A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I became friends with this guy online. The conversations started off as topics about forums (met on a forum so) memes, YouTube, just general Internet stuff really. However, it slowly got a little flirtatious, and last night, I was drinking and we started talking about Sex. I'm not using drink as an "excuse", I more than likely would have done it anyway, I was tempted to but resisted previously. The thing is though, I am already in a 4 year relationship. Good relationship, bad relationship. Whatever, there is NO excuse for what I did. NONE AT ALL! I feel incredibly guilty. I have told a friend and she said I should just stop talking to said guy and just learn from your mistake, is this good advice? Like I know for certain I'll never do it again because, I dunno I just know in my heart. Now. Some of you may be wondering what type of real relationship I have. First of all, I'm with a guy who is unemployed, lives at home with is parents and has little to no motivation to change this. I have 150% thought about leaving him. I am obviously unhappy, but I am hoping things will improve. My father has told me, I need to think about the future, if_____doesn't want to motivate himself for your sake and his own, I should leave. Lol, this is no excuse either for having cyber Sex but I'm trying to weigh in on why I did what I did. If I was happy, I wouldn't have done what I did with the guy online. Anyone got advice? Should I tell my bf about what I did?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 February 2017):
 I think you should be honest with him. If you are not happy in this relationship then you should leave. If you truly loved your boyfriend you never would have cheated on him, cyber or not, it is still emotional cheating. Drinking is no excuse and neither is the fact that he still lives at home. I think you should own up to your boyfriend tell him how you are feeling and see if you can work through it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2017): Honestly You're not the 1st person to cybersex and won't be the last keep it to yourself.people masturbate all the timejust watch your heart.If your heart wants you to get more then your bf isn't the best thing.If he is it will tell you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2017): Although you mentioned several times how guilty you feel and how wrong it was having cybersex; you still seemed to rationalize it by telling us how much of a loser your boyfriend is, and referencing your alcohol consumption.
That's an indirect and subtly-placed excuse.
It was irresponsible and impetuous. It should not be repeated. Never-ever, again! You never know where this stuff could wind-up. Forgive yourself for a poor judgement-call.
You artfully dodged any commentary that would counter alcohol as an excuse. Since your boyfriend is described as such a big-time slacker, as confirmed by your dad; comparatively, what you did wasn't so bad if your boyfriend is a lazy unemployed bum. That's the implication I received.
Not quite sure what the purpose of your post is. It might be a good idea to tell him all about it to clear your conscience, and give him fuel to initiate a breakup. Guilt doesn't really minimize or dismiss acts of poor judgement; but it is the first step towards redemption.
I think you did it out of frustration, pent-up inhibitions, and rebellion. Then afterwards, you realized that it's not really your true personality and wasn't such a good idea.
It was a fluke. We all blow-off steam in some crazy form or another. Not one person who read your post can cast the first stone; because we all are guilty of some outrageous behavior we've regretted, and would prefer to pretend it never happened. Just between you and me, aside from guilt; you feel a great sense of relief, and totally liberated.
I am not telling you it was right, and I'm not going to judge you for it. I think you had to do something crazy or you were going to lose your mind. All I can say is, put it behind you. Don't contact the guy again. Push the incident to back of your memory and go forward.
I agree with your dad. Ditch the loser. Your description of him fits a certified stoner.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 February 2017):
 Yeah, you pretty much decided to break up the cowardly way. If you were happy you wouldn't have cheated? If you were unhappy you should end the relationship. End of discussion. Cheating, whether online or in real life, is the end of any relationship.
You're broken up, you just haven't had the guts to tell your boyfriend yet. So woman up and do the right thing: end things with him. You don't need to tell him you cheated, just end it in a civilized manner and move on with your life.
But carrying on with him after having cheated? That's just like cheating on him again and again for each and every day you pretend to having been faithful. You either tell him you cheated and he forgives you and wants to carry on a relationship (despite you actually not wanting the relationship) or you end things with him tomorrow/today and don't tell him you cheated.
If you wanted to have this relationship, you wouldn't have cheated. It's that simple, really. You just took the cowardly way out by ending things without telling him.
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A
female
reader, anonem  +, writes (6 February 2017):
 The first thing you need to do is leave your boyfriend. I am talking from experience. Run run run as fast as you can. If you don't take this advice, the moment you realize you néed to leave, it might be late and filled with regret.
Are you scare of being alone. Trust me, it's not that bad.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (6 February 2017):
 You are at the age where you should be making the decision about the future not your Dad. I consider your Dads opinion as Good Advice. Cheating is possible the meanest way to end a relationship. But it happens so often there is a name for it. They call it an exit affair.
There are 2 bits of advice I have for you. First when you are more than one hundred percent sure that leaving the relationship is the best choice then do it. You have been dragging this out for a long time. putting off the pain it will cause or avoiding embarrassment. The sad Irony is that your current action will cause more pain and embarrassment.
Second advice you need to be Single for a while to get your head back on straight. Many people like to be in a relationship and even foolishly stay in bad relationships to avoid being alone. based on common wisdom you should be single for 4 to 5 months. So until summer. During that time morn the loss, concentrate on your studies, and seek to understand why you did something that you now regret very much.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 February 2017):
 Your friend's advice is good advice. Go no contact with your cyber-sex guy, block him and if must, delete app. Then no more cyber sex with anyone in the future.
Reason why you had cyber sex is because it felt good. Not everything that feels good is right. At least you don't blame alcohol. Nor does cyber sex you had deal with your problematic relationship in any good way. If anything, telling your BF about it may make what you got even more fragile. Instead, deal with your BF by setting up some goals with him that you'd want him to achieve - likebtetting a job - if the relationship is to continue.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 February 2017):
 I think you are actually giving an explanation as to why you did it in the last paragraph.
You tried to sabotage your relationship because you want out, for whatever reason you haven't left and IF you tell him it gives you a way out because you hope? that he will end it?
Would I tell? No. I would end the relationship with the BF. I would do it gently and NOT drop ALL the fault at HIs doorstep. I might use a line like:" I feel we no longer bring out the best in each other and I can't see a future with you and me as a couple".
Why would I choose that route over telling him? Because I don't think there is a good reason to KICK him while he is down.
You know you aren't happy with dating him, you don't see a future and you are OBVIOUSLY seeking something you aren't getting IN the relationship. Be it attention or affection.
So end it. Let your BF find someone more HIs speed and you find someone more YOUR speed.
And DO try and use more common sense online. You have NO idea what this guy will do with that conversation (and video/pics if you sent any). YOU don't know this guy from Adam. BE safe online and offline.
And don't do things to a partner you wouldn't want THEM to do to you.
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