am staying by myself to make a "decision"..My question is How do I make a decision? How long does it take for people to accept they are gay? Does everybody goes through fears and rejections? how long am i going to feel like this? I feel like a hypocrite 'cause I never understood why people would stay on the closet now a days and I have become one of them.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (5 February 2013):
Dear OP,You've just been through a massive, massive change in your life, a divorce with your husband of eight years. It's normal that you need some time to find yourself and deal with missing him.So, in my opinion, this woman is asking too much too fast. After 4 months of dating, I wouldn't want to move in with anyone! This has nothing to do with my coming out, I'm a bisexual and ok with that. It's just.. isn't she being a little pushy?It makes me think of an old familiar lesbian joke (sorry, I don't want to be discriminating against anyone, but it just fits perfectly here..): What does a lesbian bring to a second date? A moving truck. I can understand that this new side of your sexuality is freaking you out. This is absolutely normal. It's a big change that you're going through and you will need some more time to find out if you're bi or lesbian, if you want to hang out in the "scene" or just with some straight friends like before. For some people it takes years until they feel comfortable. What helped me was to find friends with the same sexual orientation. You don't have to find them in the scene, though, if you don't like.My advice: TAKE YOUR TIME. Do things at your own pace. Maybe it's too early to make all those big decisions, redefine yourself and start something that intense. Just let it grow naturally. What do YOU want? Think about that and then tell your girlfriend. If she really loves you and is meant to be staying in your life, I am sure you can find a way to both be happy. If she can't deal with your needs, wishes and doubts, well then maybe this is not the right combination.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (5 February 2013):
 why do you have panic attacks about being gay? what exactly are you so afraid of? i can honestly say that since i came out over ten years ago, i've never once run into a significant problem with anyone giving me a hard time about it. nobody really cares at all. and even if they did, that's their loss and their issue, not yours. what another person thinks of you and your sexuality is their problem. i've had a friend or two along the way that didn't accept who i was, and i'll tell you this: those people were never really friends in the first place. because your real friends are the ones who simply want you to be happy no matter what, and will love you for being who ever you are. you should never be ashamed to be who you are. and you live in canada, a very liberal place. it's a society that's just about as open to same sex relationships as could possibly be for this day and age.i personally didn't really have much difficulty coming out. in fact, it felt like a breath of fresh air to finally be able to be honest about who i was. one of my first girlfriends, however, had tons of difficulty coming out. she dated me in secret for over three years. she never once told a single soul about us or her. not even her closest friends. and i'll tell you this. it tore me apart. and it wound up being what tore us apart in the end. and not only that, but it began to tear her relationships apart with her friends, too, because they could tell she was distancing herself from them. her hiding it made me feel as though she was ashamed of being with me. it hurt in a big way. she would always tell me it wasn't because she was ashamed of me, but that she was scared of the reactions she'd get. but i couldn't get past it in the end. it's what inevitably broke us up. and also when we fought or had issues, she had no one to confide in. it eventually got to where she got resentful of me having friends i could talk to and share my life with while she had no one. but that wasn't my fault. i finally left her because of all of this because you can't have a healthy relationship with someone who is in denial of who they are or who they love. and you shouldn't subject your gf to that pain, either. it hurts. trust me, i've been in your gf's shoes. i told myself i'd never again date someone who wouldn't come out of the closet. i do, however, realize that everybody is different when it comes to their comfort level of coming out. it's not always easy. some people have more difficulty with it than others. like i said, my ex wouldn't tell a soul for over three years, but the girl i'm currently seeing has never been with a woman before, and within two weeks of getting with me, she literally told everyone she knows, including her family. it makes me feel special because it makes me feel as though she wants the world to know she cares about me and she's with me. but everyone is different. keep in mind, though, that it may be your choice not to come out to anyone, but there may be repercussions in your relationship because of it. it's ultimately your choice to stay in the closet, but it's hers to decide if she's okay with staying with you because of it.as for your girlfriend, why on earth is she in such a hurry to have you two move in together? women do this crap all the time. there's a common joke made about lesbians: "what does a lesbian bring on the second date? a u-haul." it's unfortunately valid. i don't know why the lesbian community does this. i have never been one of those girls that rushes my relationships. two people have absolutely no business moving in together that soon. you simply don't know each other well enough yet. that doesn't mean your relationship has to end, though. it just means you two should enjoy taking your time getting to know one another and not rush through what SHOULD be the best part of your relationship. the best part is the beginning. the honeymoon phase. the part where you're getting to know each other and falling in love and learning about each other. why rush through that stage and hurry up into the living together stage? tell her you care and want to be with her, but it's too soon. that you think you two could be wonderful together, but it takes a while to build to that point. as for your feelings about your ex, if they're really strong and you're confused about who you want to be with, you really need to take some time away from everyone and just be single. there's no harm in that. but you can't have a healthy relationship with someone when you still have feelings for someone else. this is a lot to take in and you're dealing with a lot of change in your life right now. take a deep breath and just do one thing at a time. you'll figure it all out. good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): I would say, possibly you are not gay, but bi-sexual. Did you ever think about that? If you are, you should be able to do well with this woman with whom you are serious, so long as you ARE serious, and she is also. Think about it. You could probably relate with her well if you are bi-sexual, and possibly refrain from any physical relationship outside of your single relationship with this woman, especially if she becomes you wife.
Think about it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 February 2013):
Move somewhere with a welcoming attitude towards gay people and start over. You're getting too old to live a lie any more.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 I am going through this I am a women lover.Not really scared but my family is not with this decision. I dont want anybody hurt. I want to marry a women and live happily ever after. Men have hurt me used me abused me. It's a hard choice I would say try it dont be afraid or worried. I would this time around cause you only live once enjoy. I would cause you would be happy I know I would if somebody wanted to be with me atleast I would try. I have nothing else to lose at this point but true companionship that I find when being involved with women. I want to be out be proud be an example I would like to see for future generations that feel as we do apprehensive above same-sex relationships. Just do it like nike. Oh and I would not want to go back ever to a lonely one sided marriage to a selfish using man.
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