A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:ive been with my boyfriend for two years and i love him so much but lately my mental health has been really shit and ive been feeling really low about myself. the other day while my boyfriend was in the shower his phone vibrated but nothing came up on the screen so i just opened it because i didnt know what it was and he had messaged a girl on snapchat replying to her story saying jheez and saying how good she looked. i dont know what to do i dont want to confront him about it because i feel like a psycho and hes gonna think i was going through his phone which ive never done because i never thought i had anything to worry about. i dont know if it was just that message like i dont think he wouod be cheating on my but i dont know its made me feel even more worse about myself because he doesnt even really compliment me anymore what do i do how to i ask him about it without sounding like i was going through his phone Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2020): there a saying sweetie that if you listen at closed doors, you never hear anything good about yourself. That can also apply when your looking at someone else phone - now there is no point in me giving you a lecture, you have paid the price by having a little snoop and discovering that your bf isn't all in with this relationship as you would like him to be - hes keeping you as an option while he fishes elsewhere...hmmm
No, you can do three things . 1.. would be confront him with this information - depending on the duration of the relationship, commits that you both share, I would say this is unwise - as he is just going to lie/fib and either you will half believe him and settle for it - but you mind will fester .
2. You ignore it totally and go on - but again how can you the horse has already bolted out the stable door .
3. You play him at his own game, you distance yourself, you get support for your mental wellbeing . You take pride in your appearance and give yourself a lil make over - new blush and lipstick has never harmed any female. You dress fine, you meet up with female friends without him - you start liking other guys posts, I mean your just being friendly too - you take this relationship with a pinch of salt - and you see him on your terms only - this will empower you to final at one stage to dump him loser a$$ as lets be serious - he isn't the guy for you and clinging to him will only make him continue do the avenue he is already on and if I were you - I would play him and get off at the next exit and kiss the ground that you discovered it now and not 10 years down the road.. wave him goodbye when you are ready .. but sweetie please do not invest your heart here any longer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2020): Well, you did go through his phone; and you know that you won't rest until you know what's really going on. Telling the truth seems to be one of the greatest issues in relationships these days. People are either hiding things from each-other, or lying to each-other. I guess things are pretty even, when you suspect your partner might be up-to mischief; while you're snooping about, and you happen to find something suspicious.
You don't have to approach him in confrontation-mode, spoiling for a row. You don't know the facts; so you can't make accusations, nor jump to any conclusions. If he has a girlfriend, why is he exchanging messages and complimenting some other girl? Why her, if he doesn't compliment you? That's what your post is all about. If you don't get answers from him, you are going to form them in your own mind!
Tell the truth. Explain that his phone vibrated when he was in the shower; and you couldn't resist the temptation to look and see who it was. Is that what happened? Yes! Now he will probably resent that you checked his phone without permission; but then how angry can he be when he's chit-chatting with another girl? What would be his reaction, if you were chatting another guy he doesn't know about?
At this present-time, trust has been compromised on either-side; therefore, a solution can only be reached when you both confess to each-other.
He has some explaining to do; because the other girl may not even know he has a girlfriend. If that is the case; then stopping at this point will avert and avoid something not-so innocent down the road. Plus, you may or may not be satisfied with the explanation you receive. That heavily depends on his past, and how consistently trustworthy he has been up to this point. If you suffer from anxiety-disorder, keeping this bottled-up is going to adversely affect your health and peace of mind. Especially, if you're presently dealing with some other difficult issues.
Get this out in the open while it is still fresh.
Young-love is sweet; but young-females in-love tend to go completely overboard with it. Guys are usually very immature and reckless in comparison. If your mental-health is fragile; then maybe you're not healthy enough to continue in this relationship. People have weaknesses, and they'll make serious mistakes. You have to hold-it together when you face problems in your relationship. Two-years is a long-time for someone in their teens to still be seeing the same person. It's very easy for one, or the other, to start wanting to date other people. You're not in a marriage. You're very young and inexperienced in dealing with serious relationship-problems.
Your mental-health challenges will always make guys afraid to breakup with you. To avoid some kind of dramatic emotional-meltdown; they might do things behind your back. Suspicion and insecurity will make you paranoid. Your mental-condition should not be used to manipulate people; or you will find they will never be honest with you. You should also be prepared to let-go of a guy; if you find that he is cheating on you. You will never trust him, you will become all the more anxious; and he will eventually tire of tiptoeing around your insecurities and anxiety-disorder. He's too young to deal with that.
If you are going be in relationships, you will have to learn how to deal with bad-news; and sometimes discovering things that will be very upsetting. You will have to learn how to calm and compose yourself.
Be honest, and tell him what happened. Be adult enough to listen to the truth...be it good-news, or bad! It is likely he will lie to you; because you've already spelled it out for us how you're having a rough-go at it these days. You are not in a state of mind that you will be able to just hold it inside, and remain healthy. It's best you talk to him about it; and you'll have to be grown-up in the way you handle it. Don't bother; if you're going to be in tears, upset, and emotionalizing the whole-time! That's begging him to lie to you, and you won't believe him anyway!
You've already yielded to the urge to check his phone; and it will now be harder to resist doing it again. Better to know what's happening; than to suspect and accuse him without the facts. Tell him what you did, and ask him what he is up-to with that young-lady? If you can't hold it together; it is best that you contact your therapist for an appointment. You've opened a can of worms; but it might be for the better, if he's sneaking behind your back.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (30 July 2020):
 I think if you confront him, yes your right he is going to think you went through his phone, that's because you did, and you did not like what you saw.
I also think if you confront him you could very well open a can of worms. He will not want to leave anything laying around and you will continue to suspect him further.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, once the trust barrier has been broken it very hard to come back from that.
This could all be completely innocent. I think there is a big disparity between the words you look good, to you are looking hot, or you are looking sexy. If you had stumbled on some raunchy illicit text then yes i would advise confronting him.
Have you noticed anything else that's changed about him lately?. out for prolonged periods of time?. become secretive and withdrawn?. making an extra special effort with his appearance?.
I also think he would have made more of an effort to hide his phone, or turn off vibrate at least if he was being unfaithful.
In the last part of your question how can you ask him without it sounding like you were going through his phone?. I was going to say just say to him your phone went off while you were in the shower, who was it?. Then i noticed in the beginning of your post you say this happened the other day. So on that basis i would not advise doing this. This is something you maybe should have done as soon as he got out of the shower. Bringing it up a couple of days later will just not be right.
I think maybe you need to do some more things to bring you into a better feeling place. If you find you are always making the effort, and he is doing nothing, and paying you no attention whatsoever, then you may have to consider if this relationship is really for you.
...............................
|
