A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriends recently broke up with me, but I know he is still into me. It is a long story, but he pretty much broke up with me because he was scared. I am not sure if it is because he knew I was falling in love with him or if he fell for me. He is always doing things to get my attention and I will catch him looking at me all the time. I still want to be with him, but some of my friends are telling me to move on. Maybe finding a new guy will make my x realize how much he likes me and he will want me back. I don't want to use someone just to make my boyfriend jealous, but maybe my friends have a point. Should I try to find a new guy?
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female
reader, weary-zone  +, writes (19 July 2008):
 hey if you really love just make the first move don't break up !!!! you will regret it i swear !!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. You guys are right. I need to get over this guy before I try to move on. I have no idea how, but I guess it will just take time. I don't think he broke up with me because he has problems with commitment because he was engaged before, but you never know. I have tried to communicate with my x about the situation, but he just got defensive and told me he needs space. Since he didn't want to talk to me I don't really have any other choice besides waiting for him to change his mind or to move on. I'm not ready to date anyone else, and I would feel horrible if I hurt them.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2008):
 I'm sorry to hear of your break up. It's so hard to deal with them, especially when you find that in some way he hasn't truly let go.
I think though that just using a guy to try to get your ex back is actually not a great idea. Why? Because you could hurt this guy just as badly as you've been hurt, IF your ex does try to get you back, and you drop the new guy. That's kind of cold and callous and actually very selfish behavior. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but I'm imagining what it would be like for him. Say, that you went for my brother (as an example), got him all interested and involved and wanting a real longterm relationship with you. Then you drop him as soon as the ex shows that he wants to be back with you. You'd devastate my brother, he'd have some emotional healing to do from the break up with you AND there's no guarantee that your ex would really fully commit to you for the long term. And you might get a rep for being a user. Not what you'd want, I'm sure.
Or worse, your ex doesn't react in the way you want, he actually IS relieved that you've found another guy, and your current boyfriend figures out that you've only been using him to get a rise out of your ex. And he dumps you and tells people that you're a user. Not good, again.
I think your best strategy is to actually get really busy with your life and your interests and your friends, and date, but in a casual way, not pretending that you want more, as you're still hoping for your ex to come back.
I think that if you look like you've moved on, by not waiting for him to contact you, and by going out on occasional dates, and by not being available if and when your ex calls you, you'd be in a good position. No one could then accuse you of being selfish or a user, and the situation with your ex could be resolved, one way or the other.
I have to say that I understand about your ex being scared, but he may actually really not want a commitment. You're both still young, may I assume that he's in the same age bracket as you are, 18-21? He may just want lots more time and experience before settling down with anyone. And if you get involved with another guy in a way that is perceived as serious, he may back away entirely.
So, I agree with your friends in that you should move on, but I think that actively looking for a dupe to play the role of jealous-starter in your ex is not a good idea. The best thing to do is to get out there with your friends, enjoy the things you like to do, meet new people, date some of them, but do NOT find some poor fall guy to draw out the jealousy that you THINK your ex might experience. It's just not nice.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, apple2  +, writes (18 July 2008):
That is a bad idea! first thing you need to do is ask yourself was it working in the first place? do you want him back because you cant have him? the last thing you want to do is drag another bloke into it, it is cruel to use someone like that. Give yourself some time out to re-discover what you want and when you are ready go on dates and find yourself a good catch do it without parading them around in front of your ex. Trust me it will have more effect on him seeing you happy and getting along with your life than having flings with random men to get his attention.
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A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (18 July 2008):
No you shouldn't find a new guy. You are not over your ex and if you try to move on to an other guy your going to really hurt this new guys feelings. Either try to fix things with your ex or try to get over him and then move on when you really are looking to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): Hiya, You should only find a new guy once you are over your ex. Just imagine how hurt the new guy would be? I can understand its a horrible situation to be in.. but you should just give your ex some space. If you find a new guy it may push your ex away even more, he may think u've moved on for good.Good Luck x
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A
female
reader, weary-zone +, writes (18 July 2008):
you guys love each other so breaking up because he was scared is not right .. just text him and tell him you love him breaking up is not right i mean you love each other being scared is not a problem .. you love him .. he loves you .. end of story you guys must enjoy your love not break up !! have fun with each other go tell him that if you really want him
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