A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I seem to have a problem. I have always followed and been under the influence of the notion: looking past the outside, for what's on the inside. But, here is the problem. I often find myself, checking out women constantly. All the time. Constantly. Sometimes I don't even mean to, it just happens. Other times I see a lady and look to see if she's attractive or not. Other times I mean to. This is very, very shallow I find. I want this to stop. I really do. I find it rather insulting to not only them, but also to myself. I find this unbecoming of myself. I'm afraid, that I will base who I date on physical attraction. I think I already do this. I don't like it. I honestly do not. Do we all look at people originally in terms of attraction? I would like to think not. In any case, I don't think this is normal. A little piece of history, I've been in one relationship about a year ago, which lasted about 1 year. Things didn't work out. Long story short, I found out she cheated on me. I do not seek any sympathy.To add to this, whenever I meet a woman I always think, "will her and I eventually date?" or "will I fall in love with her?". It's like I view every new woman I meet as the "newest prospect". I don't mean to sound mean. But it sums up my predicament. Again, I view this as abnormal. Perhaps being a virgin drives the constant checking women out, the constant checking a girl to see if she's attractive or not... I could not tell you. I fell rather embarrassed admitting these things. But oh well. Any ideas or comments that can perhaps help me with these two dilemmas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIdk. Sometimes I see a girl, and then I look just to see if she's attractive or not... Not to even talk to her. It doesn't feel right when I sit down and think about it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): Everything you are experiencing is natural. Im a female and even I check out other women. Women are nice to look at. A lot of them spend a lot of time and money just to look good because nearly all men check out women. I think its important to be physically attracted to the person you are interested in dating. Dont let that be the only reason though. Physical attraction is just the ice breaker usually in getting to know someone. It makes you WANT to talk to the person.The fact that you dont want it to be all you base your decision on who to date is great! That means that you wont. And dont feel too bad if you make that mistake a few times because sometimes it takes a lot of time to fully know someone and realize they arent for you. Thats why we date and dont just get married right away.And being single has led me to those thoughts to. When I saw a handsome man I would wonder if things would ever become more than just looking at him from across a room or the street. Its normal, you are normal so dont worry!Its also interesting to know that what men and women find physically attractive to each other has a bit to do with whether or not they would be good to mate with. This comes from way back in human history when people, to continue their existence of course, had to base potential partners largely as mates. We dont think about it that way consciously anymore these days but its still there. Women like strength, such as strong looking men, because it means they can protect the woman and their children. Breasts are someone important to men because they are how babies get food and survive. There are countless other things but you get the point.So yay for being normal! Dont stress over any of it, just be happy you are one of the guys who actually wants to be deeper than what the outside has to offer.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (4 January 2011):
Checking out women (and vice versa) is completely natural.
After all the first thing you come across is looks and like it or not most of us are shallow enough to make a judgement based on looks before bothering to find out if they have a personality - again it's a natural habit for many.
However it is good that you want to go beyond the looks and try to get to know the person first.
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