A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A friend of mine (former classmate) sent me an invitation for the opening of her exhibition. I was happy for her and at the same time felt so small. Ever since we graduated (I’m much older than her) I haven’t done anything worth mentioning, merely surviving, working two jobs and teaching on weekends. I’m in a rut.I wish I had the guts to quit at least one job and take a chance at doing something I actually like. I haven’t properly painted in over a year. I’ m lying. TWO years. I just feel so empty.My husband is supportive, but only in words. Sometimes it is encouraging, when he praises my work. And sometimes is more like nagging, when I finally get a moment for myself and grab a book (when I should be painting!)I’ve been seeing a shrink for a couple of years now and I feel that our sessions are more like a vent for letting just enough steam so that I wouldn’t explode (and continue perpetuating the same circle).I do not take myself seriously (even though I had some excellent feedback). I don’t paint nowhere nearly enough because I’m scared to face the fact that I may not be good enough.My problem is that I would have to quit at least one job and for me that’s an enormous risk. I am not comfortable being dependant on my husband. And I know that he wouldn’t be comfortable either as the source of his feeling of security is money, something we never have enough of. Even though I do not value money in that sense, I know how unpredictable life is and I need to know that I can fend for myself. Hence the fear. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling obliged to paint whenever I have a spare moment. I wish I was braver.Needless to say I wished all the best to my friend and found an excuse not to go. I felt not only small as in I didn’t do anything, but as in I-have-nothing-to-offer small.I’ll be 40 in two years. It’ll pass in a blink of an eye… and I feel I have nothing to show for it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2015): I have hit the perfect remedy for you to get back into painting...First you buy some canvas.....Second you buy some acrylics cos they dry quickly...Thirdly you go home and prime the canvas ..remembering that they dry quickly so you can get itdone inabout ten minutes max...Then you prime two times just for luck and then you congratulate yourself for your wonderful effort.The next time you pick up the paint brush you do a soft outline of whatever you see in your head and finally on day three you start to give it some body and shape and formand you tell yourself " There are people out there who put paint on canvas just because they like a colour like red and they dont give a damn if no one else likes it because art is..art.There is no proper judge of art but its so nice to see how it comes out!"And i will be amazed if your fingers dont start dancing over canvas.Just spare a thought for the clumsy artists who dont know anything but dont see why they cant have a go too...And they will paint too if they want to ..because they really believe that there are no rules in art and they are part of the sowhatist movement....The "inyoureye"movement is also gaining strength i hear!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2015): Thank you all so much.
I'm going to print your replies and have them with me at all times, for starters. They are inspiring. And a lot to process.
I hope I'll be able to find that spark I used to have in my heart.
Bless you all!
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 November 2015):
 What, in your mind, would be you "showing for it"? I don't ask you this question rhetorically. I'm genuinely asking you. In your mind, where would you be that would define you as being where you want to be? Because approaching your age, sometimes "showing for it" is an illusion.
You have health. You have a husband who loves you. You have the ability to paint. You have the ability to work. Painting should be a joy, not an obligation. You don't have to be doing anything you don't want to do.
I know how you feel. I'm a musician, and it's easy to look back and second guess the choices, and whether I'd made different ones that would put me in a happier state.
You do realize that what you're going through is the very definition os "mid-life crisis", right? If you want to change the course of your life, you do it one step at a time, and you don't make excuses of how other people will feel about your choice to read a book or quit a job (provided you don't get your house foreclosed on or something). Talents and creativity can go dormant for a spell, so don't be upset about the two years you haven't painted. It's not a "use it or lose it" thing. You're an artist for life.
My homework to you is - decide what is good in your life, and decide what thinking patterns of yours are actually dead weight that's putting you in the rut. Don't make the mistake of not having things in your life that you can be content with. And don't make the mistake that your frustration is a bad thing. Just know the difference before you jettison every accomplishment you're blind to right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2015): I like your subject matter. So this is going to be a lecture. Not just for you, but others who share your feelings. I too understand those feelings, having been where you are. I'm older and wiser than I used to be. Now I see, and share what I've learned. I've been blessed. So I give back.
If going to see a therapist has only brought you this far in two years, perhaps you're wasting your time and money. Considering, dealing with personal issues and coping is all a self-motivated process; and all they can do is make you open up and talk about yourself, and face what you fear.
Or, offer you a pill to dull your senses and keep you from hurting yourself and others.
In our present world, people carry around a lot of pessimism and self-hatred. I wonder where that comes from? Always competing and comparing ourselves to the next guy. Always assuming someone else is doing much better than we are; when we really don't have access to the most private moments of their lives. We just presume they are doing better. Not taking into account, all things look better on the surface. You have to know what's going on behind the curtain; because we all only let the world see what we want them to see. We all want to make the best impressions. We all flaunt our best features, talents, and attributes. There are still faults and flaws in every single one of us.
We hide them deep behind a facade. Often a smile, pretty clothes, or we toss money around to show how successful we are. There's still skeletons in the closet!
The fact is, you work on the faults you can fix; and deal with those you can't. Being human, we're imperfect. We perceive a lot of fictitious crap, and accept it as reality.
Our minds are bent and twisted by fads, money, the media, the hangups of society, and myth. We avoid truth and reality, because it's hard to face. Then when you finally do, you're older; and life starts to make sense. You appreciate life more, because there's less of it left!
Refusing to go see your friend's exhibition only proved one thing. You're not really a friend, and you're not a supportive person who wishes others well. Would it make you feel better that a friend was doing worse? Your attendance would have meant much to her. More than just seeing how good she is. Knowing you wished her well would give her all the more inspiration. Your opinion and appreciation has value. That's what friends are for. I want you to stop and give that some thought.
You cannot allow yourself to be consumed by unfair self-criticism and over-analysis of your life. You are who you are, your talents are certainly yours to share; only if you want to. You can't always measure success in dollars and cents. Down-playing your husband's support is another thing. Why bother, if you don't value his opinions or you give him no credit for caring? It would be hurtful knowing someone I love felt that way about me. That my support is fake and has no substance.
You're in your own little world of self-pity and self-loathing; and like the rest of us, you've got a lot going for you. Unfortunately, you spend a lot of time looking at everything sideways. Never appreciating life. You are also very lazy and complacent. Why do you beat yourself up, instead of picking yourself up?
Everyone isn't cutout for super-stardom; but we all have our range of talent and success. You don't know how good you are until you display what you can do to others. Than you have to sit back and allow them to appreciate what you have to offer the world. Their opinion guides and shapes you. It improves you, or it can discourage you. You can paint, but you hate yourself too much to allow yourself to express your talent, just because you feel like it. You need inspiration from what's around you. You need to free yourself from over-thinking, and you need to appreciate your husband, your friend(s), and most of all...yourself!
Unleash your talents, good or bad. Don't quit your extra job, squeeze your artistic expression in-between. Use your pessimism as a source of inspiration to express your feelings in your art. Paint the way you feel. Look at it, and add something every-time the mood hits you.
If you read about the greatest artists in history, they all had issues. I mean big-time! You're all bottled up, and you're afraid you might be good. Not that you're not good enough. So you keep it hidden; so no one gets to critique your work. You're afraid that even though you might be good, "everyone" will not like it. That would send you hiding again. Suppressing all your potential. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You may not make the top ranks as an artist. However; your purpose will come through when you allow yourself free expression without worries. Stop beating yourself up for being you.
You're unhappy because you're never happy for anyone else. You've spent a great deal of your life hiding; because you perceive everyone else aware of all your faults and weaknesses. News flash! Everyone else is too busy dealing with our own faults and insecurities to be that concerned about yours. So, you may as well look around you and find something good in your life. Pretend you're happy to see what it feels like. It just might feel good for a change.
Start a painting in secret. Work on it a little at a time. I guarantee, all of a sudden it will start to come out. You won't care if it's good or not. You'll do it because your talent needs to escape. It's all trapped in your head behind garbage, meanness, and dissatisfaction. "Step outside your comfort-zone," as the say!
Just make up your mind you want to be free. Even if your artwork is mediocre. It's still yours. It's still your expression. As for the jobs? It pays the bills. So as long as you're productive, you're committed and giving something back. You have to appreciate life. It's a gift, and it's too short. People waste it hiding behind fancy psychological names for nothing more than self-hatred, jealousy, and an over-developed sense of entitlement. The world owes us nothing, and we owe ourselves everything. We owe society some contribution, regardless of the size.
Reach for some joy. Pick a subject, and put it on canvass.
Leave it alone. Then go back to it. Go to work, and see each day you can open your eyes to get up and go, as an accomplishment in itself. Take your husband's compliments and encouragement for what it is. Compliments and encouragement. Answer the questions your therapists asks you, and stop avoiding the truth about yourself. Just using expensive sessions to hold him or her hostage to your venting and emotional outbursts. Your treatment isn't working; because you closeout everything that benefits you, then sit around blaming the world for making you feel small.
I get tough on OP's sometimes, but that is only because I'm human too; and I've done the same stuff to myself. When I look back, I realize it was all a waste of my life and time. I realize I have wonderful friends, a great job, my family is the best in the world, and that keeps me happy. It may not be as good as the next guy's, but it's all mine; and I'm going to live-out what life I have left enjoying every minute of it. I can tell you stories of bad times, but I put all the sh*t behind me. Life moves forward, and I'm going with it. Be happy for even the tiniest morsel of joy. The sweet smell of a flower, a smile on your husband's face, having peace and quiet, or something that makes you laugh.
God put us all here for a purpose. Life has a purpose. Our contributions may be big, and some may be small; but together they are tremendous as a collective. Yes, we all look back on our lives in retrospect, and feel we could have accomplished more. Give yourself credit for survival.
You have a lot more going for you than you realize; but if you compare your life to others, you'll never appreciate all the real blessings and talents you do have.
Read this to your therapist. Let the therapist pick it apart for you. It might be good subject matter at a session.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2015): aww..thats too hard on yourself and not really the correct way to see yourself at all.You should only ever paint because you want to paint !Not because you feel you have too.Besides there is nothing quite like the feeling that you have too and your entire financial cicumstances depend on it, to make you not want to paint at all.In effect you are saying that you dont want to be a paint prostitute!By that i mean that a loveless task of turning out things that are suppossed to appeal to others might drive you bananas.What about Tracey Emin the great British artist worth millions.Im'sure that she wouldnt paint if she didnt want to.After all wasnt it dear ol Tracey who put her foot down and decided that the xmas tree for the art museum was to be no xmas tree!And she got a million dollars for this fabulous installation.And i loved it!it was a much needed breathe of fresh air.Finally someone had remembered all those poorer children who didnt ever get to see the excessive opulence of an overdressed,tarted up bit of greenery!Minimalism taken up to the realms of higher conscious reality.Not just because Tracey is an artist..but because Tracy is Tracey and maybe she went without or knew lots of people who did or she just felt sorry for those locked out people or like me she thought she might just throw up if she had to lay claim to another heady display of opulence in a very unequal world.In your case you are you and you have bills to pay.This practical aspect of your life has meant that you have elected to take on the opportunity to cover these things as much as you reasonably can .You can see results for it.You see your family grow up and keep a roof over your head.You feed and clothe them which is all to be applauded.Art is something that will never leave you.You will paint when the time is right for you to paint.When you do you will enjoy it so please take art out of the whipping categorie and save it like a priceless tree that will grow and throw its branches into a welcoming shade for all.You are just feeling a bit demoralised right now and i think you did the correct thing to "pass " on the exhibition.It was a nice guesture on your friends part but this one is all about her.Imagine if you'd got there and found you thought the whole lot were cr°°………… then you'd feel obligated to make polite and kind comments and after that youd go home feeling like a complete hypocrit.Hubby is just being supportive.But its about as useful as you to keep nagging him to wash the dishes.You will paint when the time is right and not before and i hope you stun the world with the results but it is not essential that you do.I once had a dream about someones art teacher telling me rather scathingly about her very unique talent and i mentioned it to her.That must be my art teacher..she said...she always did like my work!Well, if you are the same or similar then i suggest you use your paint brushes like chopsticks and thread them through your hair and behind your ears ,up your sleeves,in your pillows and never go anywhere without one lucky paintbrush to hand.If the spirit bothers to come and tell some unwitting person about their marvellous talent then that person cant help but wonder what beautiful stunning pictures they are missing out on seeing...what woderful nuances of the mind they can translate to canvas.In fact that dream has been on my mind and i have been mentally urgng her "paint ##### paint"because she had such delicate artistic hands so worn thin to the bone with unchallenging things that i really wanted to see what her mind and hands could create.I was once inspired by a wonderful painters college exhibition and i never knew if she was the inspirational person who did these paintings or not ,but they were stunning to my untrained eye.So if you remember a strange encounter of the ethereal kind just start painting on loo roll because i doubt you could go far wrong.If not ,then stay chilled until your inspiration and talent comes back and hits you in the eye.
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