A
male
age
30-35,
*er_zyniker
writes:My name is Phillip and I am gay. This whole situation is going to get a little complex so bare with me. In November 2009 I told my friend Cory that I love him and since then he has avoided coming anywhere near me. I wasn't hurt because he was straight or that he could never love me. I was hurt because he ran from me because I loved him. In about April of 2010 I met a friend named Manny at a Church youth group. At the time he was junior in high school and I was a senior. I really like him and in June I ended up telling him that I do like him and that I was interested in him, but that if he wasn't gay that I understood and that I wouldn't pursue it because I was content with just being friends. He told me that he was straight, but he has been really cool about the whole thing. He was the one that helped me through losing Cory. There is very little about me that I haven't told him. Whenever either of us needs any advice we go to each other. During the whole situation with Cory, whenever I was feeling more depressed than usual he was the one I talked to about it. I fear that my parents and older brother will disown me when they find out that I'm gay and he is always there to listen when I need someone to talk to. In the process I would say that Manny has become my best friend.Another thing that he knows about me is that I have psychic/paranormal abilities. I can sense when ghosts are near. I have premonitions, foresight, and sometimes the ability to read minds. I have very little control over the ability to read minds and I don't really know how it works, so I've been testing some things out and one night during church I tested one out on him. When I did that it didn't work, but I felt this discomfort in my throat, which is where one of the 7 energy centers in the body is. It felt sort of like I was going to vomit, but I only got that feeling in my throat, not in my stomach. Later, realizing that I should ask him if it was alright for me to do that and I did. He said it was alright as long as I didn't probe into something that was too personal. When I actually do break into someone's mind I have no control over what I see and I told him that. He said that it was still okay for me to do that, but he wanted to tell me something first so that I don't stumble across it. He told me that he is interested in my little sister, who he also hangs out with at the youth group that we are in, but I now help to run it. He said that he was afraid to pursue her because he didn't want to hurt me. At the same time he's interested in someone else and is trying to work up the courage to ask them out. I just told him that if he wants to go out with my little sister that it is fine and that he doesn't have to worry about hurting me because if him going out with someone else is going to hurt me, it won't matter who it is, and his love life isn't about me. Besides, how could I take something like that away from two people that I care about deeply?Then this weekend when Manny, my little sister, and I were sitting in church together I tried to read his mind again and the results were the same as the time before. Then I remembered that I felt the same felling in my throat when I loved Cory and had the thought of him with someone else. I realized that I care about him more than I thought that I did. Now every time I think about Manny with someone else I feel like I'm getting stabbed in the stomach. I've tried so hard to prevent any feelings from forming for Manny that I don't have for any of my other friends, but I think deep down I want to love him and I don't know why because loving him in that way would just bring me more pain and make me even more jaded towards love than I already am. He's just such a sweet guy and a great and amazing person. We're both a little odd and find each other humorous. It's like this is the guy that I've been looking for, but I can never be with him. I wouldn't say that I love him, but I do care about him deeply and it's close to love. I know that if he were to start dating my little sister that I could never stop it because like I said, how could I take that away from both of them. Anytime he is near me I just want to hold him and sometimes even give him a kiss, but I never would because I could never force myself on anyone like that. We do give each other hugs, but it’s like any straight guy friends when they are saying goodbye or something like that. Right now, I'm just at a loss for where to go with any of this. I don't know if I should tell him how I feel about him. I know it would be pointless, but I'm not sure I can hold it in forever. I don't know how to prevent myself from falling in love with him, and I know that I'm close. It all just gets so old because anytime I start to feel better about my life something sucks me back into this mental state of despair. It seems like I've spent my whole life fighting the world from finding out what I am and now I have to fight myself and my emotions. I've been fighting for so long and I don't think there is much fight left in me because I've been fighting for more than ten years. I've been fighting my family and several friends from finding out that I'm gay. I've been fighting the corruption my psychic abilities can often cause. Now I have to fight to prevent myself from loving my best friend. How can I stop from loving him? How am I supposed to keep going on like I am now? I was so strong before I started telling friends that I am gay, but now that I no longer have to be a pillar of strength from myself it just seems like I've lost my strength and ambition that I had before I told Cory how I felt about him. How am I supposed to get that strength back because now I look around me and wonder what I am fighting for and the answer is that I have nothing to gain from giving into my struggles, and everything to lose. But why do I want to love Manny deep down and how can I stop from loving him? Should I even continue fighting feelings from forming for him? Should I even keep fighting to keep my family from knowing that I am gay? I just don't know what I should do anymore. I used to know exactly what I should do before I started to come out to my friends.
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male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (23 February 2011):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is that I already know that Manny is straight. If he was gay then he probably would have told me because he would know that he has someone to talk to that would understand his position and would keep his secret. He also changed his relationship status on facebook last night to "in a relationship". For me, I've began to feel weaker and less dependent since I started to come out to my friends. Before it seemed like I didn't need anyone to comfort me and I didn't anyone to talk to about my problem. Now it seems like I need someone to talk to all the time. Before it was as though I didn't need to depend on anyone and now that I do I just feel so weak. Before I just sort of flew under everyone's radar, and now a few people see me for what I am. I'm not ashamed of being gay. It was just a comfort to me knowing that no one else knew. In a way it's like love is my my greatest weakness because right now it's more of a curse than anything. It doesn't seem to matter what I try. I can't seem to get over my heartbreak and I can't seem to stop myself from beginning to love someone. Before I told Cory how I felt about him I was so in control of everything in my life and when I had no control over that situation it just seemed like I lost almost all the control I had in my life. Before I started to fall in love with other people I was clean cut, had great ambition, cared about what was going on in the world, I was sort of happy go lucky and optimistic. Now I don't seem to care about much, I'm bitter and pessimistic, and I really don't give a damn about what is happening in the world. It's like I took a complete 180. It's as though being in love is destroying the person that I used to be. How can I get back to who I was? I don't feel resentful towards Manny, but I feel a great amount of resentment towards most of my family and Cory.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): I felt very depressed before, but now that I'm starting to come out I feel more liberated...more happy than I was..the only thing I can tell you, is that you should tell Manny what you feel for him be honest, that way, you will either know if you have a chance with him or not (he may be scared to tell you)....so just be honest, if he isnt interested in you, is better you to find that out before you fall more in love with him , and that way you'll know for sure if you need to move on
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (23 February 2011):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs far as coming out, I am telling some relatives, but I'm waiting to tell my parents and brother last. My dad thinks that homosexuals are the scum of the earth, my mom doesn't have to spine to stand up to him if he disowns me, and my brother doesn't even think that gays qualify as people at all. I know it sounds horrible, but if I'm able to surround them with relatives that know and are okay with the fact that I am gay it will make them feel isolated and possibly lessen the chances that they will disown me. I'm just looking to gain some leverage or advantage because I am at a natural disadvantage in many ways so I have to get an advantage to compete or survive.
Second, I would never throw myself at Manny. I have to much respect for him and I have much more self control than that. I don't think things would turn out the same way as they did with Cory if I told him, but I didn't think Cory would respond that way either. I doubt that he is gay. I talked to him about the fact that I like him in July and he made it clear that he didn't have a problem with that, but that he was straight and never has had those feelings for another man. Right now I'm just trying to prevent myself from loving him and I don't know how to do that and I think that not being around him would just make it worse because I realized that I loved Cory after I hadn't seen him for 2 months. I just want to get back to the point where I don't have to talk to others about me issues all the time. In a way it was the fear that someone would find out and feeling isolated that drove me, gave me an ambition that very few could compete with, and gave me so much inner strength that has seemed to have disappeared. Before I started to come out I was happy go lucky and driven and now I'm often depressed and have very little ambition for anything. I want to get back to being the person that I was, but I don't know how. How am I supposed to become that person again? How can I prevent myself from loving Manny?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): you should 1st focus on coming out to your parents, maybe start with close relatives like cousins etc..then at the end tell your parents. I'm still in the process of coming out, but so far all the people, who Know I'm gay, have been very supportive, to me is better to do it that way, so you can have some one to talk to in case the coming out to your parents is not easy. anyways, then I would try to stay away from Manny, because, what you are doing is just creating false illusions (meaning you are hoping deep inside your heart that one day he will respond to your love, so you are hurting yourself more) be honest to him, tell him, "hey I need to stay away from you, because I'm falling in love with you" be honest..maybe he has the same feelings or maybe he is confused, but he may not want you to know he has feelings for you because he may be scare of people finding out. Is like when some one is in the closet, and is afraid of having too much of a relationship (friendship) with gay people because they are afraid that they will put them in the spot and people will find out. also, tried to get some gay friends, who knows, you may end up finding your true love...
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A
female
reader, The Girl with the Diver's Hair  +, writes (22 February 2011):
I would tell him how you feel before he asks out your sister it could help him to think that maybe he likes you too. But it may not. Either way if he is a true friend he will stand by you even though you have admitted that you sort of like him. However he may not want to know and you could lose a very good friend. All in all its up to you at the end of the day. You could be doing youreself a massive favour by telling him. Your admitting your feelings and I know it could turn out like it turned out with Cory but if you want this it's a chance you may have to take to stop yourself from throwing yourself at him in a kissing mood.
Good Luck. E xx
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