A
female
age
41-50,
*r51
writes:I need some help sorting out my feelings right now so I'm hoping you will have some insight. Here's the story:I've been dating the same guy since high school, which means that now we've been together for 11 years (and married for the last 1.5 years). We are both relatively young and approaching our 30's. He is a great guy who loves me and wants nothing more than to make me happy, not to mention he's incredibly handsome as well (I always see the girls stealing glances at him as we walk around). He's in decent shape, fun-loving and we have a good time together - we are really great friends and enjoy a lot of the same things.So here also lies the problem in that I feel like all we are is friends. I feel like he's the guy I can meet up with at a bar and have a beer with, or go see a movie with, but I do not feel the husband and wife vibe. I feel that while I've grown as a person and live in "adultland," he is still living in "collegeland" and I just don't feel as if we're on the same page anymore. This definitely comes into play as far as jobs/finances go, as in right now I'm ambitious and want a lot of things and am gainfully employed, and he was laid off in March and hasn't even bothered to apply for a new job anywhere. He seems to understand that his nature of procrastinating and putting off responsibility is wrong and he is always saying he wants to change and move into "adultland," but at the end of the day I have not seen any improvement, and he realizes this as well. I basically tell him all the time that I want a husband and not a son to take care of...I totally feel in "mommy-mode" with him.Now, here's the other twist. I made the biggest mistake of my life by cheating on him almost one year ago. I hadn't developed the guts to be honest with him about how disconnected I was feeling in our relationship (not surprisingly there's also a complete lack of intimacy between us - the fun seems to stop as soon as we get into bed). I took the easy way out by cheating on him with someone I used to work with, much older (about 20 yrs my senior) and admittedly really liked the other guy and enjoyed my time with him. I fell for the excitement, great sex and energy that the affair gave me because it's something I hadn't felt in a long, long time with my husband.Now fast forward to today..I came clean to my husband a few months ago and we have been seeing a marriage counselor ever since, trying sort through the mess of emotions. Clearly the hubs and I have a communication issue, in that he is way too passive and accepts everything thrown at him and I just don't communicate my feelings at all and sort of expect him to be a mind reader...very dangerous combination. We are both committed to making this work and we realize the things that both of us did (or failed to do) that led to me having an affair. These are things we are trying to work on and change.Lately though, I have been thinking about the other guy. I wonder what he's up to, if he's dating, if he's thinking about me...I guess you could say I miss him. I don't know how long the hubs and I are supposed to be in therapy before we make some decisions about our future. When I'm at work, I miss my husband, I love seeing him when I get home...going out to dinner, rollerblading with our dogs, but why then don't I have a desire to have sex with him? Why do I still dream about having sex with the other guy? And now I'm not just dreaming about the sex, but about how life would be with him in general (going out, holidays, etc.) I feel like I'm risking my nice, safe marriage with probably the nicest guy I'll ever meet, for a fling with a guy that I could never really have a future with anyway. What in the world is wrong with me? I desperately want to be in love with and adore my husband as much as he is into me, but I just don't know how and I feel like I am losing the battle and will end up making a huge mistake.
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male
reader, Carlos2011  +, writes (30 January 2011):
I think your problem was seeing him as your great friend. do not misunderstand me, friends are great...but when you live with someone, when you pass your life with somebody you will not just want someone who understands you...but someone who also realize your desires, your fantasies ... certainly do not want someone who only understands but also walk with you. A simple friend can not do it all. If we let someone we love becomes a simple friend eventually we will feel that we want more .... something that the "friend " can not give us ...we have to be lovers before we be friends...
I hope everything has gone well and have managed to solve your problems ...
A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (24 June 2009):
You can't change how you feel. This is a tough one and I can't think of anything helpful to say except that I understand your feelings. I don't think it's really the guy himself that your fantasizing about, but more the situation. The thrill of something different, that guy just happens to be the character in the story in your mind. Afterall you and your hubby have been together since highschool and I bet you haven't been through all the ups and downs of "datingland" (lol i had to) You know, the search for happiness. You have had your husband by your side since you were too young to know what you really wanted. I hate to say take a break and "see other people" because I'm not sure that ever really works. Your husband may end up being the one guy that has everything you want, you just may not realize it. It's like that saying "you don't know what ya got 'til it's gone." Or maybe just take a vacation seperatly without "other people" involved. I think you really have some soul-searching to do.
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