A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help. I have always been the kind of person that would not cheat under any condition. I have had opportunity and have never done it. I am once again in a very bad situation, my marriage is not fulfilling at all, I am really still there for the kids and the fact that he pays the bills. I have met someone, it started out as a bunch of us from work having lunch together. It then turned into him meeting me in the cafeteria for breakfast, we never tried to hide it, others would join us. Last week he took me out to lunch, nothing happened. He is much older then I am, but is very caring and makes me feel good, something that has not happened in a very long time. He, I think jokingly, has told me he would marry me if I was single. He also told me I could stay home with the kids and he would take care of me. I really care for him, but do not want to end my marriage. I find myself fantisizing about him at night. My sex life at home really sucks and I find myself thinking that this guy could make it much more interesting. I have even thought of going away with this man for a couple of days. I know if I go down that path it would devastate my family. What do I do? Do I tell him I can't be friends, tell him it can't be more then friends?
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female
reader, crystal.being  +, writes (28 December 2009):
mmm...it sounds like this new man is clearly interested in you for romantic reasons (he said he's marry you if you weren't single). Sounds like he's trying to really sweep you off your feet. It's easy to have fantasies about such relationships especially if there are problems in your current relationship. As someone who has gone through something similar, please consider a few things. I'd say you need some space from him somehow, or at least move the friendship back to a more formal public setting (like lunch with other friends) then you have some protection from things getting overly intimate. I'd be very careful about what kinds of topics you talk about with him. Topics like hobbies and work are fine but discussing your marriage, home life and other more personal details creates too much intimacy between you too so that makes it harder to just stay friends. If it's clearly not possible to keep a firm boundary with him where you are clearly only friends then i'd say you need to end the friendship to preserve your marriage.You sound like a good moral person. I'm glad you want to stay faithful to your husband. Perhaps you can explore other ways to enjoy your marriage. Maybe it'd be better to really spend time now sorting out the marriage or just figuring your own self out, going to yoga, meditation, journalling and what-have-you and then deciding if you still want to be married or not. I'll say prayers for you :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much to each of you for your advice. I just wanted to update you. I spoke with the other man and he had asked what would I do if he kissed me. I told him it would make me very uncomfortable. He has since backed off, to the extent that it really seems I thought it was a friendship and he just saw an opportunity. I am really glad I posted, I was not looking for someone to tell me to cheat, I was looking for someone to listen while I talked this through. I can definitly see why some people cheat, but like I said I would not have been able to live with myself. I have been trying to make my marriage work, aand apparently there is still part of me that wants it or I would have walked.Again thanks for all the advice. It is nice to talk with people that are not in the middle of the situation. I did not have any friends I could discuss this type of issue with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): I would recommend a few books for you to read: "Divorce Busting", "Not Just Friends", and "After The Affair." I have just read them myself after discovering my husband just had an affair. Oh, how I wish we had both read them before! I think the first two especially will help you get your marriage back on track. Trust me, I was right were you were two years ago. I knew having an affair was wrong and I did everything to avoid having one. However, my husband went down that path. It's a diffcult path to recover from. Maybe if I had read the books, we wouldn't be here. I don't know. But I do know that it's not too late for you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): I agree with the previous poster, you are a challenge, someone fresh new and exiting, he will persue to the end of the earth, he smells blood, once he has got what he wanted then you are just another person, no challenge anymore.Keep your friendship intact coz when you cross over the boundries of friendship and relationship then everything changes, once you reveal your innerself he has the upper hand.cheating in any form is not nice and would you want to be cheated on. Spice things up make him your husband feel like you are a really hot sexy woman and then your husband will wake up to your needs and know that you need good sex, he will try all the harder for fear of losing you, and then you won't have the guilt and lies associated with cheating, read this site it is full of broken woman who had affairs then were left feeling used and abused by men who were out for a bit on the side. Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): Cheating has a bad reputation for a reason.
It's a TERRIBLE idea. The "other man" only seems to be superior to your current spouse because your partner knows that he's got a secure relationship with you. If you've got problems with the sex, talk to him about it and fix it.
The older man who claims to want to marry you would appear to try harder because he wants you and would do anything to have you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): Please do not go there, it always turns out to be pretty close to hell, read all the other stories of heart break, older men always know the right things to say they know how to work the emmotional hook right in, read stories like Mae5 "My paramour used me for sex" on September 18th and others an affair is one big lie and then turns into lots of lies and then ends in heartbreak and deceipt. Please think long and hard, look at your husband and ask does he deserve this and look at yourself and say do I want to live with this.Good Luck in sorting out a happy future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): I think that it's perfectly ok for you to be close friends with a member of the opposite sex. One of my best friends is a woman and my gf is fine with it. I spend time with my female friend and I have a very special connection with her that I don't have with anyone else. Yet at the same time I love my gf more than anything and me spending time with my friend doesn't effect that at all. I think that if your decision is to try and fix your marriage then you shouldn't end your friendship. If your husband loves you then he should support you being friends, so long as it doesn't turn into cheating.
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female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (17 February 2009):
 My answer is still to focus on working on things with your husband. Make that your goal rather than the decision about your colleague. You sound really vulnerable, so I think it would be best to keep it very casual with the colleague.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are all right. I will not cheat no matter what happens. I just want to know if staying friends with this man is stupid. I would never risk my marriage for a roll in the hay, but am I risking it by being friends? That is the real question, am I being unfaithful by having such a close friend of the opposite sex? I hear all the time about emotional affairs and I do not want to be one of those, but I also do not want to be unable to have friends of the opposite sex, which is really all the friends I have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): I believe that you should either try and fix your marriage or end it and be with this new guy. You should try to be happy because I feel that if you are as miserable as you claim then it probably isn't a secret to your kids (depending on how old they are).
I think that no matter what you do you shouldn't end your friendship (but keep it just friends unless you want to divorce your husband). This friendship sounds good for you and you deserve to be happy.
Whatever you do cheating is a bad idea. Regardless of how things are now you obviously love your husband (or you used to at least). It would hurt him and I personally feel that cheating is just a wrong thing to do.
I think that this situation is something where you should try and think about what makes everyone happy, but remember that it's important that when it comes to your relationships for you to be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): it would probly be best to not be friends! but at the very least you would have to tell him you can only be friends. cheating is not worth it! it hurts both ways! and what if it was the other way around would you want your husband to cheat on you? we'v both cheated and both regret it! once you do it you cant erase it! no matter how bad you want to.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 February 2009):
 Of course that is what you tell him, you CAN't be friends right now you've too much a stake.. Then you focus on what you need to do and what your husband needs to do to put that spark back into your marriage. Marriage is a two way street not just some guy paying the bills and taking care of you.
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female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (17 February 2009):
I think you know the answer. Having an affair with this man would seriously undermine your marriage and possibly hurt your children. I don't think that's what you want, from what you've written.
People do sometimes have affairs in response to unhappy marriages, but I'm sure you can figure out that that doesn't make their marriages any better.
Do the logical thing and commit yourself to working on your marriage. Talk seriously with your husband about what things aren't working and solicit his feelings too. Just think how much your children will benefit from such an honest and serious commitment!
And yes, let your colleague know you're not available for more than friendly conversations over breakfast or lunch. And to seal the deal and let him know you're serious, make sure there's always another coworker at your lunch dates.
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