A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner pays maintenance for 1 child + ex. He’s a salesman so income varies. I just had to lend him money to replace his stolen phone because he couldn’t afford to, and then he also needed extra money to tide him over until his commissions were paid at the end of the month. Today he has taken the day off to watch a sports game. I am going to work, which is high pressure and non stop – no sitting around drinking tea and chatting for us.He asked me to marry him, I have started saving towards our wedding, he doesn’t have money for a ring yet but says he’s working on it. I so want to tell him that sitting on his bum watching sports is not going to improve his earning power, but he’ll just say what he usually does – he didn’t have any appointments booked and can work from home sometimes.I’m so frustrated with the money situation and I get angry when I think of him not also working hard, but our jobs are different. Am I being unfair and probably just envious of his more flexible hours? Should he be seen to be putting in some extra time and effort too?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 September 2011):
 You shouldn't jump ahead of yourself when you see him take a day off. Sure, it is bothering you. But don't attack him for taking days off. Instead, go about it by saying you don't wont to lend out any money. Then when he needs something he will HAVE to earn his own cash. Right now you're enabling.. laziness. He owes you money, and maybe you should just ask for it back, tell him you feel uncomfortable having money mixed with the relationship, especially when things are financially difficult. You don't want money and relationship mixed. So ask for your money back, instead of asking why he takes a day off.
Let him take days off, if he can afford it. Sure. It's his business. But, don't lend out any more money. Actually, never lend out money unless he always pays you back right away and can be relied on financially. As it is, he doesn't sound like a man you want to rely on financially when he runs behind on bills etc. and can't budget.
Leave yours and his finances separate. That will solve the problem. Don't go at him for taking his breaks. If HE doesn't have the ambition or desire to work real hard, then let him be as he is. That's his choice. He's free to be lazy when he wants to. If you find that ability of his unbearable now then I highly recommend you do not get married. Because this ability of his, to take days off even when he's behind on cash, will surely annoy you even more once you and him get married.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 September 2011):
 It does sound like you are under a lot of pressure with your job and you are taking this stress out on him as well because he gets to have free time when he likes. However you have every right to feel the way you do when you need to give him money for things that he cannot afford. Sit down with him and come to some sort of agreement. You need to think things through really well because if you are feeling like this now how will you feel when you are married. You need to look in to the future and ask yourself will you be happy. This is your life and you need to take control of it.
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