A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really need help and if anyone could help me that would be much appreciated. My story is long and complex but I will try to shorten it and summarize it. Basically, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now on and off. And when I mean off, we broke up for a short period of time because our lives were going in different directions. I was the one who broke it off because I thought it would be the best for both of us. It was painful for me to do but I continued on with my life, trying to forget him for whatever reason. It was hard but it was also easy as I feel like I lived obliviously. Shortly after we broke up I met someone new. We hit it off and I started to fall for him quick. He was older, and provided me with a sense of security. Maybe I felt like I didn't have any security before? Basically things were going very well and I slept with him shortly after we had met. Things were still going well for about two months after that although we had never discussed a relationship. Then he started acting very busy and we eventually fell apart and stopped taking completely. I was under the impression he didn't want to text me back because I never recieved a text from him. That was the last time we had talked. One night, maybe about a month after, I texted him asking what our little fling was, with him responding that he wasn't sure and that he was under the impression that neither of us wanted a relationship. We decided to meet up and we just hung out as friends. It was like nothing had changed. We talked briefly on Facebook after that but that was it and I never heard from him again but I was also the one who did not respond to what he last said.I figured if he were interested enough he would contact again. Now, I am back with my boyfriend. We plan on getting married and having children, he is the love of my life. But why can't I stop thinking about the guy that I spent time with when we were broken up? It is truly dragging me down. Please help!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2014):
 You probably feel this way because you haven't sorted though all the history and built-up resentments with the current boyfriend. It's also hurtful to be so rejected by someone that they literally drop out of your life with no more contact. It could be that you are still seeking validation that you were an important part of the temporary man's life.
You've left out a huge chunk of the story, which is what is it that brought you and your boyfriend back together? You were traveling different paths and you did your best to move on. Getting back together would require a deviation in your plans and lifepath and a major shift in trust. Did that actually happen with the boyfriend? Or are you continuing to live life obliviously?
Work through these issues with the help of a counselor, I think you'd be making a good investment in your future if you took the time to get that outside help right now.
I have a book I highly recommend to people who are struggling with courtship and commitment: A Fine Romance by Judith Sills PhD, an oldie but a goodie. Easy to find inexpensive used copies online.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 That's what they call "sex rage". You cannot forget that sweet romps you had with this guy who, objectively, has never be a genuine lover but just a good shag. Just two months of intense sexual activation is enough to "impregnate" your (s)we(e)t dreams for a while, I fear. You are emotionally stained.If you are about to get married, it's a big problem as you are not already deprived of the sensual souvenir of this guy who haunts you and whose lack of his touch causes you a sort of pain. Be honest with your fiance and take a little more time to heal. And if you can't, you'd better cancel that wedding as your heart (let's say "heart" to be polite) actually belong to another guy who could as well have you back in his bed the very moment he would re-appear in your life. Don't squawk please, as this has been seen and even discussed here on Dear Cupid hundred of times.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): Maybe it is the "unfinished" aspect of whatever happened with the guy that keeps you thinking about him or fantasizing about what could have happened between the two of you.
Maybe you should contact him just to clear things up and move on with the love of your life.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (12 February 2014):
Of course I can't say why, but I guess you didn't have a deep relationship nor you have a crush on him (from what you say). So your thoughts could be more related your your relationship with your boyfriend and the fact that you dated another guy during the break. Does you boyfriend know about this other guy? If he doesn't I would recommend you not to tell him about the sex part.
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