A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dreading my mother in law coming from out of state to visit. I've been with husband for six years now and I'm still having issues with his mother. She's never got the chance to know me and has been very judge mental from the start always throwing her smart comments here and there. Judging what I wear making it seem like I'm too high maintinence. Far from that. I'm very modest girl who dresses clean. She's like the movie monster in law. She'll appear nice and all then shes makes it seem like she's joking. When I got pregnant with our daughter she asked my husband who's it was and kept asking if we were sure I was expecting and kept calling to see what test results at clinic were. Our baby is now four and she's never really seen gifts or anything that a child would see from their grandparents. Doesn't really ask for her either when she speaks to my husband by phone. She has another daughter in law with two other grand babies who's she's really close to and buys them things. Ive prob seen his mother 2-3 times every year we've been together so I don't understand why she would be this way. She's almost always calls my husband when she just needs money or something. Mind you my husband is half. Sometimes I wonder if its a racial thing with her as her exhusband (my husbands father)who is my race and are divorced do to him having an affair. Her daughter in law is white I'm not. I've always just looked at her as one of them bitter mother in laws cause she's lonely and haven't remarried since. It's been years. I've tried to discuss about her to my husband to see if he sees what I see but he just says she just has to get to know me. I don't know if he's in denial and doesn't want to look at his mother that way or he really believes his mother is innocent. Some of her rude comments are pretty obvious tho. I'm tired of biting my tongue when she's around. How could I confront her or approach her with her rudeness and how could I make my husband see!!! I just want him to tell her he aint having it!!!)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2013):
 I was going to say "kill" her with kindness. Because it makes women like you MIL uncomfortable and less likely to attack you.
But I kind of like WiseOwlE answer.
Though personally, It's not my style. I would have made her stay in a hotel/motel and come "visit" not stay in my house.
Remember this too shall pass (and she WILL be going home!)
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 Smile .... start practicing, smile and then say "well, fancy that" whenever she tries to stick the boot in, you could alternate the phrase with the occasional "oh, how lovely" .... when she says something extra snide.
As wise owl has said, welcome her with kindness, ensure she has everything she needs to be comfortable, ie knows where the clean towels are and where the stuff is to make tea or coffee ..... give her a little hint about how the house runs along your routine, eg "we usually have dinner around 6 and baby goes to bed at 7 when hubby reads her a story".
And yes, if she is there to proffer her hand in friendship, that's great, but if she is there to make her usual type of mischief laugh in her face, and again, as wise owl says, anything particularly nasty repeat it back to her, and ask her what she means by it .....
You can do this, come back to this thread if you need a little top up of support.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): Me afraid of her is not the case here. I've shown her how brave I can be with her daughter or I should say my sister in law. His sister spits her childish comments at me as well. I've stood up to her in front of his mother. My husband doesn't defend his sister and agrees how she is when I talk to him about her but for some reason not his mother. I think he sees but does not want confrontation with his mother or is just in denial. She'll be moving to our city in a few months and I'm just trying to clear this or get it out of the way before I know she's here for good. I know once she's here it'll cause major problems with my relationship with my husband which is why I guess I'm concerned or afraid like u say. But of afraid of her not by any means! So frustrated with the whole thing if anything. I feel like a ticking time bomb about to go off in any min. I don't want to blow up as my mother taught me to fight but also be women bout things. I also don't want to make my husband feel as if he has to chose. It's just mind boggling cause she acts like she's sweet and nice saying poor her all the time with her pathetic pity party stories. My husband falls for it every single time! As far as our daughter tho she doesn't buy her anything or ask or talk about her when she's not around but the moment she and of course in front of my husband she acts like she's interested...somewhat just to show my husband she cares I guess. I'm diff not going to let this woman win but she's not going to have me lose my lady likeness to her childish high school ways!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): You dread your mother-in-law; because you're afraid of her. She intimidates you, because it's easy.Use her meanness totoughen you up. You are thinned-skinned around her, and you want her to like you. Afraid any act of defiance, will draw her wrath. Do you feel staying neutral or quiet, will make her eventually turn her feelings around; and you'll grow on her? You don't want to piss off your husband by fighting back?If he defends her, you better reconsider why you're still married to the bum. She comes with the package. Better make life easier for yourself. As long as you have him, you've got her too.When people are afraid of people, advice seldom gives them courage. They have to be pushed into a corner, to come out fighting. That's from the survival instinct in all of us.So here's some weapons once you're pushed into a corner.Don't provoke trouble. React to it.When your mother-in-law insults you to your face, and your husband is present in the room. Ask him why he would let her speak to you that way? Don't cower to either of them. Be blunt and to the point about it. Do that every stinking time she shows you her ass, like a red-butted baboon.Remind her she is in your home. You don't care if she likes you; but you will accept no less than her best behavior and respect, if she wishes to remain welcome. Always be polite and hospitable to her. Always chose the high-road. Stop her in her tracks when the barbs come across. She takes shots; because you don't shoot back.Remember, when your husband doesn't defend you; he's siding with her. So that's your permission to defend yourself. Act only in self-defense. Don't pick fights. Use grace, charm, dignity, and force to make your point.If you always retreat out of cowardace, she always wins. No words from this website can make you grow a pair. That is something you have to do on your own. We can give you our support and suggestions from our own experience. You are her target for whatever reason. She can rip off your head and poop down your neck; because you don't stand up to her. You hide and wait for someone else to fight your battles. Well, you'll earn her respect when you stand up for yourself. When you finally get the nerve to tell her what YOU don't like about HER. She's asking for it.When she arrives, be cordial and welcoming. Show her that you are not afraid. Allow her three strikes. Keep a mental scoreboard. Laugh her insults off. Exaggerate your chuckles to make her feel foolish. If she can't hit home; she'll either giveup in defeat, or up her game.Once you see she isn't backing off, repeat verbatum what she says, and laugh. Bullies hate when their victim can throwback their words, and take the sting out of them. It also forces them to smell the stink in their own nasty tone. Mock her nasty comments. They'll lose their sting when you find you can spit them out like cherry pits.Another good tactic with toxic people, is blatantly changing the subject. Cut them off and start a new conversation. Don't give them the least merit. She will tire of trying to up her last cheap shot; if she realizes she can't get under your skin. Go wash your face when the battleground gets too hot for you. Shed no tears.The problem is your anxiety before even confronting her.You tear "yourself" down; so... she just kicks you while you're already down. You give her too much power. You let ignoring your child and all that, render you as worthless and rejected. Then use it as fuel for fight.Don't stuggle for her love, gain her respect. Demand it.You may be the one taking care of her dyigng old carcass someday. Fate has it's ways. You may be the only face she remembers when dementia sets in. Have some pity for her. Your MIL is a frustrated hateful old lady. Her bitterness comes from pain and loneliness. She's too old and set in her ways to change. However; you are the first person in her life she can actually inflict pain upon, and see the results. She can knock your legs out from under you; because you're defenseless. Treat her like a frail and pathetic old woman. Be over-polite, and use the tactics suggested above only when appropriate. Show her who is the queen in your home.Show respect for her age. Even if she's only in her late 50's. The point is only to stop the insults. Not to crush her. You can't force her to love you or your child. You can end the deliberate mistreatment. It's only a matter of time before the child becomes aware of her lack of affection. So set the tone for the future. Take control of the present.If hubby doesn't step up to the plate, make life a little hell when the bitch is gone. Recall for him every last moment he failed to come to your defense; and rip him a new one. Suggest you will never welcome her in your home again; as long as she is a witch in your presence. Stand behind it. If it's okay with him his child is ignored and neglected by his own mother; then don't worry about him. Be the lioness and pretect your own cub and lair. The fact she is coming to you home may be an act of offering an olive branch. So you have to be open-minded and not build up a lot of anxiety in anticipation. Be on guard. Life with her will only be tough, as long as you give in to her.
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