A
male
age
41-50,
*aySkowo
writes:Ive been with my fiancee for 10 years since we were 17 (engaged for the last 5). We bought a house at 20 and have owned it for 7 years. We did everything possible together and ditched our friends because we were more then enough for one another. Our sex life was good and we were very loving together and spent every possible moment together. We've fought a lot this year over many stressful issues, Ive started 90% of the fights. Our stress's were mainly about money and not having enough to pay bills for the last 2 years effectively. The second stress concerned our house and how much she hates living in it and the neighborhood (large city), we planned to move into a complete opposite brand new colonial (her single brothers) in the woods once our house sold. My stay at home business and renovation to sell the house was a turn off for her as it became unprofitable. She has to drive a good hour to work each way daily. Her income is literally 10x more then what I bring in yet we have issues paying bills. Her work contract is up in the air and she is stressing slightly over it also. She recently admitted to me she is not happy with me and her life. She admitted she is not in love with me right now and wants to be alone. I told her to hold our ring as a reminder but she told me its tainted. I asked her if Id have to buy her a new one if she get re-engaged and she stated "yes probably". She told me she needed to find out if we're meant to be and try life alone/single for awhile since she never had the chance. She admitted that our fighting pushed her over the edge with this decision and the bills were 75% of her daily thoughts and stresses. She has been speaking with a 38 year old male co-worker about this issues for the last 2 months, she hid the number from me because she said Im difficult to deal with if I found out. She swore on her nieces life they're just friends and he's a good unbiased outside opinion for her. She swore she didnt decide to do this because someone is waiting in the wings or that she wants to date other people. I met this guy and he's not good looking. He's married with 2 kids and is retiring in a few months from the military and moving 1000 miles away. I trust this information but regardless they spoke for 300 min's in one month during our downfall. She's now living with her brother. She's told me on the second to last conversation that she wants her accounts to be in her name only. She wants me to get my own cell and off of hers. We spoke civil and lovingly on the second to last conversation and she cried and admitted she is "not in love with me right now". I asked if this is the end and she told me she doesnt know and that she is going through a quarter life crisis and doesnt know anything right now. I asked her what she thought if I went and dated or possibly had a sexual relationship with another female and she told me she didnt care and wouldnt bother her. I confessed my love for her, my intentions to make myself a better man for her, get a good career/job, lose wieght, change my mindset and appreciation for her in general. She absorbed it all and didnt shoot me down. I asked her to not tether me along if I didnt have a chance and she agreed not to and told me she didnt know anything definitivly yet. Second time we spoke she called and was angry that friends and family were calling her pumping her for information after speaking to me. She called me and told me she was very angry with me right now and that her being alone in peace meant avoiding calls such as those. She didnt want me at the house when she came for a few of her belongings (80% of all her stuff is still here and she didnt change her address yet just her accounts). I apologized and she was in a better mood when she called to tell me she was gone. 3rd time we spoke was this past sunday, I didnt want to call her and im refraining from doing so even now. She was going on business travel for 4 days and she left her luggage at our house. I called and left a message telling her Id drop it off and avoid her and leave and was nice and considerate in the message. She called me right back and we spoke for 40 mins. We caught up on the previous weeks events and were very nice to one another. She told me she was going to call me that day anyway and that she's otw to the beach alone to read her book then visit her mom at a local campground. I asked her she is happy on her own and she said that it was really nice and relaxing. I asked if she missed me and she said she did. I asked if she missed our daily home life, cats etc. She told me she did but that she'd certainly miss it more within a week or two. I told her I love her dearly and Ive had a definitive wakeup call and Im well on my way to changing my mindset, my appreciationation for her, my respect for her. That Ive lost 10 pounds and committed 100% without thinking twice. I told her I want to be a better man for her and want her to have her own days if and when we get back together in the coming weeks or months. She absorbed it all and listened closely and agreed that the "solo" time if we rejoined one another is a good idea. I asked if I could take her on a date to a restaurant and show that we've never gone to before, I told her I dont wanna take her anywhere we've been before, she told me "we'll see". She told me she was going to come over next week to help clean our house so we can move ahead with getting it on the market. I told her I didnt want her to and that Id take care of it. I told her I didnt want to see her until I took her out and wanted to have lost all the wieght I have planned and look good for her. She laughed and said "You dont want to see me? lol, ok if thats what you want to do. I asked her if she could give me perhaps a little motivation, a whisper of hope that Im not doing all of this if I really dont have a chance with her. She didnt understand what I meant and I bluntly but carefully asked her "Should we just be friends and forget trying to reconcile our relationship?" She told me "We are friends, I want you to talk to me just like you would your best friend, I want you to ask or tell me anything". I told her I didnt think she understood, I rephrased and asked her, "Is there a chance we may never get back together? Her reply was "Yes its possible (1 week apart/3 weeks since this dilema started/3 months since she said she started having these feelings and doubts/Ironically it matches up to when the fights because of me gained steam).I then asked her if its possible we will get married and have kids someday and she replied "Yes". I asked her if she was still going to adhere to the 6 month agreement about not dating other people and she told me that if someone asked her on a date she wouldnt blatantly say no and that she'd think about it. She said she's not actively looking to date anyone. She asked me what my family thought, she said she didnt call my 17 year old sister (who she considers her sister) back because she didnt want to talk about the situation and that she didnt know what I told them. I told her that my family told me to leave her alone, give her space and time and that its like a vaction for her. They told me that if we truely love one another we'll end up back together. My ex was in a happy agreeing responsive mood when I told her that, she agreed with my parents advice whole heartidly. She felt reassured and told me to tell my sister she'd call her soon and they'd go out. Her parents choose to not involve themselves and all that they know is that we're seperated right now and that she wants to be alone with peace and quiet right now and that she doesnt know what she wants to do, they are granting her that space. Her brother who is 30 and who she is living with atm basically knows the same. He confronted her about the "good friend guy pal" and he's concinced they truely are just friends and admitted she has spoken to him in the company of his wife, the wife apparently knows what they talked about regarding our relationship too. I ended the conversation by telling her to wear sunblock, have fun in chicago on her business trip and that her happiness is all that matters to me right now and Im waiting in the wings while she does her thing and enjoys her time alone. I told her I love her with all my heart and soul. She replied "I love you too in a very loving tone" and we hung up. The fact that she has Yes and No answers versus the prior 2-3 weeks worth of "I dont know's" is a great sign. That last conversation gave me hope and Im progressing nicely with my therapist, my state of mind and discipline to change positivly. All this time to think has opened my eyes to a plethera of things I previously took for granted. My general respect for my ex among many other things. Ive lost 15 pounds of far and gained 5 in muslce (6'1" 205 before, 195 now) My weight certainly had a small role, I had a gut and jowel and in the sack she admitted to me it was hard to be sexually attracted to someone who didnt have a real job.Ive gotten a high paying job in my original trade field and will take home close to what she is making. My appearance has changed noticeably and attitude in general has had a clairvoyant permanent effect. I want to make it known that not having money for 2 years, barely paying bills, being stuck in this house and not completing it and selling it and the frequent fights 90% caused by me were all easy items for any other couple to break up over with just one of the above. My ex dealt with all of this and suffered daily for years, she finally popped. These items are now fixed and my general outlook on life and everything else is evolving very nicely. If we cant get back together with all of these things buttoned up permanently then there is no hope. Any advice should take into account what she dealt with for much longer then any other normal person. Thanks for baring with me and reading this beast of a post.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (12 July 2007):
 Personally because i have been through a very similar situation myself over the last year i think you are going about the whole thing in totally the right way.
Me and my husband three years ago decided to start our own business so my husband left his well paid job, i was pregnant at the time so was on maternity leave.
We took out a loan for the business and everything went well for a while, business became slow and we were not getting a decnt wage from the business anymore, which had a serious impact on home finances.
We were getting into debt left right and center, and after two years it took it's toll on our marriage and we seperated.
We have sold our house, are in the process of selling our business and our now after nearly a year, working on saving our marriage.
We both suffered with depression and we have got that sorted and had some time to ourselves and now we have realised that it was not us that was the problem, it was our situation.
She has given you much positive comments, so i would personally hold out for her and carry on giving her that space, if you are meant to be you will be re-united.
Take care.xx.
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