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*herylkitten79
writes: My question is does a relationship have a chance if you fight a lot and there is abuse in the relationship? We try to out do each other and we often end up in a fight. We are passionate when we make love. We both love each other deeply. Do we have a chance? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2006): A healthy, mature long-lasting love is not supposed to be painful and hurtful, dear. There is some hurt involved in all relationships, but if it is a cycle of pain and you both are fighting a lot, then something is not working. Loving relationships are based upon appreciation and affection and not fear, manipulation and hurtfulness. It does sound like there is a lot of deep love, but it is toxic. And remember, great make-up sex does not keep a couple together. It will wear thin, after awhile. There has to be 'respect'..that is foundational. Quite often, over time, there will be gut feelings that will inform you that 'something is wrong.' For you to be posting your concerns here, I think this is what you are experiencing these feelings now. Those feelings should be trusted. As they are trusted, they will begin to clarify what is going wrong in the relationship and perhaps you can take steps to find a healthy love where you feel safe, secure and conflicts/disagreements can be worked out in mature, honest, loving way. I wish you happiness. Your bf may not be the one unless some real radical changes come about. You might profit by a couple of good relationship counseling sessions to investigating the question, "What's keeping me in there?" and to help you both understand why you can't resolve issues without fighting. It could be you two are only compatible, in the bedroom. But all in all, my opinion ...is to always date and marry a person who is your equal, in every way. That is the key to life long happiness
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reader, Gryphon +, writes (26 April 2006):
 There is always a chance, but as Dazzerg said the abuse must stop because psychological or physical warfare will not advance a relationship. You both may be very emotional people and can go from passion to violence on a whim, but abuse cannot be allowed for the health of everyone involved. If he is doing the abuse, I would say tell him to stop and if he won't then bail out for your own good and personal health. If you feel he may get angry if you confront him then you definitely need to find somewhere else to be as fast as you can.
As far as the relationship commandments go I think “thou shalt not abuse thy partner” is probably second or third on the list because all abuse can bring is suffering, doubt and insecurity. Do yourself a favor and bring the abuse to an end and then try to rebuild the relationship.
Best wishes.
~Jake~
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reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (25 April 2006):
 I would say there is always a chance if you do truly love each other but the abuse has to stop and so does the fighting. You have to get to the root of what is causing these problems and most likely you will have to have some form of professional counselling. I have to ask, is the abuse physical and who is doing it? If he is doing it to you then I would consider leaving very seriously.
It may well be that you will have to seperate for a degree for sometime in any case just to take the heat out of this. At the moment it doesnt seem that you are making much progress with actually resolving the issues in your relationship at all. However, if you push forward then yes, there is a chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2006): Why do you feel the need to outdo each other so much that you get to the point of arguement and abuse? I think the two of you need to seriously assess your own personalities before you even begin to look at the relationship.
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