A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone.Note: all matters concerning months, days and years have been altered for privacy reasons.So me and my girlfriend have been dating for 5 months (we weren't together for 6 years and now we're back together again, we were in a 2 year-long relationship before). I got into a fight with her recently. All due to her actions that hurt my trust for her. This might be long so bear with me.A few days back, we went out and we were having a great time together. While we were sitting around, she grabbed my phone and she went through it (and she has done this a lot of times before even during highschool) I am completely fine with that as I have nothing to hide from her. I'm completely honest to her about our relationship together. But this next part is what upsets me. When I got her phone, she took it back as quick as lightning before I got to do anything at all and even when I was on the homepage, she would constantly be checking what I'm doing (I was just scrolling through her homepages mind you nothing more nothing less) and she insisted on getting her phone back. I've observed this behaviour of hers and this is not the first time as she did the very same thing when we were in highschool. She has never cheated (I hope she has never done that) before and I'd like to believe that always.I confronted her about that behaviour of hers and I told her that I dislike it so much. This is literally the very first time I confronted her about this. I've overlooked that behaviour of hers for the whole period when we (are and were) together. She said there's nothing that I should be worried about at all and yes I've done that too many times and it's sickening. Why would someone goes to great lengths to hide anything at all from his/her significant other if there really was nothing right? She only said her mom is unwell. She even proceeded to hand over her phone but she had second thoughts. I declined at first because I really do trust her a lot and we said our byes before going home but later (I am not proud of doing this but please try to understand my point of view) I went to see her again and asked her for it since I couldn't contain that sickness anymore. I didn't find anything but I think she could've erased anything that she knows I wouldn't like seeing when we went home. Now she's mad at me and she won't respond anything at all plus now she's saying she doesn't want to be with me at least for now. I think she doesn't mean that as she has said that everytime we have fights. Am I sick for doing that? Especially when it has happened too many times?I trusted her wholeheartedly and I still want to but why is she doing this to me? If there really is nothing going on then why is she acting all defensive like that? I really want to know what's going on with her and i'm desperate to help her out, like if she is in deep trouble with family etc./work/whatever at all but she's not telling me anything and it's extremely frustrating to say the least. I'm miserable at best as I love her more than anything. We went the whole period of 6 years of not being together and now we're back, so very in love unlike before, and I appreciate her so much for that. Our love has never falter in that sense as it has been going strong since forever.What should I do? I miss her so much. I've tried calling/texting her but she's not responding at all. I want to be able to help her out on things she's going through. Thoughts?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): This is just an update from me (writer of the question).
I have not heard anything from her whatsoever since she started ignoring me. What is she trying to do? Is she pulling off a game or something here? Am I missing anything? I have sent her quite a few texts asking her to talk to me but I think those texts are being ignored. I even called quitd a few times too. I'm feeling so miserable and at this point, i'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to understand her motives for doing this.
What should be my next step? Any thoughts and opinions on this?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): Hi WiseOwlE,I'm the writer of this question. First I'd like to thank you on those outlooks. I feel like she doesn't respect me enough. Thing is, I did and I have blind-trusted her like you have suggested. Too many times before. It keeps happening every single time we meet (no, I didn't ask for her phone. She keeps on shielding the phone whenever she's texting as if there's something and that turns out to be fishy). Won't you feel that something is off if someone who you really love did that to you? Yes trusting a person is the foundation of a relationship but so is opening up everything about yourself (and letting your guards down) to your loved as that is where trust is built on. To put in simpler terms, letting yourself in completely to your life partner. Selfless.My question is what should I do to rectify my relationship with her? I'm fully trusting her anyways and I always have. She's not responding to my texts and calls to talk about this. Why is she doing this to me? I want to get rid of this sickening problem. And no I won't breakup with her. I love her. Thoughts on this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): I've been on this site for awhile now; and one of the consistently significant issues between people is trust.
What comes next to that, is the expectations we all place on others. How much pressure we all exert upon other people to please us and make us feel secure. Part of that is our job. To live in reality and try to feel secure without anybody's help. That's called maturity.
Trust is not developed by having access to people's devices.
Trust is earned, created, and maintained by how you consistently treat each other. That includes the following: kindness, mutual-respect, generosity, affection, patience, loyalty, equality, truth, and that is all held together and reinforced by the exchange of trust. It's not negotiable! All or nothing! You got to have it all, and if you leave out trust, all the rest just falls apart.
Sometimes you may have to force yourself to have trust once it has been broken, until the evidence is in your face not to. Not in denial, but above the inclination to be suspicious. Not for what "somebody else did once upon a time." Not for "what they might do!!!" If you broke-up once, because someone cheated or lied. Why the hell are you going to take them back to open yourself up again to go through the hell of distrust? Forgive and forget, or get somebody new. Don't call yourself an adult, unless you behave like an adult. The people who have the least trust toward others, are the least to be trusted. They're so weak, you don't know what they'll do to you, or to themselves.
One thing for sure, they can put you through a lot of unnecessary hell. As you're both now doing to each other. Unsubstantiated suspicions, and going through each others stuff! After all that nonsense, still not satisfied?
People seek evidence to justify their feelings; yet unnecessarily need to see into every hidden and secretive area of another person's soul to feel secure. Then you've gone too far. When is enough, enough? If you can't stand the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen. There are no guarantees in life, but taxes and death! Love is a risk!
Your girlfriend doesn't trust herself; and she is not as trustworthy as she demands of you. It's not the gesture of her handing you her phone that proves anything; it is the proof of her trust, by her "not needing" you to handover your phone, or any tangible device as proof she can trust you. Sometimes it is earned by your consistent efforts and persistent actions to show your love for each other. Not all resting on your fidelity. You have to trust people for more reasons than they're not f*cking somebody else!
What about the fact all your time is spent with her? How about the fact you are kind and generous to her? She seems to spend more time worrying about what you're doing "that she can't see;" than what she witnesses you doing right before her very eyes! Don't be so self-righteous, now you're doing it to her!
All human beings have insecurities. Nobody's perfect. The one thing that I don't tolerate from other people is their disrespect for my privacy, their propensity to cling to their old-baggage, and wasting my time demanding I walk on eggshells around their bottomless pit of insecurities. For all the work you have to do to be a decent and upstanding individual, the last thing you need in your life are people who drag you down to a level where you are watched under the microscope; because of THEIR insecurities that are far out of control. Insecurities they refuse to handle like a grown-up; but demand that their mate must cater to. I can go on for volumes how I loathe that! Get some professional-
help if you harbor overwhelming anxieties about it. Don't punish others for it! Relationships are for people healthy enough to handle them; and realistic enough to know they require work and a joint-effort between the couple who want to have a lasting and happy relationship. There will be trouble and strife. It comes with the territory. The success and reward comes in dealing with the challenges, and still loving each other at the end of every crisis! Even when sometimes it doesn't have a completely happy ending. Then you work on it some-more; and give-up when all efforts have failed. Don't hang-on to something broken that can't be fixed. I'm not talking to the stupid, I'm speaking to those who know when it's time to quit. Who know they are in control of their own fate and happiness; and don't place it in the hands of someone else. Experience will teach us that. Trial and error through life.
Leave her phone alone. Sometimes you have to depend on blind-trust within a relationship. Humans make mistakes and you don't need to know every buried secret within every crevice of another person's life and soul. Anyone can debate with me to the end of the earth; and they'll never convince me that they have a right to make me constantly prove they should trust me. Then after all the trouble, they still don't!!! It pisses me off to no end that people can treat each other like that. It's despicable!
Maybe it's an old-fashioned concept; but I was taught the eyes are the mirror to the soul. Now your cell phone or devices are the mirrors to all your secrets; and you should be judged entirely by your social media updates, and messages??? That is entirely insane, if not disgustingly STUPID!!!
Let-up off your girlfriend, and tell her that if she wants trust; she has to trust you in return. If she has to go through your private records and on the same principle can't be subjected to the same scrutiny; your relationship will not survive. It's not going to anyway. Look what you've chiseled it down to! Petty fights over looking through each others phone messages?!!
Seriously?!!
If you two are no more mature than that after six(?)years. Prepare for the final-breakup. Stop using the word love. If there is no trust, THERE IS NO LOVE!!!
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