A
female
age
41-50,
*am27
writes:Hi please I hope someone can advise me on where to go I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years we have a three and a half year old boy together he is an alcholic and is very unpredictable he has been in rehab twice and only just left one treatment centre which he was there for three months only to drink again 2 weeks later. He goes to AA meetings has a sponser and tries to follow the twelve steps. He has had two affairs behind my back the last one was a girl he found in a AA meeting I keep forgiving him and the last time he drank I said id had enough and didnt want to be with him anymore,he turned and said to me he couldnt live without hes family and tried to attempt suicide not only once but twice(with my insulin im diabetic) I think it was for attention because he told me about it or it was a cry for help. He was sexually abused by hes Dad when he was a young boy and I feel he has had a bad start in life and I suppose feel sorry for him. I love him dearly still even after all this but I feel worthless and have no self esteem anymore but deep down I know I need to leave or he will destroy me and our child. Im frightened if I leave him he will kill himself then how am I gonna feel like I could have saved him and what do I tell our son "your daddy couldnt cope and wasnt strong enough to fight hes disease" then how will he feel when hes older he will feel worthless and unloved. Please could someone give me some advise on what to do.
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affair, self esteem, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): I strongly disagree with both pvtguy and female reader, it's gone beyond sticking around trying to help him,what happens to your son while you're doing all this? best to seperate yourself and your son from this situation until he can get his act together, so you can focus all your attentions on raising your son.
All they suggest might be fine if you didn't have a son to take care of, but this guy is intent on destroying his life and he will take you both down with him. There is nothing you can do in your current situation to help him.
I was abused as a child but I'm an adult now what I do is MY responsibility not my abusers. Blaming my problems on him won't solve any of them and I would never use what happened to me as an excuse to fuck other people over especially people I love.
This man you are with is f**ked and he has to break this cycle of self-pity and self hatred himself, whether you like it or not he is already killing himself but the choice you have make is whether to let you and your son watch it happen firsthand. You can't help him, believe me that's not how it works. Stop banging your head against a wall and do what you know you have to for the sake of your sons future.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): He really needs an ultimatum. To tell him you love him very much, but soon YOU will need psychiatric help with his problems that you are NOT qualified to handle. Ask him -if he really loves you and his son, he will remain in a treatment program, therapy, whatever YOU decide, or you will need to leave for the sake of your own sanity. It is giving HIM the choice if he wants to keep the family together. Do you have a good pastor that could talk to him? That would be helpful too.
God Bless
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 February 2009):
 As sad as it may sound you can not save him from himself, HE has to do that. So far he hasn't be able to do it.
If you do not leave and start on a life with self respect he will ruin not only his own life but yours as well.
It might be the wake up call he needs. right now even if it's not your intention you are enabling his behavior.
You need to put yourself and you child first. ALWAYS.
Good luck and YOU can do this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): You have to leave him, he's destroying you and your son, he's been given plenty of chances to redeem himself and he hasn't, you're not responsible for anything he does even if he was to commit suicide, there is nothing you can do.
In fact leaving him is the only positive option left to you if you want to help him, maybe it will be the wake up call he needs, his previous attempts were an emotional last ditch ploy to keep you trapped in his cycle of self destruction.
He's already killing himself would you rather have to explain to your son why you stayed and raised him in this environment, where he had to firsthand see his father destroy everything? he won't feel worthless and unloved if he knows you did your best protect him, by leaving.
But forcing your son to suffer this life his father has created, is unforgivable no matter what your feelings for this man are, I know that might sound harsh, but I think you will agree that it is your son that stands to lose out the most in this situation and it's his future that is, in no doubt to anyone,the most important part of all this for you.
Again this is not your fault, he's an adult and as such is responsible for his own actions, you can no longer let him do this to you and your son.
I hope everything works out for you and that once you've left he wakes up and becomes the father he should be, but regardless of that you will give your son the best chance at having a long happy life.
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A
female
reader, steffy-boo x +, writes (13 February 2009):
 ok well this seriouse my dad it an alcholic he drinks way over the weekly limit in one daywhat my mum had done like your boyfriends husband so sorry dont mean to be rude i cant remember what it is my dad has tryed to commit suicideyou need to be strong thats the main thing you have to do u cant let it effect you he need you and your helpmaybe trying seek avice from your GP or you doctor or local hospital on your own and get more avice on this i mean yeayou need to be fermnot to muchbut enough to show you arent scaredhe is an alcholic this is an addiction and you and i know well the key to sorting this out is he has a alchol problem befor anything can be sorted maybe try and convince to go to a clinic that deal with these issue what they will do it lke councellig but toned downtheyysit and he will talk to them and or he/sheand they will help him relise everything from why he doesn what the eefect is how it effect ect ecti i deffently think you sholuld seek advice on suicied try to keep all medicines of your or family in a safe place where only you know or you can tell him if you wish and you will only asses theni so advice you go talk to some oneif anything did happen remeber it isnt your fault and your are not to blamei am sorry i can help no further i an i understand how hard and furstrated you must feelbe strong and keep focused talk to some oneif you have no one i i am more than happy to talk to you about this as a person who understands and aprriciaits how u must feel just email me or add to your friends i will keeep in contact if you would likeloves steffy x
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