A
male
age
51-59,
*ay61169
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm a 46 year old gay male. I've developed a relationship with a 20 year old straight male (friends only) that lives across the street,that seems to be heading into a more than friends relationship. I've had a huge crush on him from the first time I saw him. He's the complete package and everything I've ever wanted in a partner. Younger, black hair, brown eyes, build, great personality, great attitude, the ability to make me smile when I'm having a bad day, and he makes me feel like I'm alive again. And he says I do the same for him, which makes me feel amazing. The butterflies in my stomach, and the pounding of me heart tell me that this could be more. In the past couple days his text messages to me have been dick pics, calling me "baby", telling me he loves me, telling me that he misses me, and saying he can't wait till I get home so we can hang out. I'm a bartender, and get home about 1:30 AM, and the minute I pull into the driveway, he's there to greet me, with a smile and a hug. And we talk, have a beer, and both deeply enjoy our time together. There has been no sex yet, but he's been hinting at it, and says that he "hasn't had sex with a guy yet." He dates girls, has sex with girls, and gets texts from girls al the time. Here's my issue... I'm in a gay relationship for a year and a half that has no meaning. We've never had any type of sex since meeting each other, he tells me every 5 minutes, literally, that he loves me, is extremely insecure, doesn't do anything around the house, and refuses to help out financially . He's also very jealous of "Andy" and doesn't think that Andy and I are doing anything. I'm ok with the "relationship" ending. Andy says I should get rid of him. Andy says ""Babe, I'll help you out with finances, and I love to clean."I'm bi-polar, and my interactions with Andy and my current partner, are like putting foil into a microwave. It's all static, and sparky. My heart tells me to end the current relationship and start an amazing new life with Andy. In the back of my head, I get this little reminder that Andy is straight, and wonder how a 20 year old kid tells a 46 year old man that he loves him, and even has the desire to be friends, or more with a guy that's older than his mother and father. Help? Advice? Anything please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2015): Most certainly should you remove a partner who would conceal his assets and allow you to struggle alone. Even worse, insult your family; and even deny you to have friends? I was correct that he himself has some issues; and they just may also be attributed to depression. Especially, if he isn't capable of making friends of his own. He is allowing you to exhaust your financial resources; while his are tucked away. Luckily you discovered the truth!
I have some financially well-heeled gay male friends in similar situations as your own. They have plenty of money and want to find love. They keep what I call house-boys. The pretend they are lovers. In their various past histories; they've either left wives or male-companions, and are now single. They often get attention from attractive young men; but you have to wonder if it's true attraction, or the Mercedes they saw you drive-up in.
I have to snap them back to reality when a cute young waiter winks at them in a restaurant; or a hot valet is all too friendly when delivering their fancy vehicle to the front of the restaurant or theater. We age, but we never lose the attraction to beauty and youth. We still have to maintain a positive and proper-perspective aging; as we age with grace.
I am glad you took my advice in good-humor and introspection. I by no means wished to insult you. I know how these young guys play with our feelings and emotions; especially when they see we are enamored with their masculinity and good-looks. Keep your friendship going; but also stay in the realm of reality where he's concerned. He says what you like to hear, just like he flirts with the ladies. Players know exactly what buttons to push!
I'm sorry to hear you had to make that drastic decision about your mate, and I can understand under the circumstances. It was a wise, although painful, decision.
I wish you the best my friend. Don't worry, love will find it's way to you again. Just be sure you recognize it through the eyes of wisdom and experience; and not clouded by your loneliness, and or in poor judgement. Life's far too short!
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (8 October 2015):
 You are brave to take this step, but you are quite right to do so. Take some time to find your next partner. There is some emotional healing to be done. Look after yourself - your body and your mind. Treat yourself to a few nice little things which will raise your spirits. And trust your friends. Don't keep it bottled up. You don't have to go it alone.
All will be well, and all will be well, and all that there is will be well.
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A
male
reader, jay61169 +, writes (7 October 2015):
jay61169 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear WiseoldowlE,
You are correct in your thought and opinion of the other side of the story. I'm the type of person that tries to incorporate the other persons situation as best I can. I don't want everyone to think that I don't believe he is to blame. Last evening I had a talk with my current partner, age 46, about what's happening in our relationship. I found his bank statement yesterday with a large balance in it, while our checking account is at next to nothing. I've decided to end the relationship.
Yes, he has seen me at my highest, and my lowest. I can't blame him for wanting a better life for himself. What I can blame him for is being extremely lazy, jealous of my friends, both gay and straight, and not wanting me to have friends because he says "I don't have any."
What person in today's day and age of social media, has no friends, has disowned his family, and tells me that my family members are crazy, and my friends are crazier?
I deeply appreciate your advice. It has hit home so to speak. I've a lot of searching to do within myself. Hopefully after 16 and a half years, I can find the person that I used to be, and once again enjoy getting awake and looking forward to better days ahead.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2015): Now how about an opinion from another mature gay man?
I think your relationship with Andy is more romanticized and
fantasy than it is reality. Andy, like so many young straight-men nowadays, is comfortable in his skin. He flatters you and coddles your suffering self-esteem.
"The aging old queen across the street who can't take his eyes off me!" This is not an insult directed at you; it's used in a metaphoric-sense to make a point.
Perhaps you're his first gay-male friend that he has gotten really close to. I also smell a little bit of "daddy-issues" wafting from this most aromatic kettle of brewing drama. Oh, it is definitely drama in the making. You're making one jealous of the other. That's so insensitive.
For Andy, this is a matter of curiosity, playing a risk, and enjoying the admiration, middle-aged gloating, and attention he provokes within and from you. It's a huge ego-boost.
I'm by no means questioning the young man's intentions; nor his character. I am questioning your judgement.
He likes girls, and he's toying with your emotions; because he knows it gives you a lift. When it comes down to brass tacks, that young man will back-out and run like a gazelle chased by a pride of starving lions. You are infatuated with a fantasy. It isn't going to happen! Your imagination and mental-condition maybe getting the better of you. There is no romantic-future between a straight-man and gay man, and you know better than this.
Yours is a friendly flirtation between a young man who truly likes you as a person; but has no real attraction for you. As I've said, he's toying with your emotions! You are far too gullible or naive for a 46 year-old man. Only because it's how you want things to be so badly.
Now you see the faults in your poor partner of over a year; who has stuck by you through thick and thin, and maybe now showing the wear and tear for it. The younger-model is always the more appealing; but your partner also lives with a man who at some point in your relationship has exposed him to your bipolar episodes and times you suffered from your mental-disorder. I'm not naive from a long shot! If he appealed to you from the start; perhaps he has discovered things were all fantasy and not reality-based. His insecurities may have some foundation.
He may even have some mental-health issues of his own; such as depression; if he can't bring himself to work and contribute to the household expenses and upkeep. There is something wrong with a grown-man who has become this way. One is left to wonder how he has deteriorated to such a state? There are two-sides to every story. He doesn't get to tell his side. So, he gets the benefit of the doubt.
There's little or no sex; so now he's close to rubbish,and a throwaway-person? Why have you kept him around?
While the grass is greener across the street, look back on what your partner has gone through, that has brought him to what/whom he is now. How did it last this long, if he's such a loser? You're far too mature to put-up with such nonsense. So there are a lot of unanswered questions here.
If he's a slacker and mooch, kick him out. What justifies keeping him around, lest you relent to your guilt from the past? How he was treated, and what he may have gone through by staying with you?
You have no obligation to support him; unless he was mislead to believe there would be one situation, and found himself in an entirely different situation. I notice you make no mention of "his" age. A calculated omission I would speculate. No doubt he had to live with you when you were sick at some point; and perhaps experienced behavior he has never before had to encounter. Just think back on that.
You see, I don't get easily swayed by one-sided stories. I leave room for the other party that doesn't get to tell their side, nor speak their truth.
Continue being friends with the kindly young man who likes to tease and appeal to your vanity. On the other hand, don't compare apples to oranges. The old boyfriend now deemed a useless moocher you're over and done with; and the fresh young flesh full of piss and vinegar across the street! This sort of situation isn't new to me. I'm gay, and I've witnessed it all so many times before. The amorous fixations of an older gay man, infatuated with a younger attractive straight man! Never once did the straight-guy cross-over; unless they were gay or bi-sexual to begin with. Or, he got seduced while heavily intoxicated.
Which doesn't count, because it amounts to date-rape!
What would that young man be like if he had to deal with your mental-illness; or some long-term downturn in your mental-health? You deserve happiness and love like anyone else. However; someone that young and inexperienced has no idea who and what he could be dealing with. You have so much of an advantage over him.
I can only guess that he is just being sweet. He doesn't feel threatened by you, and you are apparently a charming gentleman. Perhaps quite attractive in your own right, and your charms are probably quite captivating.
Don't create things in your imagination, based on what is no more than playful cock-teasing on his part. He likes being admired and desired by women. And now, the "gay admirer" across the street gives him the extra validation that even gay men find him hot and attractive.
He's young! It's expected of him. Better is expected of you at your age, my dear friend! Insist that your lazy partner get some help, or get a job. Put him out for whatever valid reasons you must, but don't get any notions he'll be replaced by that handsome hot-to-trot stud across the way.
It ain't in the stars, my friend!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 October 2015):
 I don't think Andy is straight. He's at least bi. A lot of straight guys I know have a bit of homophobia in them and there's no way one of them would say love you and wants to have sex with you. I think you should end it with your partner but not dive into anything real with Andy. You can't trust him to be committed if he's with girls at the same time. He can make you feel alive again and that's it. You could satisfy his curiosity and be his first but you have to protect your heart. Since you are bi polar you have to be really careful.
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reader, Denizen +, writes (6 October 2015):
I don't know anything about the gay scene, but you are being played. You are in an unsatisfying relationship, if you can call it that, and on the other side you are being teased by a coquette. Who knows if he will have sex with you but I would be surprised if it led to a lasting relationship?Put your older head back on and give yourself the same advice you would give your best friend in a similar situation. There are too many old and bitter gay men around who have had their heads turned. There are also quite a few happily married ones with compatible partners. The secret is in the word compatible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): Dump your partner, you're not good for each other, he's a jealous layabout and you're emotionally cheating and seem to despise him. But don't date the kid, be single for at least a while. "Andy" mainly interacts with women, you refer to him as straight, you may just be an ego boost. He's really young too, can he handle living and supporting someone with bipolar? Can you handle being the jealous one? He's appearing to woo you, but is also constantly texting women who he does have sex with. It doesn't bode well for a future.
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