A
female
age
30-35,
*eeponsmiling
writes:Me and my boyfriend (ex boyfriend, i dont know what to call him) have been together for a year and two months, well we had. We were friends for four years before getting together. Through our relationship when it first began, it came out that he had messaged a mutual friend arranging to meet her in the middle of the night. The other incident was a photo of his hand up another girls skirt and various other incidents of tit for tat probably caused by me becoming very insecure. I then began reading a lot of messages. Bare this is in mind (I know it waas wrong but I had every right because he was up to no good.) There was a message years ago to a girl whom I knew of him knowing over the years who his best friend likes organising sex. This was before I was with him so I couldn't say anything about it. Until now.He made it so that we had set days of when we would see each other, day in day out. I'd work all week he never, he would wait until the weekend to see his friends and then make me feel guilty for asking him to be with me at the weekend from time to time, he would never mix me with his friends. Then came the reason were no longer together. He wanted to go for a "catch up" with said girl whom hed organised sex with, another girl and his best friend. Leaving me, his girlfriend who he doesnt do anything with or mix with his friends at home on her own knowing hed slept with said girl. He didnt know I knew this at the time so I just told him I wasn't comfortable with it. He got angry, he shut down and told me if he wanted to see her he would I was stopping him from having friends, and socializing. I've never actually said he couldn't do anything or controlled him I really haven't. He used my insecurities from what he had done (conveniently forgot about them) to justify what he was wanting to do. He shut down, wouldnt look at me, wouldnt speak or anything, so i got my things and left.I left it and apologised once again even though I had done nothing wrong, to save the arguement. But he began to tell me this was normal and this was my fault all over again, I got frustrated and told him I knew about the message to this girl and that he had slept with her. I gave in.I didn't say anything even though I knew id done nothing wrong and let him continue to tell me he needed space we needed space from all the arguing and bickering. (The day before he was telling me how much he loved me and how nothing would come between us) and then all of a sudden we'd been arguing too much and needed space.I couldn't cope with not knowing where I stood so I asked whether or not we were together. He finally after beating around the bush said it wasn't fair on me so we weren't. This broke me apart. I literally have gone from being completely in love and happy again to nothing. He didn't speak to me for three days hes acted like nothing is wrong at all. Leaving me crushed. His mother got in touch saying shes had a talk with him and he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but just to give him time. I decided to just move on. So I told him I couldn't cope anymore with feeling like this so it was easier to just let go.He's now came back with that he never once said he was finishing it, that he loves me to bits and still cares about me but he just thought time apart would give us time to think, this then developed into i just need some time to myself I just need space, then it turned into I just think for now we need to go our separate ways, to then just needing a few days apart, I'm completely confused as to where I actually stand now.What does this all mean? I don't want to lose him. I know hes done wrong in the past but that's up to the individual couple to work through so please don't tell me i'm stupid.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (12 April 2014):
You've essentially given your boyfriend a pass to do whatever he wants, so where you stand is where you'll likely be for awhile: on the side while he does what he wants with little or no regard to how it makes you feel.
Your boyfriend not bringing you around should be a big red flag, but it appears that you're going to have to learn this lesson the hard way (like many people).
I'm sure you don't live him as much as you think you do. Sometimes the fear of losing someone can be very powerful and that need you feel to keep them can easily be confused with love.
But ask yourself, what good is live without happiness, trust, fun,etc? Other than "love" what are you getting out of this relationship? All I see here is heartache.
Asbi said, you'll learn this lesson the hard way, when he leaves you broken hearted and with trust issues. What would make you stupid is not learning your lesson after that happens.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2014): He really sounds like a waste of time and you're expending way too much mental and emotional energy trying to figure out why a jerk is a jerk. If it looks like a duck.. as the saying goes.
He's a cheat and he wanted to hide it from you. Don't tolerate this, you're young, there are gadzillions of men out there, why focus on a loser?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 April 2014):
 You two weren't as "completely in love" as you want to think. He was cheating on you left and right and then making YOU think it was YOUR fault and there was something WRONG with you in not accepting it. HOW is that him loving you?
And you being (sorry) so desperate to make the relationship work, would pretend to be that "cool GF" that let her BF act like he was single when it suited HIM.
He kept you separate from his friends. Well, no wonder. He probably had more then ONE "FWB" out there that if he introduced you to the group of friends you would find out just what a man-whore he is. HE kept you ISOLATED from HIS life. YOU were the GF "experience" not the GF. Whenever he FELT like having a GF he would spend time with you. Otherwise you weren't important.
HIS mom - for crying out loud HIS MOM called and told you to "give him time"..... So SHE too (you as well) enabled this guys behavior and the mom both enabled and REINFORCED that it's OK to treat his GF this way. SERIOUSLY?
Call him and BREAK up. This will NEVER work out, because he doesn't SEE or BELIEVE he did anything wrong. And that will not change. No matter how much you THINK you love him, YOU CAN NOT change him. All you can do is let him continue to treat you like shit or you can decide that YOU deserve to be treated better and DUMP him.
And yes, a couple CAN work through things, but from what you write - the "working" is HIM doing whatever he wants, and you "forgiving" it, sucking it up and APOLOGIZING for things you didn't EVEN DO.
Getting back together with this guy without having PROPERLY resolved old issues will not make it work, sometimes even RESOLVING them won't make a relationship work.
I don't think you are being stupid, but I think you are selling yourself short staying with this guy.
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