A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I broke up in December and remained somewhat friends. We still hung out and did things together. We even kissed and held hands while we were out together. When I asked her what it is that we are doing or why is she leading me on she said that everything is the fine between us she just doesn't trust me and she needs time to get over the hurt that I caused her. She says she loves me with all her heart. I got drunk and cheated on her and I confessed all of this. Thats why we broke up. Anyway, how long should I wait to move on or start seeing someone else? We were together for 7 years and were happy. I screwed up and begged for forgiveness. She says she does but just doesn't trust me so should I wait and let this thing go on and if so how long do I wait? I know some of you will be harsh with me but please I have learned my lesson and I don't need to be ridiculed for my mistakes I just need advice on the current issues. Thank you.
View related questions:
broke up, drunk, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): Well...I have to say that why in the hell would you put yourself into a position where you would cheat?
You chose to do this mate.
If in fact you have had a change or heart and in fact have learned your lesson and you do love and want this Ex in you life...well what are you waiting for?
Both of you need to get into some counseling. It sounds like you both have issues that need sorting out.
Are you in that point in your life where you are ready to commit? Is she?
Get some couple's counseling. This way all isuses can be addressed and you will both discover one another and may want to be with one another-take the risk.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (17 August 2006):
 "I really think she is just keeping me on the back burner until she finds someone she really likes..."
That is your inner voice talking. It is correct, and despite other things trying to shout it down (i.e. guilt and rationalizations of hope) it still is coming through loud and clear. You are only hurting yourself more by ignoring it.
Now act on your inner voice so that you and your soon-to-be ex can start healing.
Good luck and take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell Malyce, she says she hasn't been dating anyone. We don't live together. She says that we can date if "we" want to but I don't. She says she isn't dating but at one time she would always leave her phone on silent or text someone while she was with me but has since stopped. The biggest thing, she says that I put the other woman in an apartment and I spent time with her daughter. This is something she got from the other woman, because the other woman called her and told her these lies. The other woman was a friend of mine and I helped her get a place of her own and I picked up her daughter from school twice but I never ever treated her like nothing but a friend. Yes, we had sex after a drunken night but thats what it was nothing more or less.
I have proven and I continue effortlessly to prove I am trustworthy. I don't date and I don't see other people. I am always available for her and her mother whenever they call me at home or work. I think she is very confused. I really think she is just keeping me on the back burner until she finds someone she really likes but I could be wrong as obviously I don't understand whats going on but thank you for your insight.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Seven years all undone in one night...Ow.
Have you learned your lesson?
I don't know if you have giving enough information for me to say...move on and what not.
Has the girlfriend been dating? Has the girlfriend been
"Henpecking" you over this? Was this the first and only time where you have gone out drinking without girlfriend?
I think if you want to get back together; some ground rules need to be made.
No more drinking without girlfriend.
Get couples' counseling.
Start dating again; take it slow.
Learn how to communicate effectively.
So are you broken up? Not living together? Are you both able to date other people (which isn't good and in no way shows you can be trusted-sounds like a trap)?
I think that if you haven't gone out drinking at bars without the Ex and if you haven't dated and if the Ex isn't giving you the time to prove to her you are trustworthy...it is time to tell her that you waited for long enough (if that is how you feel).
Tell her that although you love her, you know why she feels she can not trust you but that you don't believe she is being fair to you now.
Ask her if she would like to go to couples' counseling for 8 sessions so that you can both work on overcoming this trust issue.
Give her a week to think it over.
After that if she hasn't come to a decision.
Hug her and say that it was fun to be able to be friends and keep it light; but you are looking for more.
Wish her the best.
Move on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Dear, you can wait a lifetime if you want, if she's worth it. There is no timeframe! But look what waiting is doing to you. She has you in limbo and you are tolerating it out of guilt. I just hate to see you pine away for someone only to have you dumped when she moves on to someone else and it could very well happen because she doesn't trust you. You don't have a strong base in this relationship because she's not permitting it. I think it's time for you both to sit down, talk and come to a decison about whether a relationship will even fly here or not. If she can't decide, then move on. Face the loss, grieve, heal and recover and make a fresh start with someone else who'll give you a 'chance'and learn from this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ask her these things and she says that it takes time. I don't know how much time I'm supposed to give. I was told a year after the break-up is when you should throw in the towel for a reconciliation. I speak with her daily and she tells me she misses me all the time and texts me goodmorning every morning. Anyway, any suggestions on how long I should wait.
...............................
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (17 August 2006):
Guilt may be your undoing in this relationship.
To paraphrase Irish49, healthy relationships are built on trust and honesty. In a way your gal is still in denial about the trust issues your cheating has caused within her mind. But this is her issue to resolve and for you to support... to a point.
Relationships are also supposed to grow. Have you seen signs of progress in resolving the trust issue, or is she just in a holding pattern and perpetuating the guilt trip? If it is the latter then you need to take a break from each other so that the both of you can heal.
This relationship is stuck until you both can get past the past. Good luck and take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): I won't judge you on being a cheat because you truely sound like you have some remorse over what you did. So it's been almost 8 months and you two are still dancing around each other, both not being able to move forward into committed relationship. She's struggling to trust you again so really, dear--there is no point, no depth, no value, no reality in what you both are doing. She's in 'self-protection' mode and that is a very lonely place for both of you. She's chosen safety over risking it all with you but without risk their is no chance at rebuilding the love and committment you once had. I would talk to her, and tell her you want to start over, anew. Either she regains her trust and re-commits to you in a viable, good, healthy relationship or you will have to sadly, let her go. Because this is wearing you down and causing you despair. Give yourself permission to do this..to let her know exactly how you feel or you may be waiting on her to decide for another 7 years! Be prepared to hear something you don't want to hear..but make a decision to move in one direction or another. This has become an either/or situation. I wish you good luck, dear.
...............................
|
