A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help!!I am a gay guy age 29, trying to have a straight life and relationship. I love my wife more than anything. now i have two questions:1: Am i doing the right thing by trying to be straight?2: Are there ways I can spice up our sex life?
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male
reader, kena  +, writes (14 September 2011):
You can pretend for a while. You cannot pretend forever. Many post above are from the perspective of your wife. Yes, you will hurt your wife. But I want to add to that by saying you will also hurt yourself. Read some books or simply google online, gay men who tried to live a straight life and then came out later all regret what they did at first. Why? You wasted a part of your life and that's gone forever. No mention how hard you will hurt your wife, or even kids. It's easy to get married. But heterosexual marriage is just a start, not the ending. How will you educate your kids? The longer you are with your wife, the more bonding you two may have, and the more difficult for you to leave her and the whole family. You will be trapped in love, obligation and unsatisfied desire. This dilemma has been documented so many times. Alas, some people still wants to use his own life to try it, which is destined to fail...
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female
reader, justDA +, writes (12 August 2011):
NO! I am a woman who believes her husband is gay. I don't care, and have told him that I will stand by him. At first, he denied, denied, denied. He still does, however, finally once, he actually said that he might "consider" the idea that he may not even know yet himself. If he wanted to "pretend" to be straight and remain married to me, I would support him in any way that I possibly could. HONESTY, however, is the key. It kills me to wonder all the time... there just seems to be signs.. and I generally have VERY GOOD intuition - that *gut* thing going on, pretty accurately... so, this - 7 years being married... I'm sure of it, either that or he completely hates me and is using me and staying with me because of the $$$ he sees. He's gay. Just wish he could be honest. UGH...Tell your wife!!! She may surprise you, and already know.
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female
reader, AfricanQueen +, writes (13 March 2011):
I was married to my husband for 4 months when I started to realize my husband was what I thought was bi sexual and I figured out that I shouldn't be the one to say anything, If i am your wife you should be able to tell me everything. So I got him to confess he was bi, but he wont tell me the who thing. And now 6 months in the marriage I feel like my husband is gay. I love him with all of my heart but I don't think he is happy. He says he is but I think deep down he wants to be just with men. He flirts all the time with men and I see how he is so happy when he is talking to men. I want to just tell him that if you don't want me and you want a man then you need to tell me. But I am so in love with him that I know it is gonna kill me.
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male
reader, confident01 +, writes (30 June 2010):
I have learned the best answers come when we listen to ourselves speak. The first thing you mentioned is that you are a man that is gay and married to a woman that doesnt know you are gay. Therefore,wasnt given the chance to accept your homosexuality.The bottom line, what you are is deceptive. Look up the definition of love in the bible not the dictionary, and you will understand what is best. If you love her then let her go and continue live your life as the gay man you are(if you actually are gay).furthermore, if you were not ashamed of being gay you wouldnt have pursued a woman to begin with. Therefore,if truly loved her in spite of the fact she is a woman, you should have been honest with her and given her the choice on whether or not she wanted to date or be married to a gay man. People can be very selfish, and you are one of the many, work out you inner issues alone first before involving anyone else, or making a commitment that could hurt you and others.
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male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (26 December 2009):
 seriously speaking, I cannot feel these terminology, as straight, gay, bisexual etc. etc.
I feel these classification is unreal. Such classification is classification of 'relationships' without referring to any entity. To me relationship is not primary, is not fundamental. But, relationship itself depend upon something, means relationships are derivative. Most primary thing is Sex. And, all relationships are derivative. Sex is one, and undivided. If this is acceptable then many problem about honesty became simple.
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female
reader, completelydevestated +, writes (6 November 2009):
No, you are not doing the right thing by pretending to be straight. I found out my husband had been lying to me for 8 years about his sexuality. It is not ok...Based on all the literature I have read about this experience most woman are completely devastated after the coming out...Dealing with the anger and resentment and recovering from the betrayal will be extremely painful and emotionally draining. Your wife fell in love with a man she thought was straight...the biggest issue is the deceit...after all the time spent together she will feel like she was dealt a BAD HAND (and being lied to will prove her right). Tell her the truth...you are playing with people's emotions...And if there are kids involved, the kids will also be devastated. Emotional trauma is the hardest pain to heal, tell her before someone else does (which will be worse later down the road).
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A
male
reader, Jamesiemac +, writes (28 March 2009):
I am a gay guy. feel like im locked in a world attracted to men. I am a devoted catholic and would love to meet a woman who understands my situation,
Does anybody know anybody who has been in my situation?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Dear Mr anonymous, 27th October. Please repost your story, but do it in a box all of your own. Your problems are serious, and I am sure that many aunts and uncles will have ideas. But you need your own space, there are so many issues to deal with, it would not be appropriate to deal with your situation here. Please copy and paste your story and submit it as a new question so we can deal with it for you. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation and I think that with more space, you will get answers that might help you out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): hello everyone. ! i m here becouse i just google married man to a woman and being gay. trying to find out answers. i have a woman in my life who has been with me for around 17 years. we had good sex and i was in love to her at the begining of our relationship. but incopatibilities cames out and after 2 years being together we broke as many times you can imagine. I m a 43yo. at the begining of our relationship she was pregnant but she didnt want to have the baby, contrary to my desire. she took the easyway. she already had a baby from her first marriage (now 19yo) after the years she got pregnant again but at this time i didnt want to go further so we went again through the same way.
since i was child i knew i had same sex atraction but i tried very hard to keep in the "rigth way" then and during our relationship and times we broke i started to have same sex relationships. and 6 years ago i broke definitively with her ( not related to my sexual orientation) then i started my first serious gay relationship and i moved to other country with him. this relation was a fiasco becouse even if i m atracted to same sex i disagree with the gay life style. i tried so hard to meet real men, no fem, like maybe wronly i pictured. but it never happened. my wife always was after me, calling me and being so lovely and all those times we broke up i always comeback for the love or maybe for pity to her and her daugther wich i loved as mine.
1.5 years ago i decided to comeback and work out in our relationship. but this time i had doubts about my health and becouse i didnt want do something to hurt her in all ways i did a HIV test.. the result was POZ.
she decided to stay with me without any question. she has changed in certain ways, she s lovely but now we not only still have some discrepancies about life my also now my feelings about be with a man are deep.
before write this i was resignated to live my life just focusing to my job and eliminating my feelings.
I m a very positive attitude and being POZ for me is just an expression becouse i never think about it and it doesnt represent any limitation on my projects. ( i m a business man)
we do not have sex and she doesnt care, i dont understand why she is with me and why she loves me.. maybe after many ruptures i dont have the gots to tell her i m not interested.
we pass good times in terms of rutines but i feel like im died inside.
so now i dont have xpectations to meet a man ( becouse of my 6 fustrated years ) and i dont have the gots to tell her.
no expecting instructions about what to do with my life or what could be the right thing to do but tnks for your comments if they come out. (respectful)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): As long as you are happy and honest to your self, as long as your wife and kids are happy and accepts of who you are in the past, you are doing the right thing... i am in a relationship of a previous gay man and before we even become friends, we were enemies.. we dont like each other..but hey, what the heck! we're 3 years together and very much in love, he satisfy me well in any thing and i satisfy him well. we also work together as co-worker/colleague.and we are very happy.. and now we're engaged and soon ,planning to get married.At first, its hard, he doesn't had any relationships prevoiusly, like me. we're both first timers..so its an adventure for the both of us.. As long as you're being honest to your self,and your family esp. wife.. you are definitely doing a good thing.. changing is hard but as long as your family/ wife helping you, supporting you, you'll be fine.just trust yourself,pray hard and overcome all obstacles in life, you and your wife will be able to make it till 50-100 years of marriage...my fiancee is a roman catholic, like me., you know what he said to me, "I am a devoted christian/ catholic,and i had met you, do you think that i will be able to continue my life like before, being gay and having relationships to another gay or a man? to what? to pay for, give money,food and shelter,support financially to them? giving love which is temporary only? NO WAY, I am happy for what iam, iam very happy for what i fell and for what i had today, being with you.You accept me and iam honored and flattered, you loved and had given all for me and i appreciate it too much, God gave you to me, do you think i be able to leave you or give up on you? not a chance.. i want to marry you and be with you for the rest of my life with or without kids.All i know,(my name),God created 2 beings, man and a woman, to be together as one. And thats why destiny show me the way to change and the time is now.. this is the right time...And i love you very much( my name).. so much, thank you for coming into my life.." That is his propose to me 2 years ago...He still respects gay community, or other opinions.But you know what , at this point in time, I am the luckiest person/woman alive.. So, i hope this gives you a little inspiration..And to be honest , He is 8 years older than me... And still, very much in love.. ******
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): I am in love with a gay man also. I very much want to marry him and have children with him even if he simply makes a sperm donation and then continues to have sexual relationships with men outside the marriage. The strongest love is not about sex. You are lucky that you are able to have sex with her at all. Perhaps she would appreciate being included in a sexual experience involving you and another man. If she loves you, she will make efforts to improve your intimacy. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): i have to disagree with the people saying you are bi just because you have a wife. Thats crazy. You know if you are gay or not. I mean just because you are with a woman now does not mean that you are bi. There are many people that get into striaght relationships because they feel like thats what they are supposed to do not because they like both men and women. I think that you should sit down and talk to your wife. If she loves you she will not be mad she will understand and then you guys can figure out what to do from there. Good luck
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Hi, it's interesting to me that you identified as 'gay'; I assume your wife does not know this?
I think you need to take into consideration what kind of life you'll be able to provide her. If you are not truly sexually attracted to her, eventually she'll figure that out, and it may have devastating effects on her self-esteem, not to mention the intimacy that should exist between a husband and wife. If you've been lying to her about this, you are withholding a MAJOR part of your own self, and this just isn't fair to her.
Have you come to the realization that you're gay within the marriage, or did you know before you got married?
Either way, you owe your wife the truth about what you consider to be your sexual orientation. And frankly, I think that you are not being realistic about the fact that you are attracted to men, therefore sex with your wife, no matter how you spice it up, will never be with the gender you truly prefer.
Read some of the stories on this website, and then really consider if you are doing the right thing. I don't think you are if you haven't been honest with her.
http://www.voy.com/86426/
And please, please, please do NOT have sex 'on the down low', you are putting her health at risk if you are having sex outside the marriage.
Good luck.
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female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (31 July 2008):
 I think you are BI ... because if you love your woman and you make love to her with no problems, than you like female and male body.
I think you should definetely talk to your wife and tell her how you feel. I cant promisse you she will understand right the way, but if you guys are close and she understands and is a friend to you as well s wife .. than she will!
I am sure you can work it out.
I have afriend that has a BI husband. He told her 3 years after he married her ... she couldnt get over it for couple of months .. but than she said, she doesnt want him, to be unhappy and she told him, he can find a BOYfriend and maybe they can still be together, and he will have fun w this guy as well. And believe it or not. This couple has been like this for several years now, and it works out just fine. They had a little baby and his BF is an uncle to this little girl. ... I mean, it doesnt mean it will work for you too, but its an idea
Good luck
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female
reader, sexi  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Hi
If you love your wife who is the opposite sex, then why do you say that you are gay?!? you are probably bisexual. If you chose not to be with your wife anymore then you should tell her that you are bi and have decieded to go your seperate ways. If you decided that you want to be with her then you should just be honest and tell her your feeling and that you have decided to be faithful to her.
Regards,
Mail me if you wanna talk
Sexi
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): What a dilemma or is it!!If you are really gay and not bisexual you should do the right thing for both of you .... talk to your wife and then go your separate ways. She can find a guy that will share everything with her and not live a lie and you can find the man of your dreams.....Many married guys do 'dabble' but very often in middle to late years when perhaps the spark has gone out of their sex with their wife and find the tenderness of a nice guy is what is needed to replace that.Just think about what you want out of life and dont live a lie.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (31 July 2008):
I have no idea why you are pretending to be straight, but ask yourself if it is nicer to lie to her and avoid the short term hurt of a break up, OR will you hurt her more in the long run when she wants kids or you meet the man of your dreams and start cheating on her, and get really bitter and resentful in your 40's and she has no idea why and cries herself to sleep.
OK I can't tell the future but your actions are preventing BOTH of you from finding your soul mate.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 What is your reason for"trying to have a straight life"? Does your wife know? Hard to advise without understanding that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): In my opinion, you shouldn't be pretending to be someone you are not. If you are gay, then thats the way you are. If your wife finds out she will be seriously hurt. She thinks you are straight, so why did you marry her if you are supposed to love and never hurt? So no, you are not doing the right thing pretending to be straight. However I've heard of gay men who marry straight women, and these women know. It's not uncommon for gay men to have feelings about straight women. You should at least tell her you are gay, but you love her and nothing will change that.
I'm no sex expert or anything here, but you could try foreplay, different positions, toys etc. Talk to each other and find out what you both like and take it from there.
Hope I helped.
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