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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi Everyone. I hope I do not sound rude, or ungrateful in saying this, but how do I tell my mother to get a life?I'm 22yrs of age, still living at home, and I would like to remain at home, and my folks wont allow me to leave without world war three breaking out in our home. When I mention moving out, I get the cold shoulder and to make the peace I say that I was only kidding. I have good friends and I'm invited on a regular basis to join them for parties, dinner or drinks. I get in trouble for going! Last night I went out to a dinner and dance, I had such an amazing time, and I arrived home at +-1am, I could have arrived earlier but I am very cautious when driving at night, so I am not a speeding ferrari driver. They wre in bed already when I arrived home. The next morning I felt a little tired, but I was happy, I really enjoyed being with my friends, and I can't wait till we hook up again. During the day I called my mum, and during our conversation I told her what a great time I had, and that the food was great, I always tell her these things so that she doesn't think that I'm hiding anything. She said that I arrived late and that she was worried about me. Fair enough, but they should give me the benefit of a doubt that I am responsible, and my folks know that I am. She says that it's dangerous, and that there are dangerous people at those times, hence my reason for being very cautious. They do not understand that in this day and age that danger lurks everywhere, regardless of the time and place, race, or gender. One can never say or guarantee that we'll be here tomorrow!Time waits for no one. I'm young but I am a responsible adult, compared to many young adults out there, my parents should give more credit for the way I turned out. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest and I want to live for the moment, and enjoy it, but they do not understand. They believe that everybody out there has a motive for everything, they think that people don't choose friend based on real relationships and feelings, they believe that some people are in it for something else, yes there are people that do that, but im old enough to know who I can and can not trust. I cant go thru life suspecting everyone that gets to know me, that there is a motive.How do I tell my mom to give me more freedom? The last time that I went out was in May 2005. Some people go every night, but that's taking it to the extreme. If I'm invited outside of the area, they tell me that I must stick only to my area and to not go further because its dangerous, I'm 22, and I have a problem to go out to other places, other than the places in my area and that's not fair, everybody can go out and I get their speech. I know that things are not safe, but that's why I'm cautious, but I'm not going to live my life chained down at home. I've tried talking to them but my mother ends up in tears and making me feel guilty for wanting to live.How do I tell them to let me go, without moving out of the family home and preventing a family fight?Please help me.Kind RegardChained down 22yr old
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): You are complaining about your parents if you have a problem with their rules you need to leave. As a matter of fact you need to leave anyway you are too old to be living with them you cant be independent living with your parents. who cares if your parents don't want you to move out. ewww don't be one of those 30 year olds still with parents
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2005): Hun, most kids leave home at 18 years old to go to college.
You've hung in there for 4 years! As much as you love you parents..their hold on you is too stifling and leaving home may make them finally realize you deserve to be respected for the lovely young adult person you truely are. Take the chance and go. Adult children leave home in order to stand on their own and to become a distinct and separate person with our own feelings and ideas. We leave home so that we can go home again.
Leaving home is natural-it's the day, most parents go "yippee!" (I know I did) It's a way of describing a process that takes a long time. It's another kind of birth. It is a severing of the emotional umbilical cord that sometimes keeps us very close to our parents. It usually means moving out from under the physical roof provided by our parents. Most of all, it is a lifelong process of coming to be a separate person able to give and receive love. Leaving home means a readiness, willingness and ability to make one's own decisions, to make one's own way in the world without emotional dependence on the home one has come from. Growing up has been a continual lesson in self-survival& you need the opportunity to 'survive' on your own.
Some parents make leaving seem like betrayal or an act of disloyalty. Some parents feel that it is all right to grow up and leave home as long as you don't get too big or go too far. Other families understand that loving always means letting go. Other families are able to bless their children so that they are free to take the high adventure in the confidence that there is always a way back home.
Your parents are using guilt as an emotional lever to manipulate you and control your life, because they simply cannot let go.
Ask your parents about their own leaving home. Discuss this with them. Get their input to how they felt when they left their parent's home. Acknowledge that your family will get along without you. Be patient with yourself; leaving home does not happen overnight. From time to time, it is useful to realize that your parents are probably as confused about your life as you are. Expect the journey from home to be an adventure filled with sadness for them and excitement for you.
But, you do need to simply...move out. Your parents will be upset; you likely can't avoid their anger and guilt, but it has to be done. Start making plans. Find a place to live and let them know you are moving out on a specific date You will have to be steadfast and strong-you will have to ignore your parent's protestations. In time, they will accept it..it's just going to take time. And remember "loving our kids does truely mean letting go eventually" Take care
Hugs
Irish
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (29 August 2005):
 Your parents are concerned about your welfare because of the world that we live in but thankfully, as you say, not everyone is evil out there. Saying that, they don't want anything bad to happen to you because they love you and as a result, are being rather over protective.
Why are you still living at home? I think you do need to consider the possibility of living on your own as you are obviously old enough to do so. Yes, it may cause an argument to begin with but eventually they will come round. If you want freedom and independence, this may be the only way, I'm afraid.
Try talking with your mother again and suggest that you want more freedom without her being really worried, so what can you do together to alleviate her concerns. Explain again how you need to live a life but that you will keep in contact with her so she knows not to worry.
You need to be able to oblige by your parents rules but they must also make allownaces for you to live a normal life.
Try talking again but if this still fails to achieve what you want, you may have to consider leaving home as that may be the only solution for you.
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A
female
reader, ShouldImove +, writes (29 August 2005):
All you can do is try talking to them and if that still doesn't work then I would move out. Remember you can't stay there forever. You are 22 years of age and I believe that you should move out anyway. You need to experience the responsibilities that come with being independent and looking after yourself. It is pretty natural for your parents to be upset if you want to move. But I'm sure deep down they know that it will happen sooner or later and they can't control it. You need to be strong. When I told my parents I was moving out my mum cried for two days and my dad ignored me for two days. I wasn't going to back down (but it was really hard for me and at times I wanted to say nah I won't move just to make things right). Anyway, after a couple of days they realised that I wasn't going to change my mind and we finally had a civil talk about it and things came right. You can't live your life for your parents. It would have been wrong of me to then turn around and say nah I won't move out. My advice is get out and experience your own life. Your parents will get over it!
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (29 August 2005):
 Hi Chained, I see both side of the coin here. And I empathize with you alot. Your parents like all parents in the world are greatly concerned for their little girl and yes you can be 50 with 6 kids, a dog and a husband..you will still be their little girl. I understand their concern. On the other hand, I see where you are coming from with the chained feeling. The best I can tell you is to assert your freedom. Reassure your folks that you are responsible...sell yourself so to speak...make them understand that you are feeling chained and it is driving you crazy. You are really too old for this kind of stuff I think. Don't be disrespectful though...just assert yourself hun. One thing though...if you know you are going to be late coming home...call or like when you are leaving the party...call that way they won't be too worried.
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