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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi. I'm an insecure 20 year old.I'm very confused. For one, guys always say beauty comes from within, looks don't care, real women are sexier and more attractive than fake ones, etc. I'm just talking about looks, not personality.But then, when we ask them to be honest, they say that yes, those glamour models (not fashion models) are hot, they are the ideal, they are what "red blooded men" find attractive, that they can't help if they find them attractive, that of course it's nice to look at them, that girls in porn are really hot, etc. Also, if this wasn't true, I don't think the models and porn actresses looked the way they do.So I'm confused. Who to believe? I am in a relationship, and what he's told me sums up in this:"Look, honey, you're very beautiful and I hate that you put yourself down. I think that you're very attractive, and I like your body. I love you, also. I don't love the girls on TV nor will I chase after them, but yes, they have better bodies, because it's their job. They're paid for that. And well, it's normal for guys to look, and if we get an erection, it's a normal reaction. I understand why it hurts your self esteem, but I love you, so don't worry, it means nothing."However, that makes it feel like loving me just gives him a license to look. Of course he's not always looking, but just to know he does, and that he admits it like that, so directly, well, it's hard. Because I don't have that urge to check out men, and I hate how male models and such look, they almost look womanly sometimes so hairless (plus I don't like muscles and even if I did their muscles are fake half the time anyway). And I don't have such a high sex drive. I don't know, I just don't get that impulse.I'm confused. If real women are better then why is the "ideal" totally unrealistic? and I'm not talking about publications directed at women (like fashion magazines), but porn and men's magazines. I hate my body :(
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erection, I love you, insecure, muscle, porn, self esteem, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): Just to reinforce what everyone else has said- he is with you because he finds you attractive, not because he couldn't settle with some blonde bombshell model. I'm a size 12, not a size 2 or 0, but I'm comfortable with my own body- I wouldn't get naked for my boyfriend for a while because I was that shy, I have a huge surgery scar on my side too which was a major blow to my self esteem for a long time. My honest opinion is that 'real' women are more attractive so long as they play to their strengths, everyone has some even if they don't think they do!
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (19 January 2009):
 Once again into the breech!
When I was a teenager I was attracted to tall thin girls with long blond hair. Regardless of my diminutive stature I did pretty well chasing them. Then something happened I fell hard for a short overweight girl with brown hair. She had large breasts which I had never, with one fleeting exception, been attracted to. to make a along story short. We are married and I still find her sexy. she is now over 40 even heavier and showing a bit of gray at the temples. I am attracted to her Because I love her. Not in love with her because I am attracted to her.
Allowing your Boyfriend to use porn is not a good answer. you think you are making a noble sacrifice but you are laying the traps that will destroy your relationship. If you want to make a noble sacrifice take off your shirt. It will be hard the first time. It will excite and arouse him. It will be easier the next time.
Good luck
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): Hey, thanks for the advice. But it's hard to grasp. What are the real things that guys think are sexy?
I mean, "they know they're out of their league". Great, so I'm in his league because I'm not hot as they are. If he met one of these girls and she gave them the time of day, then she'd leave me for her, if she was nice and all that? even if that scenario would never happen, it hurts to think that if it happened, yes he would leave me. That I'm in his league only because I'm just what's available. great.
I hate my body because I'm not thin, and on top of that I have small breasts, i don't have gorgeous hair, and I have cellulite. My greatest hung up, thiugh are my breasts, I hate them because they're so small and the thing guys seem to like the most about the models in these magazines re their huge breasts.
I'm never gonna get naked when we have sex. And I'll let him watch porn, if those girls are indeed more attractive.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 January 2009):
It is unrealistic in a relationship for a person to say 'I know this hurts you but I'm going to keep doing it'. Your guy is going to hve to doing it if you aer to have a healthy relationship.
Now your final statement you hate your body. Because you hate your body you refuse to believe that he likes it. Then you look for evidence that supports your belief. You should get some counciling about that. FA
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A
female
reader, PunkyPippi +, writes (19 January 2009):
 Hmmm... Okay, I think that the women in mens mags are pretty hot, and I agree with your boyfriend that most men do. Most men though know that those women are out of their league, and they will never date/kiss/have sex with any of them.
I think your boyfriend made a mistake when he was honest with you because as you said, you are insecure.
I don't like male models either, but there are a few actors that I find very attractive. I wouldn't leave my husband for them, but I admire how beautiful they are. I also feel that way about some females.
Don't hate your body. Love it for what it is. Admire the honest man you have because most of them wouldn't have told you the truth.
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