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male
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anonymous
writes: I am a 25 year old male youth worker and have been doing it for over a year now. I work with young adults aged between 14-18. Since I started I got on really well with one of the female members of the group who is now aged 16. She used to be into self harm and comes from a household that doesnt show much emotion and feeling towards each other. I am the complete opposite and took this girl under my wing and we started chatting online nearly every night, about her problems and such like that, she sees me as the complete opposite of her family and confides in me, alot. Recently she has started showing some strong feelings towards me and i in turn have starting feeling strongly towards her. I feel it is wrong to have these feelings and if we start dating i will be thrown out of the group for breach of rules(my best mate is in charge of the group and he recuited me to help and can't go to my mates 4 help). Help, I dont know what to do, we have spent hours discussing the meaning of life, and the theory of the universe as she is very smart and we think on the same level and are very similar people. I feel like we are soul mates.As i said i am 25 but never had a real girlfriend so i feel that because of this i am attracted to her because she is attracted to me, she also goes to a all girls school so she doesn't meet many boys her own age and doesn't like any of the boys in the youth group.As i said i dont know how to deal with this, comments like you are a peodo and shouldn't be working with young people aren't that helpful as a peodo wouldn't ask for advise they would just go for it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2005): I really feel for you. Currently I am in such a position, though am 29 years old (she too is 16), and work in an all-girls school. Whilst the student in my situation has no "problems" as such, the feelings you describe hit very close to home. I too have battled this one out for months and, unfortunately have no real answer for you. However, maybe for you to know there are others out there in a similar situation may help you to feel as if it's not just happening to you. I admire the responsibility you show in trying to address this circumstance, and yes, a lot of people simply don't understand. I have also sought advice from people outside of work and I feel the fact you are squaring up to this is testament to a morally decent character. Is there anything inherently wrong with wanting a relationship with someone who just happens to be that much younger than you if you both just "click"? This is something I have often asked myself. Yours sounds like a special bond because of the traumas she's experienced, and through your counsel and guidance you have already played a very significant role in her life. If not anything else, hold onto that - you made a difference in her life and she trusted you. That is special indeed. If this situation has brought you together, well I don't see how it could not develop, it's just your current position makes this very hard. The response from 28/11 seems a good one; for you to resign (if economically viable) and see where it leads. You may have to wait a couple of years until she is adult, but in the meantime enjoy her company. For me, it is forbidden to have any relationship with a student whilst still in our care. This is extrememely frustrating as I can't even express my emotions to the very person who is making me feel this way. And, all the while I feel guilty when she is in my presence. I have never had a real girlfriend either and wonder if I am seeking something here because finally someone seems interested in me. I would like to think it's more than that though! I don't of course know all the details of your situation, though maybe I can just say that it needs to be weighed up as to what sort of issues could result if the girl is not really ready for a relationship as you would like. It is hard to accept what another respondent said in that a 16 year old is not on the same wavelength as a 25 or for me, a 29 yr old, no matter how intelligent they seem. Well this may be, but these days some girls are more mature than ever and when I think back to when I was that age there is a vast difference. This seems to make it all the more appealing and possible - ok she's 9 years my junior, but that doesn't matter because her mental age is not in correlation to her physical age. Sound like what you're thinking? The biggest thing in your case is to be sure that if this is pursued, you will not cause her any more grief if it doesn't work out, especially after having been a crutch for her all this time. This is where the position of trust thing really plays on our conscience, yeh? It is so hard and is so unfair that the first one we really fall for is in some ways like forbidden fruit. If you can stick it out a couple more years (easier said than done) before embarking on a relationship, maybe through a turn of events the way will seem clear for you. After all, who can predict what is around the corner? I never would have imagined myself in this situation a year ago, if ever. If you can remain in your position and keep working effectively, well at least you still see her and can learn more about her and continue to help. You may also have to be careful of parents/family too. However, if you think it is too much and there is risk of your friends finding out, well then maybe a change of job is needed. It's damn hard and I truly sympathise with you. We are only human - male humans, and this temptation is very hard to resist. We are not taught how to cope with these sorts of changes - there's no culture or job training dealing with this in existence anywhere. Out of our good- naturedness we are suffering one of the perils of our work. Perhaps out of all of this we can both take heed of the following:
"Loving somebody can be bad for us and good for us at the same time. It can teach us so much that cannot be learned in any other form."
What that lesson is may not be known to us for a time, but hopefully it will enrich us and make us better people.
All the best to you, mate - you are not alone!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2005): Hi. I understand how the girl must feel. I have been in a similar position myself. I am a sixteen year old girl who has suffered from depression and i used to self harm. At the beginning of the year i fell for a man 6 years older than me, and at the time i was fifteen. He was in a position of trust as you are, and fell for me also. We went on for a long time without anything happening but eventually we gave in to our emotions. It is possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Relationships built on something that is wrong plague the mind and weight you down. I can't say that the same thing will happen with you and this girl, but i can say that maybe if you feel strongly enough for her you could resign from your position and be with her. You cannot start the relationship and then deal with the consequences afterwards. You need to be prepared to give her everything. She is troubled and trusts you. Do you want to give her more worries? Also, she is still a child. A sixteen year old is not on the same wavelength as a 25 year old, no matter how intelligent. As you said, she also goes to an all girls school, so there is a real chance that you are the only person that she knows that is showing some kind of affection. I urge you to think a lot more about this matter and if you feel you cannot live without being with her, resign from your position and be prepared.Good luck. It won't be easy. 3
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2005): No you are not a paedophile but please remember this:This girl has confided a lot in you - you are therefore in a very powerful position regarding her emotions. Being her shoulder to cry on and a listening ear for the past few months has probably lead her to develop strong feelings for you. You are also a good 9 years older than her - this doesn't necessarily have to be a problem but please be careful with her feelings- she is young and inexperienced and could very easily get hurt. You are in a position of trust, you need to weigh up whether it would be healthy to get into a relationship with this emotionally needy girl.
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