A
female
age
30-35,
*aloma01
writes:Hello Guys, I need your advices, so hopefully you'll be able to help me out. I have been in a relationship for the past eight months. Up to last night, it has been, despite some difficult times, a relationship full of promises, dedication and love. From the beginning I have made my boundaries clear. I know what I want and I am not afraid of cutting people out of my life if they do not give me the respect that I deserve. I tend to associate love and respect very closely.My boyfriend knows that any form of disrespect will most likely result in a break up. Now, I am not talking about misunderstandings, little arguments or such things... I am talking about actions or words that touch my dignity, honor, intellectuality and well-being. So, last night I was clearly shocked when a simple discussion about some comic show lead to a more serious discussion. We had different stances and we still persisted in our respective view points. The reason of my concern is not the discussion per se but rather the fact that my boyfriend repeatedly tried to put me down ( example: " That doesn't make any sense", "You don't know what you're saying" , " You don't know how to explain ", condescending "wows" as if I was some idiot, laughing while I was tried to explain further...). I let him know that his behavior was frustrating me and hung up the phone. My pride and ego were bruised. I felt humiliated and couldn't believe that he disrespected me while I was perfectly respecting him. A few minutes later, he sent me a text apologizing and telling me that he did not mean to insult me, got carried away trying to win the argument, and that he respects my views and intellect. I told him that I could not allow to be disrespected, that I was turned off ( still am) and that I need some time off... he replied that I could take all the time I need because he was turned off by the idea of someone who "cant "allow disrespect" whatever that means". Right now, I am at crossroad: In a relationship I need the comfort to know that regardless of our differences, I will be still treated with high regards just as I will treat my partner. At this point I do not have this feeling anymore and it is a fundamental need for me. I feel betrayed. ... Or am I overreacting? Would you accept the apology and keep the relationship or would you move on ? As of now I am leaning towards option 2. Thanks guys!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Dissenting view here. I don't see what he said as disrespectful.. he just has poor skills in debating and resorted to strawman tactics to win.
However, if you are turned off by his style and what he said and did, then yeah I think it's not going to get better and you should leave.
your pride and ego are bruised because he wanted to win an argument on the phone and has no skills for that so he resorted to childish behavior. He either knew you would hang up or he has no other skills to use.
I'm not very good at arguments on the spot... give me time to think and research and I'm fine but debates where I have to think on my feet... not so good.
Now personally if it was me, I find folks ending conversations (i let him know.. and i hung up the phone) without my permission offensive and disrespectful... and I'm betting you did not mean disrespect to him but if it was me I would see it that way.
Perception is always colored by what we grew up with.
I do not perceive what he did as disrespectful to you. More it's an indication that he may not have good confrontational skills.
choosing to stay with him will depend on many things...
if everything else is great and he is willing to learn to "fight fair" then maybe it's salvageable.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): He is immature and doesn't have the intellect to debate without personally criticizing. It isn't that he is a bad person, he just hasn't learnt how to 'use his words' intelligently yet. He can learn, you can show him. Up to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): You are well rid of this guy I think. It is perfectly fine to have a difference of opinion in a relationship, so long as you both respect each other's opinions. The fact he was being so condescending would have totally put me off too and frustrated me beyond belief. I think you know deep down that you are right in feeling you don't want someone who doesn't respect what you have to say. Don't let him convince you otherwise - he is going on the attack because he is in the wrong.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2013):
 I think you are lucky you've found this out about him at this point in time. You don't have to waste any more time on a guy who tries to win an argument at all costs, including disrespecting you.
I'd be turned off, and would end the relationship if it were me in your shoes. You deserve better, and you know it. You will always know it and this knowledge would have eventually brought you to the "aha" moment you've just experienced.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): I would...move on.
I've was in abusive relationship for years and was disrespected. I was told all the things your boyfriend told you and much much worse.
His saying that he is turned off by the idea of someone who "can't allow disrespect" is just his way of turning the tables on you and getting back at what you said to him. Abusers love to do that--mind games.
Personally, for myself and my own sanity, I would rather live alone at this point in my life minus all the drama that another person brings into a relationship.
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