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female
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*hatchuwantfrome
writes: What should I do?I'm 20, have been with my boyfriend nearly 4 years, it is the only serious relationship I've ever been in. He is a great guy but lately I have felt really wistful about friends who are in new relationships and all of the 'first-time' jitters that happen and also feel attracted to some of my guy friends. I also feel like we didn't even have that much of a 'falling-in-love' phase as much as could have been---he really wanted to be in a relationship with me and I finally said yes just to try it out, and it stuck. We didn't go through so much of the falling-in-love stage as it seems like others do. Now it seems that lately we have been fighting all the time about stupid things and while he is a wonderful guy, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be with other guys or even what it would be like to be single for a while. But then I go back and forth and think that I have a great thing going, why leave it when I am content most of the time? I know if I were with somebody new, eventually that relationship would cool off to the stage I am at now with my current boyfriend. I just feel curious about what it might be like to just sort of play the field for a while but i'm not 100% sure if that's what I really want to do, or how to even go about bringing this up with him.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (20 July 2006):
 You're showing a lot of wisdom and maturity in the way that you realise that other relationships will also plateau, as this one has, so you deserve congratulations for that.
This is the situation that I mention often to young women at 15 or 16 who want to settle down for all time with their boyfriends at that age and want to think they'll always be in heavenly bliss. Sometimes though, you end up wondering if it's that great. You can be with a lovely guy, and still be vaguely unsatisfied because you feel like you missed out on things in your youth.
Furthermore, a person always wonders at the back of their mind whether the relationship is actually very good, since they have nothing to compare it to.
The final straw can be that you reach your early 20s and find that you've grown in different directions from each other, with your interests and outlook.
Any of things -- or all of them -- can contribute to the situation you find yourself in.
So what to do? Well, as Wild Thaing suggests, you need to get your boyfriend in on this. He might feel the same way, and in fact, it's quite likely if he's around your age.
Try to start a discussion where you find out what his feelings are about the way you met and how things are now, and what he sees in the future. Is he expecting things to go along pretty much as they are now? Or is he also a little restless?
There are three main options for you.
The first is to do nothing. Have a long look at all the good qualities of your boyfriend, and try not to think about the "what ifs" in your life. Not many people do this nowadays, but in our grandmas' time, it was pretty much the only way to cope. You got yourself a man, and you stood by him. For life!
Another option, if you're both willing, is to try to inject some more excitement into your relationship, by making time to "date" each other again, with proper dressing up, special romantic destinations, and wild panda-love in far-flung motels etc. (This works for a lot of people, but some others might think it's too artificial.)
The third choice is to try some time apart. Date other people and find out if your relationship is really as stale as you think. I know one couple who did this for 12 months, and at the end of that time, they realised that they appreciated each other more than ever. (They've been married for 27 years so far.)
Finally, "first date jitters" aren't something to envy your friends for! There's a lot of stress, disappointment and general unhappiness associated with dating, so try to be realistic about it. Your friends probably envy you for having a settled relationship.
Talk to your boyfriend soon, and get a feel for what he's thinking, whether he's ready to explore a little. It might seem a bit frightening to contemplate a break, but there's not a thing wrong with trying other options. And since you're not married, you can do whatever suits you both.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (20 July 2006):
 Honey, you are at the stage in your life where you are still growing (literally), maturing, and experiencing new thoughts and emotions. There is a whole world out there that you still don't know about.
If you are questioning the suitability of your current relationship, and you are not married, then you should let your boyfriend in on your feelings. If you and your boyfriend share what I call a kindred spirit relationship, the romantic part is a wonderful bonus, and the relationship will survive this discussion.
To put it another way, if you decide to take a break from the romantic relationship, and if both of you have a really strong connection, there is a chance that you will still choose to be with him in the end. But it sounds like you want to have new experiences, and that is ok and probably healthy for you.
Good luck and take care.
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