A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Iam beginning to get very anxious about the future.My husband and I have been married for nearly 30 years are in our early 50s and have been happy apart from the usual niggles people in a long marriage have.For awhile now I have been getting really fed up with the way hubby has 3 or 4 cans of lager and falls asleep on the settee every night and doesnt come to bed until half three or 4 in the morning sometimes waking me up.Ive stopped complaining as all he says is he cant help it or he wont do it again (but does).I got him to go to the doctor to see if there was a medical reason but there is not.What worries me is when our teenage daughter leaves home in a few years I will be left here with him and this situation. We have a holiday home abroad and he even does it there. I have even threatened to get a plane home if he continues to do this as I feel it defeats the object of a holiday and is selfish.I dont really want the marriage to break up over this as we get on very well otherwise but the thought of going through middle and old age like this is unbearable. How can I stop this and lift the depression which I feel is descending upon me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): Without the offspring to destract you these niggles become a lot more irritating - but I think it does demonstrate that your husband has kind of 'given up' on life a bit and you both need to think about how you will make the most of your 'freedom'. Many people take up new hobbies and interests and others travel - some even doing a round the world trip akin to a gap year for grown ups (there is a website just for this kind of thing - look it up on google). It can be a make or break time for relationships whereby it is exposed whether these niggles are in fact a surface problem of much deeper issues whereby you and your partner have grown apart or changed and the children were the only common factor. Time may tell on that one but you should perhaps try and break the rut or routine first and try and start thinking dynamically. If after time you feel its not working then it may be time to consider where your relationship is going.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): Ok - so you're knocking on a bit. So am I - and none of us are getting any younger. This doesn't mean that you have to live the rest of your life in misery because the marriage has gone stale and he's being a complete slob.
Solution #1: Have a real good bust-up and tell him exactly what you think of his behaviour, and how it's most unacceptable - he might listen, you never know.
Solution #2: Separate beds. When your daughter has left there'll be a spare room.
Solution #3: I don't know your financial situation or if you currently have a job to go to, but you could leave him to slob out at home on his own for a few weeks while you go and take a holiday in your holiday home to relax. Perhaps take a friend with you and go and enjoy yourself. He might then realise all the things you do to keep the home ticking over, and my guess is he'd take rather more interest in you when you got back. There's always the risk that the place will be a tip with the sink full of empty baked bean cans and dirty plates though. In which case:
Solution #4: When your daughter has moved out - divorce. You're still young enough to start again on your own, and it sounds like there could be enough equity in your homes for them to be sold so that you could start up again without too many financial worries.
Phil
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 If this is the only sore spot in your marriage then I think you can find a solution that will be acceptable to both of you. Maybe he can cut down on the beer and maybe you can get him to go to bed instead of falling asleep on the couch. Surely some kind of compromise is possible. Maybe even sleeping in separate beds except when you are having some fun that is. If you guys can't work this out then try marriage counseling. Good luck Honey, my hubby and I are having a great time with the kids all grown and gone, I'm sure you will too.
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