| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have a problem, a big problem, and I think this will mean I will NEVER be able to be happy in a relationship. Ok, I've only had one boyfriend, we're still together, but I'm thinking of breaking up with him. The reason being I'm too jealous, insecure, have low self esteem, hate myself, or I don't know... well, he's jealous too and hates my past, but my past was pretty pathetic and I cringe when I think about it too, plus it's been gone for at least 3 or 4 years. So he has it easy there. I'm faithful as hell, I don't even check out other guys (it's not abnormal is it? I just don't get the urge like other women!). I don't have male friends. I love him tons. The problem is me.I've become increasingly jealous. I don't know why. Well, remember I mentioned he's jealous of my past, sometimes he did things out of spite. Like once he visited his former crush behind my back at like 12 am. to help her do some stupid homework (she's a slut, she still flirts with him form time to time although he ignores her, but she's slutty with him). That happened a long time ago, but it still gets to me that she was more important than my feelings. Anyway, I also get jealous of his female friends, 'cause they're touchy feely sometimes and so flirty (not just with him, but with all their male friends). I also hate prettier girls, because he's told me that when he was single he used to check out girls like crazy, that he and his friends would spend entire afternoons checking out girls at uni. Also, because he watches porn, and sometimes jokes that we should get a porn channel when we get married (he always talks about marriage and how he wants to spend his life with me). I hate thinking that, of course, he's a guy, so he fantasizes about a lot of girls. Of course I'm not very pretty (I was told this soo many times in high school). So I know for a fact he's lying when he says "Baby, I only watch porn as a visual aid, not because of the girls". Yeah right. He's a man, all men are the same, even my dad, I've seen him perving on other women.So the thing is, I'm thinking of breaking up with him because one, he deserves someone who is more relaxed and confident and more beautiful. And two, because that way I don't have to worry about pleasing anyone. I plan on staying single. It sucks, but I tried getting over all of this, and I couldn't. I know I'm an intelligent, creative girl, but I still feel like I'm not enough. Like I'll never be enough for anyone. Before my boyfriend, no guys showed interest in me, I NEVER knew what it was to have an admirer. He had tons of girls having crushes on him, he still does. I have no idea what it's like to be wanted by many guys, and never will, so I've decided my goal in life must have nothing to do with men or relationships. Guys before himm always overlooked me. Or they used me. Or teased me about being nerdy and ugly. I guess I better focus on my career and doing research or who knows. All I know is my head is messed up and I will never like the fact that men crave variety and that they check out and fantasize about prettier women. I don't care if they say "It's a man thing, it doesn't mean we don't love you", because even if that's true, it hurts. I'm ugly, so it hurts more! I've read a bout a lot of women who complain that their men check out other women, but that they are gorgeous and have other men flirting with them all the time... well at least they have that. I don't.How can I live a celibate, single life, FOREVER? I know I'm gonna miss having a relationship in one time or another in my life, but I just figured out I'm not good as a girlfriend. I'm too insecure and I'll never be enough. I must be a nag. I tried changing, but couldn't. So I give up :(
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celibate, crush, flirt, insecure, jealous, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Gafs  +, writes (25 May 2009):
The question you should be asking is- do you love him?
If the answer is no then finish it. But if the answer is yes then dont do it. You remind me of my best friend, you say your not pretty because of a few people saying your not- have u thought back to all the positive compliments youve had in your life? Your boyfriend wants to spend the rest of his life with you and has told you this, so doesnt plan on running off with his ex anytime soon. I dont agree with him seeing her behind your back, or him being touchy feely but men are usually immune to womens feelings and often dont actually know there doing anything wrong (yes they are dumb). I think you are just lacking some confidence, each time you see a girl coming over or looking just think to yourself hes mine not yours- its them that should be jelous of you! As for porn- watch it with him, im sure youll find a way of distracting him from whats on the tv ;-)
Go shopping and get something to make yourself feel gorgeous!
Good luck
x
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (25 May 2009):
 There is still plenty of time left in your life to change. You don't have to be insecure and alone forever. Have you ever thought about going to a therapist? If you find a good one, it can go a long way towards helping you accept yourself. Your self-esteem needs a good strong boost.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): You sound like you're simply going through a stage. Stop the labels on yourself. Just end that.
Your boyfriend has controlled you with judgement and criticism and pushed you to the level and the point he wants you to be. Sounds like you are where he wants you to be for his control. Looks as if the b/f's goal was to get you to have zero faith in yourself and your future and he may have temporarily achieved it.
So after you terminate your self-labeling and cut out the guy, you will have room to think for yourself; believe you are a great person again.
In your away-from-lame-boy time, you may do well to write down what happiness is to you and what a relationship is to you.
And stop feeling sorry for yourself. That's over with. Design your own happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): He's really preyed on your low self esteem and I think he gets off on making you feel low and jealous. Yes, you should dump him because he's a jerk and it's not your fault. You deserve to be treated with respect and until you realize that and really believe it, you'll continue to blame yourself for other people's bad behavior.
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