A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Basically I had a fling several years ago and got pregnant ... we barely knew each other so I can't blame the father for ditching me the moment i said "baby". I let him go. It has been 6 years and I wonder if he regrets his actions. I am harder to find since i have moved 7 times however i know precisely where he is and how to reach him. I was thinking of sending a letter to the grandparents as a way of contacting the father, so if they want to be involved they can be and if he wants a second chance at parenthood then he can too. What worries me most is the grandparents dying (early 70s) before they have a chance to know my kid. I don't know these people, I am ashamed to say I don't know my child's father. Of course I know biologically who he is but who he is as a person, I know zero. I was stupid, i hold my hands up to that but i can't change the past. Then question is the future. Is contacting the grandparents via letter the right thing to do? Should I risk their involvement or do you think i should leave it a few more years? My child has a right to his father however I don't want to push a relationship that could damage my son if his dad is not ready. If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Also what would you put in the letter? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2015): Original Poster - pretty sure I am going to go for it especially as it is getting towards Christmas season. People tend to be a bit more mushy and sentimental about family at this time of year so hopefully I luck out and we will be welcomed with open arms. I won't know until i try and at least this way I won't be kicking myself for not doing enough ... for fretting when we have chance to be happy. Small chance but a chance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2015): thank you for updating -I really think you might regret it if you dont contact them. You will always wonder what might have been, as your son will too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2015): Original Poster - thank you everyone for all those words, I keep reading and re-reading them to help me in this decision making process. I think I'll give the whole thing a 30 day cooling period to ensure this is what I want to do, whilst writing letter(s) and preparing to send them.
No matter what happens I will take to consider everyone on the paternal side and respect all their feelings (even the ones i don't like).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2015): I agree with what everyone says here. Write the letter. Let them contact you.Do respect their choice if they do not.They may not because your ex may be married to the girl that he was engaged to at the time he got you pg.They also may want a dna test done so do not be mad at them if they want that.On the other hand they just might welcome you with open arms.Anything could happen.Just do not push them and please respect what they decide.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 October 2015):
I would write a letter to the father first and if you get no reply then contact the grandparents by letter. Just write it as you have here, how you didnt get to know each other, and since you have moved several times you know that you may not be contactable for them.
If the grandparents happened to die, you would always wonder about what could have been. At least this way, whether anything good comes of your actions or not, you can honestly tell your son in the future that you did what you could and that you gave them the choice to connect with him. I would advise you to do this now, the longer you leave it the harder it will get. Good luck
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 October 2015):
 OP, I wasn't blaming you for thinking your child is yours (alone) - he didn't step up, he ran and never looked back, never contacted you or... basically cared if you HAD a child or an abortion.
But biologically he is a father, not an anonymous sperm-donor. I don't think (personally) that he has a RIGHT to your son, but he has a right to *know* that he fathered a child WITH you.
I think if you contact the parents first, you might GET drama that you don't want. They may not believe you, he may not want the "ownership" of your son and paint you in a horrid light. That is why I would send HIM a letter first, so he actually KNOWS. It might be harder to lie after that (for him).
If you found out after the sex that he was supposedly engaged, I get not contacting him sooner. It would have been quite a bombshell - however..... IF he was willing to have unprotected SEX with you, he ought to have known that it can lead to a pregnancy. YOU would NOT have been the reason his engagement fell apart - HE cheated on his fiance (NOT YOU) and you didn't at the time of the sex, KNOW that he had a fiance. I still understand your reasoning to not tell him.
I'd say write a letter to him first, see what happens. If he ignores it, maybe write to the parents.
I DO think your SON has a "right" to know where he came from and hopefully he will get a chance to met them, if not - THAT is on them, their choice, their loss.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2015): Original poster - the father also lied to me about his location, and moved (from south of Scotland to the South of England) to seemingly getting away from responsibility even though i would seek no help. I also latter found references to being engaged at the time of his involvement with me. I am not angry about this, but i was wary of breaking up a relationship etc he might have and understand why he might have super freaked out on top of idea of being a parent. From reports he has been single for the last year. Internet good for stalking.I have viewed child as mine because he has always been mine and i will find it hard to share - but not impossible. I just don't want to contact them and make all our lives more difficult, i am taking a lot of time to ponder best course of action to ensure that contact happens in the best way for all if possible.I think contacting the grandparents might be a way for the father to deal with the situation with elder wisdom ... since obviously was quite immature 6 years ago and the risk is he still is.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 October 2015):
I think he has a right to know that he fathered a child. And honestly, I think he should have known when the child was born. (whether he wanted part in the child or not) Now you might have felt, he didn't want this, he ran, so the child is ALL mine - well, in many ways that is true, but...I still think a man has a RIGHT to know that he has a kids "out there".
So I will revise my advice a little. I would write him FIRST. And in the letter to him, maybe enclose a letter to his parents. So that HE can tell them and pass on the letter. It might be a little easier for them to swallow than a letter from a total stranger say HEY! you are a grandparent of a 7 year old! Surprise!! You know what I mean?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): Thank you thus far for the advice and kind words ... i am taking on board what you are saying. I had a few questions so just going to answer so you can cater your words more to my situation :)None of the paternal side know i have this child, the father left before he knew what my decision with regards to keeping the baby was. He could very well imagine I had an abortion, or hope that his total cut off of contact forced my hand because I was only 5 weeks pregnant when he ran off. I think the grandparents would relish another grandchild - they have one already. So i think they would step up but it is what input and expectations they would put on us. Because we didn't court (fling( with the intention of becoming a family so likely have different views of life. What if they don't agree with who I am and how we live, same for the father ... he may not like the kind of child I am raising (we are a bit hippy-ish - so like to live in a way that makes us happy if not precisely the norm).
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 October 2015):
Do the family know about the child?
I too would write him AND them. I would let them know a bit about the child and that you are NOT looking for financial compensation or help, but would like for your son to know his family on both sides.
He might not be ready, and that is his loss. His parents on the other hand might want to know a grandchild.
I would NOT tell your son about the letters till you have some sort of positive response.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): What a hard choice you face dear, I have been there myself. I won't discourage you. I honestly think you should write the letter. Stating who you are and why you have contacted them. Let them know your reasoning as to why you are and why you haven't wrote before. You're giving them a chance to be in their grandsons life. Extend the hand and see if they grab it. Most grandparents are happy with the idea of having a grandchild. You should give them the chance. Either they can have a grandson or choose to ignore. Either they will gain love or lose it. Good luck
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 October 2015):
 I would write to them.
I would say things like "I want child's name to know his family on both sides" "feel free to contact me to arrange a visit" and give your contact info (multiple ways)
Giving them an opening to contact you even if their son does not want to is a good thing.
once you send the letter the ball in in their court.
any time you move however I would send an update with the new address but other than that i would not push it.
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